That's it; Christmas is officially over. I know this because Celebrity Big Brother's back, so peace on earth and goodwill to all men just can't co-exist. I'm not sure there's a huge audience for Big Brother-related posts here at DMD, as previous ones rarely inspire many comments. But, I quite enjoy writing them, so expect occasionally commentary on CBB09 over the next three weeks...The Live Launch was introduced by an errant Cybershade from Doctor Who's Christmas Special. Oh no, it's Davina McCall. Silly me. An easy mistake to make with that shaggy top she was wearing, but the facial gurning and disingenuous statements are the give-away. Davina accrued street cred with her fabulous turn as a zombie in Dead Set last October, but all that's forgotten within two-minutes of her half-drunk, hip auntie routine. Awful.
First into the house was LaToya Jackson, older sister of Michael Jackson. It's enough to justify using Jacko hits at the backing track to her entrance VT, anyway. I guess her brother Germaine (a previous CBB occupant) must have recommended this as a great experience? What a sense of humour! Amusingly, LaToya heads straight to the Private Bedroom and marks her territory by putting a bag on the bed. Like Germaine, she'll probably surprise and disappoint us by being the quiet and only slightly eccentric. The producers seem to believe everyone related to Wacko Jacko's going to be a total fruitcake, but that's never really been the case.
Second in was Mutya Buena -- which sounds like a German brand of chocolates, but is actually a former-Sugababe. She's boo'd by the crowd as she enters, weirdly. I mean, how dare she choose to focus on bringing up her young daughter instead of cough-up albums with the other 'babes! Mutya has a rather alarming look (covered in studs and tattoo's), but she seems okay. I think her attitude will be entertaining.
Third up is Verne Troyer (a.k.a Mini Me from the Austin Powers films), who engenders lots of cheers from the crowd because nobody wants to "boo" a midget, do they? Or whatever the PC term is these days. Little person? Is dwarf back in favour? Amusingly, Verne has to enter the house via a cat-flap sized door on ground level, before being handed a suitcase that threatened to squash him. So far, with his toothy grin and tendency to giggle, he's the most likeable celeb. Not sure I'd label him "cute", as many people do, though.
Tommy Sheridan is the first housemate whose celebrity status is probably even lost on his mother, too. Apparently he's a Scottish politician who became "infamous" for leading a few riots against the Poll Tax in the early-'90s. He's clearly intended to be the George Galloway of CBB09, but it doesn't help that nobody knows who he is. Still, he seems decent enough on first impressions. I sense he'll be after the Alpha Male status, which is sure to cause some aggro.
It's time for the obligatory saucepot, in the form of Page 3 model Lucy Pinder and her inflatable chest. Predictably, Lucy tells us she's going to shatter preconceptions about bimbo models. That's why she's on CBB, y'see -- it's not for the money! She supposedly has 11 GCSE's (all graded F?) Oh well, despite a mildly irritating and slightly posh voice, she's great to look at. But with no chance of any sunbathing in sub-zero January, I'm not sure how long she'll last as a pretty face.
Ben Adams is up next. You might not know the name, but... oh, okay, you won't know the face either! He was the lead singer of late-'90s boy-band A1 -- you remember. The pretty-boy with the hair curtains. He actually comes across very well on his VT and gets lots of cheers from the crowd to prove that. A down-to-earth guy, it would seem. An early contender to win? The nice ones always win BB, don't they?
Okay, what we need is battleaxe to cause some arguments and counteract the feminine loveliness of Ms. Pinder. Hey presto, here comes Tina Malone – a self-described "fat scouser" best known from acting in Brookside and Shameless -- unless you don't watch Brookside or Shameless. Like me. A battleaxe, then.
Coolio is the third American to have been persuaded to participate in this TV circus. The mid-'90s rapper who gave us Gangsta's Paradise earns applause as he exits his car, and entered the house in a generally agreeable manner. These tough-looking gangsters are often pussycats underneath the bravado and bling, so expect him to become a favourite to make the final, too. Unless he's an arse.
Ninth into the house is Michelle Heaton, formerly of Liberty X. Her career since the group split has mainly involved reality shows (like marrying Andy Scott-Lee on MTV), so she knows the drill. She's quite attractive and agreeable, but doesn't look likely to make a big impact. She'll probably just sit back and get voted out when we've grown tired of her.
Housemate number ten is early-'90s TV presenter Terry Christian of The Word fame, who now revels in his reputation as a northern twat. Weird thing is, he's always come across as quite a funny and humble bloke to me. I wouldn't be surprised if CBB actually does his career some good, when people realize he's just a self-deprecating, slightly cocky bloke trying to earn a crust. Good luck to him, I say. He's already become the first Head Of House, so we'll be seeing him until week 2 at least.
And the final celeb to the showbiz slaughter is Swede Ulrika Jonsson; trying to resurrect her '90s TV career after starring in that Shooting Stars anniversary special at Christmas. She looks a lot less trampy than she did there, but the crowd could sense the last-ditch desperation in Ulrika's presence, so she was roundly boo'd. But she's my pick for the celeb most likely to change your opinion of her, though.So there you have it. Let the bickering, tantrums, fights, sulkiness and embarassment commence. Do you have an early favourite? Who's first for the chop? Will you even be watching?
2 January 2009
Channel 4, 9pm
