Dragons' Den: have the dragons lost their fire?

The BBC's Dragons' Den is back for another series, but I'm not sure the formula is being adhered to. The five multi-millionaire "dragons" appear to have been de-clawed through too much self-publicity (especially those documentaries that peeked into each businessman's private lives), so they're no longer the fearsome beasts the title would have us believe...

Remember previous years, when entrepreneurs would regularly stumble over their words and sweat buckets under the frozen stares of these inscrutable investors? These days everyone's more at ease because the dragons have been exposed as personable, nay likeable people. Consequently, a lot of fun for the viewer has vanished in seeing entrepreneurs squirm or dry-up under the spotlight. You're only really in trouble if you corner yourself into the embarrassment of not being able to recall your own financial statistics.

Take last night's episode, where the once-scary dragons eagerly participated in various demonstrations (drumming, playing poker) and even performed a "magic trick" with a revolving bathroom unit. All with the enthusiasm of grinning schoolboys. Where once there was only one "nice dragon" (traditionally perched on the far left), they're all fairly pleasant now. Even Duncan Bannatyne's attempts to be a bad boy last night (turning down an offer to participate with a drumming troupe, before labeling their team-working idea "horrendous") was played for sardonic humour.

Maybe we're seeing an intentional tweak to the formula because of the financial climate? Are the BBC cautious about broadcasting a TV show where dragons (essentially one-man "banks") try to unnerve the decent, common man who are essentially just after a "loan"?

Interestingly, there are signs the credit crunch has affected the program itself; the dragons rarely invest in something without partnering another dragon to share the financial risk, and the opening credits no longer show the millionaires getting out of personal jets, driving flash cars, or relaxing aboard luxury yachts. No, no. Now they just stand in silence in font of a dilapidated warehouse smothered in CGI heat-haze.

Of course, while Dragons' Den is noticeable duller when it comes to the dragon/entrepreneur face-offs, it's still entertaining because the mix of business ideas and inventions are reliably bizarre (make-up for ethnic skin tones), untenable (disposable plates made from palm tree leaves) or genius (a magnetic way to quickly thread cable through walls.) But I can't help thinking it's about time the dragons stopped being so cuddly and started breathing fire again, or were else replaced by millionaires the public don't have a firm handle on. Bring back the uncertainty and fear, basically.


22 July 2009
BBC1, 9pm

Thought Of The Day: Dragons' Den

I like the opening credits for this sixth series, mostly for the way dragon James Caan's name is mentioned at the exact moment we see a sign for French resort "Cannes" -- implying he owns the place! Or it was just named after his family?

It's also amusing to see Peter Jones' neutered role in the titles; sat alone in an office, on the phone. No Gremlins in sight, sadly. No time for tennis this year, Pete? No yachts or sports cars to zoom around in like your fellow millionaires? I wonder; is this the BBC's revenge for him absconding to America and tweaking the DD format into American Inventor?

Also, specific to last night's episode, is it suddenly a good idea to have a sob story in the Den? The dragons all hated that recycled packaging business, until the two entrepreneurs mentioned that, between them, they'd been in rehab and contracted a killer virus in hospital!

Suddenly, they had two dragons eager to do business (Peter and Theo), who gave them £60,000 investment -- 8 grand more than they asked for! All very well, but it could set a dangerous precedent. Can we expect to see people hobbling up the stairs on crutches, hacking into their sleeves mid-pitch, and mentioning their gran's medical expenses from now on? Maybe I should pitch some nonsense to the dragons from inside an iron lung next year?

TV Week 13: Dragons' Den & The Kevin Bishop Show

My thirteenth TV Week column is now up at Newslite.tv, with reviews for the series opener of Dragons' Den and brand new The Kevin Bishop Show.

DRAGONS' DEN 5.1

"I'll give you the hundred grand you're after; for 40% equity... and your firstborn son..."

