ITV spent £1 million on X FACTOR trailer, but only uploaded it in 480P

Things are about to get loud.

THE X FACTOR is returning on 30 August, with Simon Cowell back as head judge, joined by returning pop star Cheryl Cole Fernandez Versini, new judge Mel B, and old hand Louis Walsh. ITV spent £1 million on this Game of Thrones-inspired trailer for the new series (where each judge is the general of their own bellicose army, unleashing hell), but for some reason they only uploaded it to YouTube as a 480P stream. What a bum note.

Question: what are you really excited about on television, airing now or soon?

If you're reading this, you probably get excited by television—either in general as a medium, in terms of its technology, or with certain shows you're watching. So I thought I'd take the temperature of reader excitement for whatever televisual entertainment's happening now or very soon.

Are you excited X Factor returned last weekend, or that Strictly Come Dancing will shimmy onto our screens tomorrow? Does your stomach tingle just thinking about more Game of Thrones next year? Are the imminent series finales of Breaking Bad and Dexter circled on your calendar? Maybe you're stoked about original content on the likes of Netflix, or can't wait to get your hands on a Ultra HD 4K television? Is there a new TV series starting this year that you can't help getting sweaty with anticipation for?

What's exciting me is Breaking Bad, which is providing weekly jaw-droppers and will have me glued to my television when I sit down to watch the big finale. A close second is the 50th Anniversary special of Doctor Who, where Matt Smith and David Tennant will be united on-screen as The Doctor. The BBC's hype-machine has barely even started with that November special, either... and, whatever issues you may have with the show, that promises to be a very special TV moment. The descriptions of the trailers shown at San Diego Comic-Con and the Edinburgh TV Festival alone were enough to get me salivating.

So, come on: what's exciting you about current TV?

X FACTOR'd

It's been a torturous year for fans of X Factor, despite the fact not a single episode of the show's aired since Christmas 2010. The speculation over the US version's judges dominated the showbiz headlines since New Year, and then Cheryl Cole was ignominiously given the boot after two-weeks in the prized job. Was it because of her Geordie accent? Or her lack of chemistry with the other judges? Maybe it was her downbeat attitude? It depends which news story you're reading, really. We'll probably never know for sure, because the matter's almost certainly going to be "spun" to ensure Cole doesn't look like a total fool, and Cowell and Fox likewise for taking a risk on someone who fell at the first hurdle.

With all eyes on the US version, the UK original has been in mounting crisis--faced with replacing its two most popular judges. There was the sudden possibility of Cole returning to the British show now she's been axed from the US remake, but she's allegedly been ignoring phone calls to that end. And, to be frank, it's hard to see how Cole could return to X Factor without it looking like she's run back home with her tail between her legs.

Regardless, ITV have now confirmed the judging line-up for this year's X Factor, which starts auditions on Wednesday. They are: Take That's singer-songwriter Gary Barlow, ex-Destiny's Child singer Kelly Rowland, N Dubz's lead singer Tulisa Contostavlos, and returning judge Louis Walsh. Dermot O'Leary will be back as host, having failed to secure the US X Factor gig (beaten by fellow Brit Steve Jones), while Caroline Flack and X Factor runner-up Olly Murs are replacing Konnie Huq on The Xtra Factor show.

So how secure do the X Factor's now appear? The US version has possibly been damaged by a public perception that it's an uncertain creative mess, but I'm pretty sure the "Cheryl Cole incident" will be a minor blip on the radar for Americans--as 97% of them have no clue who she was. The key thing is that the remake has its creator Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul (reuniting after American Idol) and L.A Reid, who may not be a household name, but his credentials in the music biz that put Cowell's to shame.

Cole's role has also been taken by ex-Pussycat Doll singer Nicole Scherzinger, who proved her worth when she guest-judged on the UK X Factor last year, but who was initially hired to co-host the show. Welsh presenter Steve Jones, a total newcomer to Americans, will now have to face presenting this gigantic show by himself. I'm guessing he's handsome and intelligible enough to get the job done, but I still think he's a strange choice. Maybe he'll rise to the occasion, who knows. American presenters are painfully vapid, so Jones could pull "a Cat Deeley" and endear himself by virtue of exhibiting a real personality.

One thing that's come to my attention is how the US X Factor judging panel is incredibly ethnic: with Cowell the only white person. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but it is an unusual quirk of losing Cole.

What about UK X Factor? Gary Barlow's a great signing, but he's so much of a nice-guy that I can't see him taking Cowell's role in spirit. Kelly Rowland's career isn't big enough to get you excited about her inclusion (did she have any other plans this year?), but she's still a global name and I can see her working nicely as an opinionated judge. Tulisa Contostavlos faces the biggest struggle for acceptance, perhaps, as she's seen as the direct replacement for Cole... but most people over-30 don't know who she is! N Dubz are no Girls Aloud, let's face it. However, having seen her in interviews and on a BBC3 documentary once, she could actually be a surprisingly effective judge. She's definitely more "street" than Cole ever was and, in my opinion, more intelligent, too. As for Louis Walsh--well, you just can't get rid of him, can you? Expect more "you remind me of a young..."-style appraisals.

I have a feeling the UK version will miss having a clear replacement for Cowell, however--in the same way American Idol's new panel (Jennifer Lopez, Steven Tyler, Randy Jackson) have failed to do much beyond offer misplaced praise and support... when a verbal kick in the teeth would sometimes be the kinder thing.

