Right now, somewhere in Australia, in a remote rainforest not too far from a five-star luxury hotel, a D-list celebrity is about to earn the dubious honour of becoming King/Queen Of The Jungle...
Will it be panto heavyweight (in more ways than one) Christopher Biggins, dimwit former boy-bander J, or acidic middle-aged supermodel Janice Dickinson?
And does anyone really care anymore?
I have no beef with I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here -- as it's actually one of the better reality TV shows – because it doesn't outstay its welcome, the bushtucker trials are inventive, hosts Ant & Dec are funny, and there will always be classic moments (usually involving someone eating a kangaroo's anus or sharing a coffin with rats.)
But... I couldn't summon up the will to watch more than a few episodes this year. The show had its weakest line-up of "stars" ever. And even if that doesn't automatically cripple the show (because it's personalities that count), I couldn't muster the enthusiasm.
In the early days there was at least interest in seeing how people like spoon-bender Uri Gellar, big-boobed Jordan and crackpot Johnny Rotten adapted to the environment. But this year? Only prissy lunatic Janice Dickinson struck me as a worthwhile person to see grow/struggle/breakdown amidst snakes and spiders.
And can I just point out a big flaw in the format, too? Why do they allow the same celebs to do bushtucker trials every day in that first week? Once they've done one, that should be it!
It irritates me because the voting public predictably want the most annoying person to be "punished" every day, so we had to put up with Janice refusing to do anything for days on end. Oh, how entertaining... watching a spoiled Yank shrug and not bother taking part in a trial that probably took a team of people weeks to design, build and make safe.
The main "story" this time was the Marc Bannerman/Cerys Matthews "relationship". Ex-EastEnder Bannerman had a long-term girlfriend (actress Sarah Matravers) waiting at home, but he still decided to snuggle up to ex-Catatonia singer Cerys in camp...
I saw Matravers on This Morning shortly after, shrugging it off as just her boyfriend's touchy-feely personality, and the fact he adores sweet-natured people. She looked totally unbothered by it all...
What a difference a few days make! Marc and Cerys kissed, Matravers jetted into Australia incensed, Marc and Cerys got closer on national TV, Matravers flew back to the UK outraged, Marc was evicted and claimed he was "in love with two people", Cerys was later evicted and... oh you get the picture. Major ruckus, basically.
Marc, Cerys (and maybe even Matravers) will be milking this love triangle for a good few months, I feel. If we let them. For the love of God, don't buy the inevitable "reveal all" issue of Heat, people!
So there you have it. Why bother watching? The newspapers feed you all the information you need, YouTube have the clip of "Biggins and a rat" for immediate satisfaction... and does it even matter who wins?
What's the prize, exactly? Becoming the face of a supermarket chain (Kerry Katona)? An immediate return to obscurity (Tony Blackburn/Carol Thatcher)? Narrating a DVD of sporting goofs (Phil Tuffnell)? Presenting a remake of The Price Is Right (Joe Pasquale)? Co-hosting next year's sister show with your girlfriend (Matt Willis)? Bigger billing on panto posters for 2008?
Well, I think we know which one ol' Biggins is aiming for, anyway. Give him an early Christmas present by making him Queen Of The Jungle...
Will it be panto heavyweight (in more ways than one) Christopher Biggins, dimwit former boy-bander J, or acidic middle-aged supermodel Janice Dickinson?
And does anyone really care anymore?
I have no beef with I'm A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here -- as it's actually one of the better reality TV shows – because it doesn't outstay its welcome, the bushtucker trials are inventive, hosts Ant & Dec are funny, and there will always be classic moments (usually involving someone eating a kangaroo's anus or sharing a coffin with rats.)
But... I couldn't summon up the will to watch more than a few episodes this year. The show had its weakest line-up of "stars" ever. And even if that doesn't automatically cripple the show (because it's personalities that count), I couldn't muster the enthusiasm.
In the early days there was at least interest in seeing how people like spoon-bender Uri Gellar, big-boobed Jordan and crackpot Johnny Rotten adapted to the environment. But this year? Only prissy lunatic Janice Dickinson struck me as a worthwhile person to see grow/struggle/breakdown amidst snakes and spiders.
And can I just point out a big flaw in the format, too? Why do they allow the same celebs to do bushtucker trials every day in that first week? Once they've done one, that should be it!
It irritates me because the voting public predictably want the most annoying person to be "punished" every day, so we had to put up with Janice refusing to do anything for days on end. Oh, how entertaining... watching a spoiled Yank shrug and not bother taking part in a trial that probably took a team of people weeks to design, build and make safe.
The main "story" this time was the Marc Bannerman/Cerys Matthews "relationship". Ex-EastEnder Bannerman had a long-term girlfriend (actress Sarah Matravers) waiting at home, but he still decided to snuggle up to ex-Catatonia singer Cerys in camp...
I saw Matravers on This Morning shortly after, shrugging it off as just her boyfriend's touchy-feely personality, and the fact he adores sweet-natured people. She looked totally unbothered by it all...
What a difference a few days make! Marc and Cerys kissed, Matravers jetted into Australia incensed, Marc and Cerys got closer on national TV, Matravers flew back to the UK outraged, Marc was evicted and claimed he was "in love with two people", Cerys was later evicted and... oh you get the picture. Major ruckus, basically.
Marc, Cerys (and maybe even Matravers) will be milking this love triangle for a good few months, I feel. If we let them. For the love of God, don't buy the inevitable "reveal all" issue of Heat, people!
So there you have it. Why bother watching? The newspapers feed you all the information you need, YouTube have the clip of "Biggins and a rat" for immediate satisfaction... and does it even matter who wins?
What's the prize, exactly? Becoming the face of a supermarket chain (Kerry Katona)? An immediate return to obscurity (Tony Blackburn/Carol Thatcher)? Narrating a DVD of sporting goofs (Phil Tuffnell)? Presenting a remake of The Price Is Right (Joe Pasquale)? Co-hosting next year's sister show with your girlfriend (Matt Willis)? Bigger billing on panto posters for 2008?
Well, I think we know which one ol' Biggins is aiming for, anyway. Give him an early Christmas present by making him Queen Of The Jungle...