It seems like Dragons' Den has been around forever, but I've yet to see something in the shops I recognize from the show! Of course, there have been successes (Reggae Reggae Sauce, anyone?), but it's clear that Dragons' Den isn't going to unearth a life-changing invention. Well, unless you've always hankered for a pair of transparent wellies...

But the five Dragons are back: grouchy, incomprehensible Duncan Bannatyne; foppish, pun-loving Peter Jones; cheeky, wry-smiling Theo Paphitis; stern, school mistress Deborah Meaden; and new millionaire James Caan, a bloke who changed his name from Khan -- so as not be confused with Genghis, presumably -- but who had obviously never seen Misery...

Speaking of misery (ooh, seamless), that's exactly what's in store for most of the "entrepreneurs"/chancers who step into "The Den", as host Evan Davies likes to describe an empty warehouse. I always thought it was lions that lived in dens, anyway...

Anyway, the first bloke to enter their lair was David Beckham. God, things must be going badly in America, if he's been reduced to -- ah, wait -- it's just a lookalike called Andy. You can always guarantee the first person to enter the den will stumble, sweat and generally balls-up their pitch, and so it proved to be. Andy ("I can't talk") was essentially trying to launch a lookalikes agency called Double Dates, with the assistance of "Will Smith" and "Johnny Depp".

The Dragons were divided over the profitability of such a venture, particularly when Will Smith admitted he'd break Andy's "exclusive contract" for £250 cash-in-hand on a Friday night. Next!

I prefer the inventions over event/activity ideas, so a festival called Beach Break Live in the West Country didn't really appeal to me. The founders, Celia and Ian, were after £50,000, but they annoyed James Caan with misleading sales for the previous year (2000 people attended, but only half actually paid an entry fee.) Let that be a lesson; never try and pull the wool over a Dragons' eyes!

Hilariously bad inventions were thin on the ground, sadly... but we did see some "thigh-dries" and a bloke who's covered gym balls in furry carpet (voila, "Furryballs!") Particularly amusing were two geeks trying to sell their "Dates With Mates" service, where you beat social embarassment by going on dates with a friend tagging along. Hmmm. Oh well, it was worth it it for Peter Jones' reposte: "I don't struggle to get dates, because I'm seriously good-looking and wealthy". And modest -- eh, Pete?

Uh-oh. Evan Davies has sprung up like a suited Gollum, to remind viewers that pitchers can't bring notes in with them, so have to remember all their facts and figures. You can guess what happens next...

An overweight, pale couple with luminous pink hair waddle upstairs and try to flog jerky snacks. They're not sure about any finances (or personal hygiene, by the look of them), so call on their advocate John. Bearded numbers-man John promptly arrives and begins fudging his figures. Dragon Caan smells bullshit. Their image doesn't inspire confidence in anyone, so the jerky-peddlers are shown the door. Well, the stairs.

The last person to enter the den was a young black guy called Laban Roomes -- who wants to franchise his company Midas Touch. It helps he has a silly name, as Levi Roots can attest last year. But Laban didn't have to rely on a Levi-style guitar solo, because his gizmo turns base metal into gold.... ooooh....

Ahem. Well, no. It actually gold-plates things -- like mobile phone covers and car badges. But that's still pretty good, isn't it? The Dragons are impressed anyway, and newbie James Caan eventually gives him £60,000 for 40% of the business. Result!

Overall, it's business as usual. There's a lovely balance of humour and tension in Dragons' Den, but this episode wasn't brilliant. The ideas being pitched were either already around (lookalikes agency/music festival), boring (snacks) or a bit mundane (gold-plating machine).

For best results, you need extremes on Dragons' Den -- but episode 1 of this fifth series was firmly stuck in neutral. And where were Peter Jones' groan-worthy puns? I feel cheated. I also slightly miss axed Richard Farley (he made his fortune in rusks?), because he was the nice-guy antidote to milk-curdlers like Deborah Meaden.


15 October 2007
BBC2, 9.00 pm