It's always interesting to see what people think the worst ever movies are. The trouble is movies are very subjective things. One man's stain on the cinematic landscape is another man's cult classic.
We're always shown polls of the greatest movies in countless magazines, from official sources (such as the American Film Institute), and those ubiquitious Top 100... television marathons on Channel 4, but very rarely does the worst get a look in.
I was recently drawn to the Internet Movie Database's Bottom 100 page, where their lowest-rated films are gathered to commiserate together. It's an interesting read, but flawed. For example, most people tend to only rate new movies, so the Chart is taken up with movies from the past 5-10 years. Also, in reality, the worst movies ever made are so terrible they're not in the public consciousness, and sometimes the "worse" movies are only in that list because they've only been on general release for a few weeks. For example, And and Dec's Alien Autopsy makes the list, but it's hardly deserving of such a dishonour. Is it?
Still, while the Bottom 100 is fundamentally flawed, it still gives a fun insight into what the world currently sees as the lowest-of-the-low. I have selected my own Bottom 10 from IMDB's list, below:
10. Battlefield Earth (2001) IMBD: 35John Travolta's biggest box-office bomb (and the man starred in Look Who's Talking Now). This is a hideous mess of a movie, with Travolta and Forrest Whittaker strutting around in dreadlocks and bad make-up. Battlefield Earth is an adaptation of a crap book by sci-fi author L. Ron Hubbard (the founder of Scientology, of which Travolta's a member).
But what makes the movie even more disastrous is the pre-publicity (where Travolta claimed it would eclipse Star Wars) and some truly awful lapses in logic, including the classic moment when humans with cavemen-level intelligence somehow learn how to fly fighter jets!
9. Teen Wolf Too (1987) IMDB: 50I want to admit something here: when I was younger I loved the first Teen Wolf movie with Michael J. Fox. Like many children of the 80's, Michael J. Fox was the cool American teen we all wanted to grow up and become. He got to time-travel in a cool DeLorean and turn into a basketballing werewolf, for crying out loud!
So you can imagine my crushing disappointment when Teen Wolf Too came out. It was Fox-less (it would take 10 years for me to understand that Teen Wolf was considered a low-point of Fox's career...) But, even worse, the sequel committs the cardinal sin of follow-ups: it is essentially the exact same movie, but with just one difference... the werewolf is a great boxer instead of a basketball player. See what they did there? But that's it. It's has the same plot, just with new actors and sport. Ridiculous.
8. Jaws: The Revenge (1987) IMDB: 45Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water... again. Spielberg's original is a classic monster movie, and the first ever summer blockbuster. Jaws 2 is actually a decent sequel, with a few sequence so good many people think they're from Spielberg's movie. Jaws 3 is... pretty bad. But Jaws 4 is just supremely stupid, for one basic reason -- the Great White shark kills a young boy and then "stalks" that boy's mother back to the Carribean!
Michael Caine stars in the sequel nobody wanted, but he's good-natured about its awfulness, saying: "I have never seen [Jaws 4], but by all accounts it is terrible. However, I have seen the house that it built, and it is terrific." Nice one, Sir Michael...
7. Spiceworld: The Movie (1997) IMDB: 72Back in the days when Girl Power ruled the world, the Spice Girls were the biggest girl group of their era. The lifespan of groups is finite (anything over 5 years and, well, you must actually have talent), so the Spice Girls capitalized on their global domination with this toe-curlingly awful movie...
Spiceworld is surprisingly watchable for its sheer silliness. None of the girls can act, there is no real plot, just a shambolic excuse for the fivesome to screech and for dozens of Z-list British celebrities to cameo. Meat Loaf drives their bloody Spice Bus! Nooooooo!
6. Street Fighter (1994) IMDB: 96One of the first video-games brought to life in a crushingly disappoint movie. Jean Claude Van Damme sleepwalks through a boring movie that doesn't have the brainpower or budget to do the classic fighting game justice.
Kylie Minogue embarasses herself, the legions of fans wonder why the hell Dhalsim doesn't stretch, and the late Raul Julia's career is forever footnoted by this abomination!
5. Son Of The Mask (2005) IMDB: 14The Mask was a great effects-fuelled vehicle for Jim Carrey back in 1994. So why did it take 11 years to get a sequel? Then why did somebody even consider filming a sequel without Jim Carrey reprising his role? And why did they cast the terrible Jamie Kennedy, then make the movie with a CGI baby?
This is a great example of a bad sequel. Everything that made the first film a hit is missing: Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, decent visual-effects, funny jokes, the wish-fulfilment angle. Everything is just abandoned in favour of a garish cartoon mish-mash of styles and the emphasis on a CGI baby and CGI dog doing a bad Tom & Jerry routine. Bob Hoskins and Alan Cumming are then dropped into the insanity. Awful.
4. The Neverending Story III (1994) IMDB: 43One thing guaranteed to get yourself on any Bottom 100 list is when you predecessors were actually quite good (see Jaws 4, above). Yes, the first Neverending Story is a great piece of children's fantasy. Who didn't cry when that kid's horse drowned in the quicksand? But by the time Part III rolled into town... people were just concerned the makers were taking the "neverending" title a little too seriously...
3. Mac & Me (1988) IMDB: 71Shudder. A lowly E.T-wannabe about an alien called Mac who's befriended by a boy in a wheelchair. This is insulting and laughable stuff with a frankly creepy and unbelievable naff-looking alien creature at its centre.
There is nothing uplifting or humorous about this movie. It fails on just about every level and... oh, just look at that DVD cover on the left! Never watch this movie.
2. Police Academy: Mission To Moscow (1994) IMDB: 40The Police Academy movies get a bad rep. The first movie is actually a great piece of entertainment with a few classic scenes (who can forget the blowjob podium?) The rest of them get progressively worse, but when I was younger I could watch movies 1-5 and enjoy them on a basic level. But even I hated part 6, City Under Siege, and that laugh-free zone should have killed off the franchise for good.
So why did they think people wanted a seventh movie, arriving 5 long years after City Under Siege limped off to die somewhere? Who in their right mind, tell me! The tagline sums up the hilarity to be found: "Kicking buttski. Making you laughski. The Academy is backski!"
Oh dear-ski.
1. The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987) IMDB: 38Do you remember those stickers with the freaky kids on them? The ones that were basically a quite anarchy spoof of the Cabbage Patch Dolls? Well, did you know they actually made a movie based on them? You didn't? Well, thank your lucky stars you never saw it.
Any movie about a gang of delinquint kids that are born from a trash can is just asking for trouble. What's particularly bad is that there isn't anything here to recommend on even a "so bad it's good" level. The only memorable moment is when Windy Winston farts to a crowd of people. That about sums up the entire movie. Terrible.
So there you go. My Top 10 worst movies based on IMDB's Top 100. I'm sure it's just as debatable as ever other listing in the world. But it's a good indication of movies to avoid, or perhaps seeks out if you're in a particularly suicidal mood!