But what do YOU think? Are these trans-Atlantic X Factor changes going to work for their respective countries? Will the US version soar to success simply because of Cowell/Abdul? Will the UK version find a new lease of life with its three new judges, or will it to hit the same snag Britain's Got Talent has been caught on this year without Cowell: audiences WILL tune in because they love the brand, but everyone can see the new judges aren't as good and the show's worse for it.

We won't really know how successful all these changes will be until both X Factor's start airing episodes in a few months time, but what's your gut feeling about all this?

Here are a few words from the UK X Factor talent:

ITV's Director of Television, Peter Fincham:

"The X Factor is more than just a television show: it's by far the nation's biggest platform for emerging talent and I'm delighted to be confirming a line up of judges who have experience right across the music business to pick the stars of the future. As multi-million selling artists, songwriters and pop masterminds, Gary, Tulisa, Kelly and Louis have huge breadth of appeal with our audience and the ability to engage both the UK's next generation of music talent as well as ITV's viewers."

Simon Cowell:

"These four are totally up for it, each of them bring a different attitude. They have had a ton of hits between them and they are all committed to finding a star. I have a feeling Louis and Tulisa will have slightly different points of view as to what the next star should look and sound like!"

Director of Entertainment, talkbackThames, Richard Holloway:

"Each year we aim to grow and evolve the show. This year will be no different. All I can say is expect the unexpected!"

Gary Barlow:

"I'm extremely excited about working on The X Factor. I've always been a fan of the show and always enjoyed performing on it too. My one goal is to find a global super star. If I don't find one I won't have done my job."

Tulisa Contostavlos:

"I'm so excited to be the joining The X Factor and want to bring something fresh and new to the panel. I'm not going to be afraid to speak my mind and mix things up a little. I am hoping to find some hot new talent and mentor a winning category. It is also going to be great to get to know and work alongside the other Judges. Let the fireworks begin!"

Kelly Rowland:

"I am so excited to join The X Factor UK and be able to spend time in one of my favourite places in the world. The music coming out of the UK right now is incredible with artists like Adele, Jessie J and James Blake, so I'm confident this season of The X Factor will give me opportunity to hear a few diamonds in the rough. Being a judge is never easy, but I promise to be as sternly honest as I can and also encourage everyone who crosses the stage. I can't wait to meet the world's next superstar!"

Louis Walsh:

"I'm delighted to back for my eighth series of The X Factor, it's my favourite job in the world and I'm really excited this year to work with Gary Barlow and the rest of the new panel. I'm the last original judge standing and I'm determined to find an act that can win this year and show the others how it's done!"

X Factor 2009: Live Final

A few brief thoughts on the weekend's X Factor Final. I ignored the show entirely through the auditions and boot camp phases, which is easy to do. I no longer find it funny listening to bad, deluded singers, and I've always zoned-out during the boot camp phase in previous years. I then ignored the live shows because they're so crammed with contestants to begin with, and none of it feels very compelling. It's just karaoke for a month or so. Then, Jedward hit...

Yes, Irish twins John and Edward (with their Everest-high quiffs and grins) were this year's most talked about X Factor contestants, by virtue of being absolutely appalling. They broke through to me on a pop-culture level with their Britney Spears cover "Oops! I Did It Again" (where they even spoke the incidental Titanic-referencing dialogue halfway through.) Funnily enough, when I actually tuned in to watch them live, the fun was lost on me. I saw them sing "Ghostbusters", which was later talked about as a highlight of the Jedward phenomenon, but I just thought it was terrible and embarrassing.

I rarely watched X Factor from then on, but a few of the names stuck in my head, so I knew who was involved. You can't really escape that stuff if you listen to Radio 1 and some tabloids in the week. I guess I watched more of X Factor once Strictly Come Dancing started boring me, too, but I'd still only dip in to see the celebrity performances; from smug Robbie Williams struggling through a door and mistaking his performance as a meet-and-greet, to aloof Whitney Houston and her dress malfunction.

Anyway, the finalists were Olly, Stacey and Joe. A fairly unremarkable bunch, but a part of me would have liked Stacey to win... if only to see the unintentional hilarity of her being interviewed in her breathless Dagenham accent for months to come. There's such a thing as that indefinable "star power" (the reason the show's called "X Factor") and Stacey didn't really have it. I know it sounds elitist, but I'm struggling to think of any well-known female vocalists who speak like an ineloquent Catherine Tate character. 12 million viewers saw Stacey voted off, with many people incorrectly blaming the fact she duetted with Michael Buble (not Madonna, as expected.)

To Sunday, then. Olly versus Joe. Bland and blander. I really didn't care. I suspected Joe would win because he has a better voice and Simon Cowell apparently chose the winner's song (Miley Cyrus' "The Climb") once he got wind of who was likely to win. See, Cowell gets told details of every week's phone vote results, so he knew Joe had been winning the public vote every week for the past month or so. Yes, the show was pretty much in the bag for Joe since mid-November, so all Cowell had to do was cleverly engineer the show to give Joe that final push. It's a sly game of viewer manipulation, this show. That's why Cowell saved Jedward from the chop one week -- so that everyone voting for them to stay just to "annoy Simon" wouldn't have a reason to anymore, because he "gets" them now. And that worked a treat, too.

