Okay, so which one was the April Fool's joke?Is Frank Butcher really dead? Or was it the cruel threat that Ricky and Bianca will be returning to the show? I just can't decide...
But, seeing as comic actor Mike Reid really did die last year, my money would (ordinarily) be on the latter. Unfortunately, we've been carpet-bombed by BBC trailers that numbskull Ricky Butcher and fiery red-head (the polite term for ginger) Bianca are returning to Albert Square. For the dozens of you clamouring for the return of these idiots (the Palmer family and Sid's agent), you must be very, very happy.
Am I alone is thinking EastEnders is always at its worst whenever it attempts anything too "arty"? We only had a few flashbacks and voice-overs here (hardly a brave new world for TV narratives), but whenever these devices are used in soaps it totally drags me out of the show. Regardless, the sepia-tinted flashbacks arrived to show Frank and fat Pat getting married. Sepia? For 1989, not 1889? Weird.
On his death-bed, Frank had wrapped a present for Pat to open alone after he was gone. What's was in the box? A severed head? No. Some marital trinkets? No. Some ill-gotten cash? No. It was a battery-powered spinning bow-tie and white collar -- which Pat wore with pride in the mirror immediately, stirring a memory of this nightmare. The word "embarrassing" doesn't do this scene justice. We need a new word. Squirmbarassing?
With Ricky back for his dad's funeral, soppy now-lesbian sister Diane in tow, and a "surprise" appearance by Janine Butcher -- who appears to have landed on her feet, judging by the flash car she's driving. I reckon the motor was paid for by cash actress Charlie Brooks' earned from her fitness video. See, it's only after actors leave EastEnders that they get in shape. Just look at once-porky Natalie Cassidy. She's now not-as-porky. I bet Pam St. Clement is counting down the days to retirement.
As emotional funeral episodes go, it was a big let-down. It just doesn't work trying to make viewers teary-eyed about the death of a character who hasn't been on the show for years. No matter how beloved they were. Imagine Coronation Street doing a funeral episode for long-absent Mavis? Who cares! Now, I loved Mike Reid's comic touch with Frank Butcher, but the sadness over Reid's real death seems like a long time ago now – and since the only obvious difference between Mike Reid and Frank Butcher was a hat, audiences have already grieved for the loss of Frank/Mike.
None of it worked for me, even with the sepia reminders of Frank's cheeky, lovable nature. And anyway, it all played like a convenient way to tie-up Mike Reid's absence while reintroducing Ricky and Bianca. But I don't want them back. I don't mind cretin Ricky too much (he just belongs in the Arches looking nonplussed), but Bianca was a hideously screechy creation I longed to see vanish from our screens...
And now she's back. The BBC adverts, based around her "catchphrase" of "RICCKAAAAY!" were amusing – but they sum up her character: very irritating. Only now, the woman who thinks a silver puff jacket over a pink tracksuit is a good look, has a gaggle of tearaway kids to shout at, too. Oh, joy.
EastEnders has every right to remember its classic characters with fondness and respect, but bringing them back rarely works. Just look at Dirty Den. Oh, and they should have played this as Frank's coffin was carried into the church.
1 April 2008
BBC1, 7.30 pm
