My apologies to anyone who expected more posts about Celebrity Big Brother 2009, but last week was quite busy (on the blog, and in real life), so I haven't had much time to write anything. The celebs have been in the house for 10 days now, so let's assess 'em -- in ascending order of who should win.Mutya Buena: Dear, oh dear. She looks like a bundle of fun and street attitude, but she's actually an introverted, sour-faced bore. Has she done or said anything since unpacking?
Tina Malone: The producers wanted a loud, gobby scouser... and they got their wish. She's yet to erupt, but hopefully Mount Malone's lava will flow in Coolio's direction when she does. A strange one, really: sometimes I find her straight-talking and working class cheekiness refreshing and entertaining... sometimes, she's just an irritating old boot.
Tommy Sheridan: The only man willing to stand up to Coolio (about his "ho's, bitches, women" speech), and the Scottish politician hasn't done much to upset anyone. I can tell he's opinionated and could be explosive if angered, but nobody's really pushing him enough yet. He's just a bit deluded about viewers thinking there's a vibe between him and Michelle! As if.
LaToya Jackson: A cross between a chimp and a Pekinese dog, but twice as bewildered by human society. As shy, squeaky-voiced and private as we expected. But... she is slowly defrosting day by day, and seems generally quite nice. Her only failing in BB terms is how boring she is as a housemate. A fact not counteracted by any particularly funny showbiz stories. For a Jackson, she's just not nutty enough -- although her Coolie impression while dressed as a jester was a brief highlight.
Ben Adams: A very nice guy, but a continually boring housemate. Even when he's stung by a comment (usually from Coolio, about him fancying Michelle), he'll let it slide to keep the peace. I can totally understand his attitude and approach to things (the "we're only here for a few weeks, so it's not worth the agro" stance), but it makes for deathly-dull entertainment. A possibility to win, though, because BB winners are usually a normal person we reward for putting up with all the madness.
Coolio: The undisputed star this year, but only because he's the only one ill-mannered enough to annoy everyone just to entertain himself. Fun to watch, but an obvious nightmare to live with. I hope he doesn't win, but I want him to stay for as long as possible. Imagine how boring it would be without Coolio's inappropriate sexual conversations, ghetto tales, flatulence, old lady impressions, loudness, and shit-stirring?
Ulrika Jonsson: Vain, self-critical, and sometimes aloof. But, considering I thought Ulrika had devolved into a trampy non-entity just a few months ago, I'm surprised by how well she's coming across. She's fine, really. A bit bland, but there you go. She also seems to be ageing backwards in the house. Wathergirl Ulrika circa 1993 may be leaving the house in a few weeks.
Verne Troyer: As the few UK fans of The Surreal Life will know, Verne was put into CBB to be the bizarre and outrageous one (he got paralytic and drove his buggy around naked in one infamous episode.) But, nothing like that has has happened on CBB. No, he's just very likeable and giggly guy. His incredibly small stature hasn't dominated how he's perceived, and he's a real possibility to win. I wish he'd actually do more, though, but I understand he's physically limited and a bit overawed by it all.
Michelle Heaton: Surprisingly, I really like her. She was the least talented member of Liberty X and has spent her post-X career getting married on reality TV and appearing in lad's mags. I had a preconception about her, but she's actually incredibly sweet and down-to-earth. She's a bit too sensitive, and turns on the waterworks too much, but I think she'd be great fun if she had livelier housemates in there with her. But Ulrika, Tina and Mutya are wet blankets, really -- and the evicted Lucy Pinder proved to be disappointingly prim and posh for a glamour model. Oh, and I will admit to looking at Michelle's firm bum during the "Call On Me" '80s dance task.
Terry Christian: I suspected it when he first entered the house, and Terry's proving me spot-on correct: he's actually a nice, trustworthy, funny bloke. Even Terry believes he's an irritating and dislikeable person after being described that way by the press since his his '90s heyday... but it's just not true. Okay, he was a cocky git on The Word, but that was over 15 years ago! In the house, he's pretty normal, mannered, and knowledgeable. A history lesson he gave to Coolio and Verne at 1am (covering European conflicts from the 1500s and the discovery of America) was a surprisingly good listen. See, BB can be informative and educational! He's still my pick to win, as I can't think of anyone who could defeat him in a public vote. And I still can't believe he's 48 years old! He looks about 36.