And you knew Joe would win when he was asked to sing "The Climb" after Olly performed it. The producers always let the expected winner sing second, because it feels like a big, fitting encore when they have to sing it again after being told they've won. So, 19 million viewers saw Joe crowned X Factor winner for 2009. Congratulations. There are already rumours that Cowell is going to try and turn him into the "new Zac Efron", having already picked a Disney-affiliated song as the winning tune, which will also work nicely as a calling card for Hollywood film execs he has some sway with. I guess it might be interesting if Joe goes down the Disney musical movie route, but can he act? Does it matter?

Talking Point: do Simon Cowell's American fans watch X Factor?

I've always wondered about this. Simon Cowell's acerbic putdowns are arguably the reason a lot of people watch American Idol, but while his British fans can catch-up with Idol a few days after its US broadcast on ITV2, do his American fans likewise keep tabs on the UK's X Factor -- and Britain's Got Talent, for that matter? Or is Cowell essentially off the US radar for six-months of the year? Unless Scottish virgins become superstars, obviously...

Are there any American fans of Cowell out there who could enlighten me? I know X Factor isn't broadcast in the US, but do some of you download episodes via torrent? Or do you watch YouTube for a fix of Cowell? Or maybe you just have no interest in Simon Cowell unless he's passing judgement on American singers? You xenophobes, you.

And to any cosmopolitan Americans who watch Idol and X Factor, which do you prefer? X Factor has more judges and different singing categories, whereas Idol is essentially stuck with the UK's original Pop Idol format of the early-'00s. Is Idol's format somehow purer while X Factor just feels needlessly convoluted, though? Or is X Factor actually more complex and Idol just bland and shopworn nowadays? Maybe it's just natural that your native show feels better, because culturally everyone you know is aware of it, and discussing it the next day? But try and think in an unbiased way. Louis Walsh vs. Randy Jackson? Ryan Seacrest vs. Dermot O'Leary? Discuss.

Personally, I've always had the impression Cowell prefers doing X Factor. From what I've seen, his fellow judges are more engaging and he's not the sole voice of reason. He just can't dominate the show quite as much. It's also telling that he's been slowly trying to make Idol resemble X Factor as much as he can, without altering the format for legal reasons -- mainly by axing Paula Abdul for a sexier replacement (a la dumping Sharon Osbourne for Cheryl Cole) But, it does seem that the American contestants are more gifted entertainers, by and large. The standard's generally higher. That said, two of the world's biggest talent show success stories have come from the UK: Leona Lewis and Susan Boyle. The closest the US has come to that level of success is Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson. Okay, Boyle's something of a viral gimmick for the Twitter-age, but I'm betting Leona's career will last longer and be twice as interesting than Kelly's.

TV Ratings: Peep Show, Merlin, Strictly Come Dancing & X Factor

There was great news for Channel 4's Peep Show last Friday; traditionally a low-rated series that justifies its existence through DVD sales and industry kudos. The sixth series debuted with 1.81m (plus 208,000 via the time-shift channel), making it Peep Show's most watched episode ever! Either word has finally started to spread about the series following its high-profile BAFTA wins, or there were a lot of hypnotized Derren Brown viewers stuck to their armchairs and unable to reach their remotes!

On Saturday, BBC1's Merlin conjured itself 5.08m viewers for its series 2 premiere; its second worst performance ever, but actually not that far behind series 1's average of 5.74m. As consolation, it beat a particularly gripping edition of ITV1's gameshow The Cube.

The big weekend clash was between BBC1's Strictly Come Dancing and ITV1's X Factor, a scheduling conflict for Saturday primetime that caused great anger amongst fans -- despite the fact both shows regularly stepped on each other's toes last year, and nobody cared. Anyway, Strictly was the loser in this TV battle, managing 7.72m to X Factor's 9.27m. It was X Factor's lowest number this year because of Strictly's arrival as competition, but still enough to defeat its BBC rival. The BBC apparently have no plans to avoid further clashes, either...

Box-Eyed: Shooting Stars & The X Factor

After a short summer break, my Box-Eyed column is back over at Newslite.tv. This week, there are capsule reviews for the return of comedy quiz Shooting Stars and talent show The X Factor.

"Time hasn't been kind. There's something a little tragic about Reeves and Mortimer peddling their brand of surreal comedy now they're both 50. It's difficult to keep a youthful, anarchic streak alive when you're middle-aged (ask Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson), so watching two crinkled men beckoning down "The Dove From Above" or singing in a "club style" wasn't funny, or even pleasantly nostalgic, it just felt tired and stale." Continue reading...

X Factor: "Hallelujah"; Strictly: No Dance-Off

Hey. Do you remember when everyone was tipping Alexandra to win this year's X Factor, after it became obvious a few weeks into the live shows that she was, y'know, the best singer? Well, gosh darn it, Alexandra has only gone and won X Factor. Whoda thunk?

Yes, despite attempts by Simon Cowell to make us think Eoghan was anything other than a pie-faced Irish nob, and Diana was a good singer who didn't just yelp every word, the Great British public voted Alexandra as the best. JLS made a valiant effort to finish second, but nobody really wanted another clean-cut boy-band releasing covers, did they? Evidently not, as Alexandra won by a million votes.

