Dan's Media Digest

EASTENDERS
Fri 18 May 07, BBC 1, 8.00pm

As is customary in soaps, every six months you need a life-or-death situation to boost ratings and allow the poor writers a chance to pen a gripping action thriller... on a shoestring budget.

Such a moment came on Friday for EastEnders with a nightmarish camping trip for rivals Phil Mitchell and Ian Beale. Both were forced to go on a camping trip with Ben Mitchell (Phil's son, Ian's half-brother), joined in their gloom by Ian's son Peter and Billy Mitchell.

To say things didn't go according to plan would be like saying "does Dot like fags?" Having already burned down their tent with an errant fire, Phil proceeded to crash their car trying to avoid a tree (heaven knows why a tree had fallen down in the summer...)

Ben had minor whiplash, a blessing given the sprog's run of bad luck (dead mum, abusive stepmum-to-be). Phil and Billy got off lightly with cuts and bruises, plus a severe ear-bashing from Ian soon after. Ian himself had hurt his arm, but the real casualty was his son Peter, breathing but non-responsive on the backseat...

So far, so tragic, but things were about to get worse... and silly.

Omens had been revealing themselves throughout the episode, of course. Whenever a group of blokes have their lives threatened in a soap, you can bet your back teeth their wives and girlfriends are having a wonderful time together. And so it came to pass. Cue the improbable sight of Jane, Peggy, Honey and Lucy having a sing-along to Mica in Tanya's beauty parlour! Of course, there was one boy there (little Bobby Beale) but he'd quickly developed a fascination with cross-dressing, to help the male/female division!

Back to the action and, wouldn't you just know it, Phil's mobile couldn't get a signal! Gah! You'd think they'd gone camping in the wilds of Kenya, not the outskirts of London. It must also have slipped Phil's mind to see if Ian's phone might work instead. In the world of EastEnders, they must all be on the same provider, I guess...

Anyway, Billy's a handy guy to have around if you need someone to run about flailing their arms, so he was dispatched to get help. Of course, the sight of Billy Mitchell emerging from a forest with a bloody forehead only made potential Samaritans drive off!

Back at the smashed-up car, a few moments after Phil's idea to single-handedly move a tree to the side of the road(!) had failed off-screen, he dragged Ian out kick-and-screaming, leaving the two kids on the backseat. It was now that EastEnders morphed into Final Destination 4 and the crashed car mysteriously began to roll down the road! The only possible reason for this was scrawny Ian's weight had been enough to keep a car rooted to the spot... and I'm certain he weighs less than porker Phil.

The car rolled down the hill at a slow pace, chased in futility by fat-boy Phil. But the bad luck didn't end there, as some idiot had put a lake at the bottom of the hill and the car splashed into its murky depths. As the vehicle sunk, kids screaming in the back, Ian desperately leaped into the water and had to be rescued by Phil.

Impending doom and a car-load of cold water had woken Peter up and both kids found themselves trapped underwater in an air-pocket. Phil dived down a few times, finally managing to drag Ben up to safety. Peter (who is a swimming Olympian-in-the-making, according to weeks of foreshadowing by Ian) swam out himself... but snagged his foot in a seatbelt. D'oh!

Luckily, Phil got down and freed him and we left the episode with Phil attempting mouth-to-mouth resuscitation... but not before the most bonkers moment in EastEnders for quite some time. Well, two weeks. Back at the Queen Vic, Peter's twin sister Lucy heard a spooky cry for help, confirmed an earlier statement from ditzy Honey that she might be "telepathetic".

Telly pathetic, more like...