Don't you feel a fool for spending months watching the inevitable pan out? It was more like an endurance test than entertainment at times! In terms of business, it makes sense to drag X Factor out for months and grow fiscally fat on the phone profit, but it's frustrating that a nationwide vote around Week 4 could have crowned Alexandra early. Then ITV could sink the remaining X Factor budget on... oh, I don't know, drama? Or a light entertainment show that doesn't involve singing and an extortionate voting element?

While the outcome of these reality shows can't always be predicted, it's true that peoples' gut instincts tend to be right most of the time. I remember the year Leona Lewis won, and my feelings then were much the same as this year: people know who the best singer is after about six weeks to account for nerves, vote for the person they could most imagine buying an album of, and rarely change their mind -- so the only uncertainty over the end-game comes from a concern that other voters aren't as discerning as you.

So, you help your favourite act in the only way that you can: by voting. Or, like me, you don't bother – because it ultimately doesn't matter. Music was doing perfectly well decades before artists had to be discovered on television talent shows, thank you. There's a reason the winners tend to take a full year off before releasing an album, too: we're actually all a bit sick of the sight and sound of them by Christmas.

But, well done, Alexandra: hopefully you'll be the up-tempo, sexier version of Leona you were groomed to be in performances like this. Commiserations, JLS: a rushed consolation album for Mother's Day awaits. Sorry, Eoghan: it turned out the majority of voters weren't tweenage girls who have High School Musical on repeat-play in their bedrooms.

Over on BBC1, it was the semi-final of Strictly Come Dancing – which, unlike X Factor, gave us an unexpected result. After the three dances had been performed by Rachel/Vincent, Tom/Camilla and Lisa/Brendan, the judges scores put Lisa and Rachel as joint first on the leaderboard with 75 points. Tom was just behind them on 67. When the lines were opened, it became obvious that nothing could prevent Tom being in the dance-off – so, when the show returned for the results later in the evening, Tess Daly told viewers to stop voting as the lines had been frozen. The results segment was shortened by ten minutes, as viewers were told that all three celebs will be back for the final next week. Which was a fair decision. All votes for this week will count towards next week's final.

The BBC released a statement, saying: "Due to the unprecedented outcome of the judges' vote, the audience vote could not have saved one of our couples from the dance-off. We took the decision that all the votes cast tonight should stand and be carried through to next week's final. So the audience has had the usual chance to vote on the performances of all our semi-finalists. All the votes cast tonight will be rolled over. Tonight's vote has been independently verified."

The X Factor was the big ratings winner of the night, too, peaking at 14.6 million viewers (the highest rating in its five-year history), while Strictly attracted 9.9 million.


X Factor – ITV1, 7.10pm & 9.40pm
Strictly Come Dancing – BBC1, 6.10pm & 8.55pm

Britney Spears: "Womanizer" (X Factor Live)

I thought I'd belatedly weigh in with a few thoughts on Britney Spears' performance on The X Factor last Saturday, miming to her latest single "Womanizer".

Now, it's certainly a mixed message for The X Factor to insist its contestants sing live, when their idols like Britney don't bother. But, miming is nothing new: it was de rigeur on Top Of The Pops and you can't really perform energetic dances and sing well at the same time. Even on many "live" tours, weak or exhausted singing is disguised by a cleverly overlaid recording. Do you really want people wheezing and puffing into their mic as they gyrate on-stage? You try doing karaoke while following an aerobics video!

So, while I agree it was a shame, "Womanizer" being mimed wasn't an unforgivable crime. But, yes, they should have treated it like an arena performance and insisted Britney have a live mic to sing-along whenever the dancing hit calmer moments. Or something.

Oh yes, the "dancing". No, you can't excuse that listless jiggling about. It was nowhere near as heinous as Britney's VMA performance last year (where she resembled an uncoordinated baby hippo on valium), but it was still lazy and boring. She spent 90% of the time stomping around the stage, and the other 10% doing a few choreographed moves standing still. Considering the amount of money she was being paid, and all the headaches behind the scenes trying to please her, she had an obligation to perform to the best of her abilities for a few minutes. Well, maybe she did?

For me, the worst moment was the interview with Dermot O'Leary afterwards (where she had to speak into his mic, highlighting the fact her own was switched off.) Here, it was painfully obvious she hadn't been watching X Factor that night. Okay, so maybe she has more important things on her mind. I can understand that. I have more important things to do than watch Eoghan sing, too. But, how hard is it to watch a TV in your luxury dressing room, so you have a vague idea what's been going on?

Not "tutoring" the contestants, or taking an interest in them was quite rude, too. I'd have been more impressed by Britney if she'd mixed with people backstage, and possibly been more forgiving of her weak performance as a result. Even the mighty Simon Cowell only managed to grab a photo with Britney by squashing up in a corridor with his fellow judges.

Admittedly, Britters did look better than she has in months (hair and a toned stomach will do that), but she's clearly still in a world of her own. This "comeback" (did she ever really go away?) isn't the return to form it's being marketed as. I'm not sure Britney Spears will ever get back to where she was before her meltdown. She's no longer the virginal girl-next-door that gay men adore and straight men lust after. She's a damaged, twice-divorced, "bad mother" who speaks in PR-sanctioned sound-bites and is trapped in her own showbiz prison. Oh, baby, baby...

Leona Lewis: "Run" (X Factor Live)

God, that girl can sing! Former X Factor winner Leona Lewis, back on the show after 2 years as a triumphant best-selling artist, to perform Snow Patrol's "Run". Funny, I remember her covering that track on Radio 1's Live Lounge and now it's an official single! Fantastic voice, great song, excellent perfomance. Goosebumps.

AHEAD: X FACTOR 5!

Is there really any point in compiling a case for the prosecution? Exhibit X fails to disappear from our screens, particularly now a lifeline was thrown by the phenomenal worldwide success of 2006's winner, Leona Lewis. To be fair, the viewing public and wannabes know the score: global success (Leona), one-hit wonder (Shayne Ward) or eventual obscurity (Steve Brookstein, likely Leon) awaits...

The fun-factor comes from watching Britain's tone deaf delinquents embarrass themselves on national TV, with the vague hope the glorified karaoke session in the later stages will unearth a genuine star. By now, the production is slicker than oil. It's still a barrage of noise and hyperactive editing, but The X Factor's a roaring Ferrari of light-entertainment manipulation, burning up the screen and delivering exactly what the masses want: spectacle, sob stories, silliness, star potential and Simon Cowell.

Yes, those egotistical judges are back, first seen flying across the English countryside in jet-black helicopters (Cowell's chopper, aptly registered "G-PIMP"), before landing and getting into jet-black chauffeured cars. The aforementioned Mr. Cowell is inevitably back for more ear-bashing (head still ringing from American Idol), together with impish Irishman Louis Walsh, low-rent Aussie pop-star Dannii Minogue and (replacing the axed Sharon Osbourne) Cheryl Cole from Girls Aloud.

The latter is the big surprise and possibly this year's secret weapon. Is Cheryl the best choice to judge a singing competition ever? Possibly. After all, Girls Aloud were themselves birthed on X Factor precursor Popstars: The Rivals, so Cheryl has first-hand experience of auditioning (in front of Louis, actually). Therefore, she will bring genuine empathy, reality show nouse, musical experience, and earn immediate respect from X Factor's fan-base. More so than Dannii ever has, anyway. I mean, taking criticism from a woman who's only really famous for being Kylie's sister was always going to be difficult. Can anyone name a Dannii Minogue single, off the top of their head yet? Come on, it's been a year since I last asked this! Anyone?

It's still true that the auditions phase is the most entertaining part of the show, but even they can grow tiresome by week 3. While preferable to the winter months of karaoke and the judge's self-promotion (Cheryl has agreed to perform with Girls Aloud, I wouldn't bet against another Kylie appearance for her sister, and Louis will likely trot out Westlife), I'm personally ambivalent towards X Factor. Yes, it can discover someone as fantastic as Leona, and you'll still find a few people defending Shayne Ward (a huge star in Asia, apparently), but I still can't find anyone who voted for Leon last year. It seems that Scotland voted for "their boy" en masse to steal a win based on nationality instead of talent -- which makes The X Factor resemble a smaller-scale Eurovision.

And in the age of the internet, why not just wait till Sunday and hit YouTube for all the best bits without Dermot O'Leary and the adverts? Boy band JLS. The wailing horror of Dreamtime. "Ant & Deaf". 26-year-old mum Rachel Hylton. Security agent Les. Cute Welsh girl Alexandra Davies.


16 August 2008
ITV1, 7.30 pm

THE X FACTOR 4: Live Final

I've never been a big X Factor fan, although I did get caught up in last year's show – but only because Leona Lewis was, frankly, the best singer these talent contests have ever discovered. I'm glad to see her album/single doing phenomenally well, and wish her luck with the "difficult second album".

But onto X Factor series 4, which I reviewed for awhile (during the early auditions weeks), before ultimately becoming irritated by its repetitive nature, and my unwillingness to dedicate every week to the long, drawn-out live shows...

That said, I did catch some of the Live Final last night. Now, I was aware of who the finalists were, but my opinions on them are based purely on tabloid news, overheard gossip, and yesterday's performances…

Rhydian (think Gordon Ramsey-meets-Max Headroom) was there, along with brother/sister duo Same Difference and Scottish crooner Leon. It was at least an interesting mix…


Same Difference are cheesy-pop personified. A sickly brother/sister combo forced to sing love songs with each other (which was just wrong), in the shape of Sean and Sarah Smith. I don't think I'm alone in thinking the Smiths were fans of Steps, have S Club 7's television show on DVD, know every word of Aqua's "Barbie Girl", and have memorized the choreography of "The Fast Food Song". Of the three, they were definitely the most shamelessly desperate to win (how many times did Sarah mime for viewers to call?)

Rhydian is the oddball novelty act. He had the best voice of the finalists, but is distracting weird. That said, he would have made a nice contrast with the straight-laced previous winners Leona Lewis, Shane Ward and Steve Brookstein. I'm all for something a bit unusual, and I can imagine Rhydian having a cult following if people buy into him...


Leon was the underdog, as I'm not even aware of him after reading the newspapers all these weeks! To me, he just seemed like a competent, affable young guy from Scotland, with nothing terribly exciting, fresh or different to offer.

So anyway, turn away now if you don't want to know who won…. okay, have you gone? Last chance... right, for those who have stayed or already know: Leon Jackson was crowned X Factor 4's winner. How utterly bizarre!

I think the public just couldn't imagine buying an album by oddball Rhydian, or face the embarrassment of pushing a Same Difference single over the counter at HMV. So Leon won by a kind of default -- he was "safe" and appealed to the kind of viewers who aren't out dancing to music on Saturday evenings, but instead gather with family and friends on their sofa.

And I have nothing against that. What do I care? I wouldn't buy anyone's album. I think Leona Lewis is an amazingly talented singer, but I'm fed up with hearing her "Bleeding Love" on the radio, so there's no chance of me shelling out for her album...

Let's be honest. I saved myself a lot of time avoiding X Factor this year. For anyone who did stick with it, week in/week out, was it worth it? Really?? The blandest singer won. Of the three, at least Rhydian would have been an antidote to the guitar-based bands who dominate the charts these days. There's nobody else around to fly the flag for crazy, visual, bizarre, pop music -- is there?

But Leon? I dunno. Maybe I missed all the weeks when he delivered amazing vocals and performances, but I somehow doubt it. He was very under-the-radar for me, as the newspapers led me to believe it was a two-horse race between Rhydian and Same Difference. Don't you just love the British public, though? I bet some lucky people made a killing at Ladbrokes!

My predictions for X Factor's finalists now:

Leon: probably the Christmas #1 (although it's not as certain this year), an under-performing follow-up single in April, and eventual obscurity like Mr. Brookstein...

Same Difference: a top 10 cheesy hit sometime around March, but they'll be touring Butlins by summer, sharing a billing with Chico and the Cheeky Girls...

Rhydian: a #7 hit with a cover of something a bit weird (but probably with a funny/bad music video), but no lasting success.

Same old, same old...

The X Factor 5 hotline for 2008's contestants is now open. Calls cost: too much.

X FACTOR 4: No wonder Mrs O wants to go!

X Factor 4. It sounds like some kind of lotion you need to withstand the atrocious losers who try their luck in front of the Judges each week. Audition week 4 began in Dublin, Louis' home turf (as if that really means anything), where the talent was non-existent; summed up by "graveyard singing" 44-year-old twins Michelle and Julie, who murdered Arms Of An Angel.

Predictably, Simon Cowell moaned about the quality of singers. Like he does every single week. He seems to be the only person in the world who doesn't understand that the auditions process are supposed to be painfully bad.

The talent moderately improved when they left Dublin, and some fun returned with deluded crackpot Maria, a 70-year-old woman who brought her own auto-cue so the Judges could sing along with her ditty Wild & Sexy. The Judges were noticeably silent, which was to be expected, but I think they'd have remained mute even if the tune has been The Wheels On The Bus. All four of them have terrible singing voices, best kept silent... and yes, I'm including Dannii Minogue in that statement.

For me, this episode contained a moment that just beggared belief: a 30-year-old dance teacher from Doncaster who did an appalling rendition of Liberty X's Just A Little Bit whilst straddling a chair and doing the splits. Sharon Osbourne knew she was a topless dancer just from that performance, which was a bit of a worry. She was certainly very limber with a "great body" according to Simon, but she couldn't sing and has no charisma. So... of course... she got a "yes" from ALL the Judges and was put through to Boot Camp!

I mean, seriously. She's through! How? Don't ask me. I don't think the Judges give a shit this year, do they? They'll kick the stripper out during Boot Camp in a few weeks times, so it's no biggie. But why raise someone's hopes like that, and make your own judging abilities look so lacking in the interim?

The next problem I had was when the aforementioned 70-year-old Maria got a split decision from the Judges (YES: Louis and Dannii. NO: Sharon and Simon), and was shown the door. But why? If it's a split decision, shouldn't she get the benefit of the doubt and be put through? I'm sure that's what happened a few weeks ago!

Nobody seems to care any more. This week, a tabloid reported Sharon is ready to quit X Factor next year. See, I told you she looked bored to tears last week! I can see why Mrs O wants to go; the show is such a laborious waste of time this year. You may as well just start watching for the last 4 weeks in December. I'm past the whole "laughing at bad singers" thing.

The two crazy decisions in this episode tipped me over the edge. I won't be tuning in next week, but I'll keep half an eye on events through the press until the Live Shows start up, perhaps...

X FACTOR 4: The Good, The Bad & The Deluded...

Week 33. Uh, I mean 3.

We're just half-way through the audition round... and Dannii is still trying to fake enthusiasm for the auditions, as her cheekbones remain the most impressive thing about her; Louis is his usual perkily predictable self; Sharon looks utterly bored by everything (probably because she knows it's all a pointless exercise in ruining the UK Christmas Number One tradition), and Simon remains on autopilot, throwing out quips and put-downs that have hardly changed since the days of Pop Idol...

The X Factor's search for someone to exploit continued in Glasgow, where Simon upset fans of last year's McDonald Brothers -- who consist of the McDonald family, I think. But even Mr Nasty couldn't bring himself to snipe at a "cute" Japanese "girl", 31-year-old Tatosho, who gave a quiet rendition of Sinatra's My Way, before being patronized to within an inch of her life by the judges.

It was then on to Birmingham, a city that seemed to have some talent to share -- such as sexy girl group Fallen Angels -- although a few barmy brummies turned up like bad smells. Most memorable was a combo of siblings-husbands-and-wives called It's About Time, with one member admitting their dream is for their mum to live next door to Wet Wet Wet's Marti Pellow. Of course, their lackluster performance was drubbed by Simon for being "carol singer" standard, before the mother broke down into tears...

A few moments of emotional blackmail ensued, which worked a treat on Louis, but forced Dannii to make her first big decision on the show. Well, it was about time she did something. Anyway, she showed them the door, and the teary-eyed mum cried on Dermot's shoulder, utterly baffled that Simon hadn't told "the truth".

And somewhere in the UK, Marti Pellow let out a sigh of relief...

But where was Sharon Osbourne in all of this, I hear you cry? Like Louis, she's just as easily swayed by a good sob story, so her valuable vote could have rescued It's About Time! Well, she'd flown back to Los Angeles because of "work commitments". So what's X Factor then, Shazza -- a hobbie?

The frustrating thing about X Factor now is how utterly predictable it's become. This could be a repeat of an episode from last year. Or 2005, for that matter! Only Dannii's presence and Sharon's expanding jaw-line dates it to 2007!

The editing and the music choices to highlight the emotional highs and lows is also as formulaic as ever. So whenever Jo from S Club 7 belts out "never had a dream come true", it's clear someone has been put through to Boot Camp.

You could actually save yourself a lot of time by waiting till Sunday and then downloading all the best bits off Youtube. It turns a hour-long slog of bitching and adverts into a decent 12 minutes of entertainment. Try it!

X FACTOR 4: Are the loonies jumping ship?

Week 2 of... well, it's easier to cope with if you think in terms of months.

So, it's Month 1 of 4... and I can't yet fathom why the X Factor decided to "shake up the format" by including Dannii Minogue, a woman famous for being "Kylie's not-as-good sister". She's apparently had a big pop career if you believe the show's blurb, but all I can remember of it is a succession of poor albums in a Woolworths bargain bin.

At the moment, Dannii is content to just sit behind the desk with Simon, Sharon and Louis, doing her best impression of a talent show judge (i.e, offer little reasons for any decisions, rarely give constructive criticism). Instead, she just looks pretty and likes to hiss "yessss" when an average wedding singer suddenly resembles Frank Sinatra, because he followed a mentally deranged OAP.

At this early stage, The X Factor is the TV equivalent of a Roman Colosseum, with Emperor Cowell turning his thumb down to tone-deaf simpletons as the millions of TV viewers cheer their approval at home. But there was little to enjoy in Week 2, with the whole show painfully predictable after four long years.

You know exactly who will/won't be put through to Boot Camp (especially as the production team filter thousands into a manageable few hundred of clearly "good" and "bad"). You didn't really think Cowell and cronies have the time or inclination to listen to thousands of people every day, did you? They'd still be sat in Cardiff come March!

No, everything is a little bit twisted for the cameras on shows like this. Do you think Sharon Osbourne genuinely recognized former hopeful Paris? A girl she'd heard sing for a few minutes 12 months ago? Don't be silly! Last year, moon-faced Paris was one of those "sob stories" X Factor love so much; a little girl who got through her audition but immediately admitted she was too young to enter...

But she's back and brimming with confidence this year, thanks to the age limit being lowered to 14. She impressed all four judges... despite a painful few minutes of screeching. Sure, she can hit some high notes, but her audition showed no real emotion. It was a very mechanical. But, even Simon Cowell isn't nasty enough to say no, particularly as it would suggest she's getting worse year by year, poor girl.

For those who only watch for the morons, there were a few notables this week: an unintelligible old man, a whispery Indian guy who had compiled a massive list of bad choices to sing badly, and the Nutter Of The Week... "John The Song", a Cardiff maths teacher (who can't work out how to open a door), who proceeded to prance around whilst murdering a Tom Jones classic. Cowell told him it was "horrific". "Horrifically good?" poor deluded John replied...

The X Factor's early stages live or die by the quality of the quality of its loonies, but they seem to be thin on the ground right now. It's a sad day when British talent getting better undermines the entertainment quality of a talent show! But maybe even the crackpots are finally realizing the best you can realistically hope to win on the X Factor is a summer stint at Butlins -- not a hit album! Some contestants are clearly arriving with a massive chip on their shoulder months before the show has a chance to dash their hopes come winter...

Dermot O'Leary, the other injection of "freshness" alongside Ms Minogue, is doing a capable job of presenting. He's actually becoming Mr Saturday Night, thanks to an unfortunate scheduling clash that has him presenting 1 Vs 100 at the exact same time on BBC1. I'm sure you can find on a Big Brother's Little Brother repeat somewhere, too...

X FACTOR 4: Rearranging the deckchairs on Titanic...

Lock the door... take the phone off the hook... put the cat out... disconnect the internet... reschedule that visit to your dying mum's bedside... because The X Factor is back! The countdown to Christmas (Xmas?) has officially begun...

It's the world's most protracted reality TV show; giving a voice to the great and ghastly of fame-hungry Brits. Enjoy it while it lasts, because things get progressively average and sterile, until the sexiest finalist inevitably bags the mum/gay/girl vote in December and walks away with a Christmas Number One.

You should always keep an eye on the losers, really. Brit award-winner Lemar and hit factory Girls Aloud were all talent show flops. Even operatic X Factor losers G4 successfully released Christmas and Mother's Day albums for a few years, before breaking up recently.

The huge expectation of being the winner is sidestepped if you come in a respectable second, third of fourth. Unless your name's Ray Quinn. Past winners like X Factor's Steve Brookstein and Shane Ward just seemed to crumble in the public limelight. Mind you, Ward's main failing has been a lack of public glare! Where is he? Apparently an album is on the way very soon... but it's 24 months late, mate!

Leona Lewis, last year's winner and the most amazing singer any talent show in the world has unearthed thus far, could also find herself on the scrapheap. Despite out-Whitney'ing Whitney every week last year, she hasn't released her first album yet! It's due in November, nearly a year since after she won. By that time, the nation will be slavishly devoted to X Factor 4's Battle Of The Blands, and only Leona's die-hard supporters will even think to buy it. Or blokes stuck for Christmas present inspiration...

Anyway, the pro's and con's of The X Factor are dredged up every year, so I'll try to stop rambling on about it. I actually really enjoy the show in its early audition stages (yes, okay, I like laughing at bad singers, I'll admit it), but I get irritated by the whole process once it's winter and the damn thing is still shuffling along every Saturday. In January they should sell "I Survived The X Factor" T-shirts!

Saturday's premiere involved the much-publicized changes to the format, which had begun to grow noticeably stale last year. So, we now have the age limit reduced to 14, which will likely infuriate 13-year-olds. But don't worry -- in 5 years time, Simon Cowell will have microphones pressed up to pregnant stomachs in his unquenchable search for a star.

The main changes are the booting out of grinning presenter Kate Thornton and the hiring of affable Dermot O'Leary from Big Brother's Little Brother. Most controversially, out went Irish judge Louis Walsh and in comes Australian judge Dannii Minogue and Brian "The American One" Friedman. But then, out goes "The American One" and back comes Louis... because "the chemistry wasn't right". *cough* Publicity stunt? *cough*

Maybe the producers should have considered why they hired an American choreographer to judge singing? Anyway, he's now a "creative director" on the show, which presumably means he'll be teaching the finalists how to walk around a stage, sit at a piano and get up from a stool without falling over.

Sharon Osbourne still remains, clucking over the boys like a red-haired hen. I'm guessing even Simon wouldn't fire her over a phone from L.A, at the risk of having his eardrums pierced by her trans-Atlantic banshee scream. Sharon's a curious celebrity; a woman whose only notable musical success has been to stay married to old rocker Ozzie. She couldn't even handle a light tea-time ITV chat show. As a judge of talent, what are her credentials? As far as I can see, she just has her opinion. Well, whoopee, we all have a damn opinion!

The bedrock of the show is always Simon Cowell, another man of scabrous musical history prior to judging talent shows. But, to give the Buzz Lightyear lookalike his due, he's the best judge on TV (just pipping Judge Judy.) It's just a shame his mantra is "to obscurity, and beyond!" when it comes to his winners...

You see, Simon's after-show care is what I worry about. Seriously, I'm up all night worrying, because God help you if you have Simon looking after your interests! Does he give a stuff it's taken Leona Lewis over a year to warble into a microphone? Nahhh, don't be daft! He has Idol, X Factor and Britain's Got Talent to be getting on with. He's a busy jet-setter. He doesn't have time to develop and sustain existing talent... he's always looking for The Next Big Thing, because that's how his genius* works. He's a talent bloodhound. This is the guy who helped give the world Gareth Gates, Michelle McManus and the half-dozen American Idols nobody's heard.

Dannii Minogue survived the cull, to become the X Factor's fourth judge. According to Dermot, she's "a popstar who's been there and done it." It's just a shame nobody took much notice while she was doing it, eh? As far as I could see, she was just as useless as "The American One" at judging... only with bigger breasts. I guess the heterosexual demographic need some eye candy if we're to be denied Kate Thornton this year. And the homosexual demographic can idolize her too -- as it's in the Minogue sister's genetic makeup.

It may have been because of the careful editing, whereby "The American One" went from ineffectual nice-guy to idiot Yank in just 5 minutes, but Louis Walsh's return did come as a relief. I like Louis, particularly in the audition rounds, where he genuinely seems interested and excited about the process. It's a shame he becomes a stuck record during the live shows, and seems to instigate many of those mundanely rehearsed "arguments" and "water fights" with Simon, though...

Strangely, nobody mentioned the inherent problem with having four judges either: split decisions. Maybe that's why a number of no-hopers were inexplicably put through to Boot Camp (the crazy 79-year-old who plays musical instruments through her nose, and the primary school teacher who was spared having to tell her entire assembly of pupils that she'd died on her arse.)

As first episodes go, it was a worrying debut. The focus was on The Judges, whereas it should always be on the contestants. Dermot O'Leary was also left on the sidelines, despite being someone who quite clearly works best in full control of events. He may come into his own during the Live Show phases.

The talent(less) assembled were also pretty mundane by past standards. The good weren't that great and the bad weren't that funny. Only the first contestant raised a few giggles, as she sang Never Walk Alone at a snail's pace and higher than Simon's trouser belt.

In trying to revamp themselves, The X Factor seems to have just pointlessly tinkered with the engine: resulting in Dermot and Dannii. And I don't think either will rescue the show from being another increasingly pointless exercise in audience exploitation.

There will be some comedy gold along the way, I'm sure. The eccentric and bewildered British public will make sure of that. We may even get a winner of Leona Lewis' caliber as an early Christmas present. But... I doubt we'll get what The X Factor always says it's searching for: a genuinely talented singer, with star quality, who will set the world on fire (without having to wait a year for the chance, preferably...)

* Copyright Star Stories.