After hearing the views and opinions of three of his most trusted employees, Sir Alan calls the remaining five candidates into the boardroom: Lohit, Katie, Kristina, Simon and Tre...
Sir Alan: Welcome. Long day?
Affirmative murmurs saying "not really"...
Sir Alan: Today, each of you were interviewed by three of my top employees, personal friends and bowling partners. Using their expertise, I'm going to fire three of you, leaving two for the final. Got that?
Murmurs of "yes".
Sir Alan: Lohit. Nice guy. Bit of a tailor's dummy. You've been in a lot of winning teams, but they were carrying you, weren't they?
Lohit: I don't believe that, Sir Alan. In all of the tasks I performed to the best of my ability and, I think, was instrumental in winning each. I'd go as far to say we always won because of my tireless phone-calling.
Sir Alan: Blah, blah, bleedin' blah. Come off it! I can't even remember a single thing you've even done! Tre, what's his name?
Tre: Uhh, he's Lon... Lint.. Loohl...
Sir Alan: See? People don't even know your name! Lohit, I'll make this quick to put you out of your misery--
Lohit: I'm not miserable.
Sir Alan: You will be in a second, mate. With regret, and all that bullshit, you're fired.
Lohit nods, gets up and miserably traipses out of the board room.
Sir Alan: Tre, back with you. I just don't know why you want to work for me. You being a globe-trotting world business entrepreneur.
Tre: Well, I've reached the end of what I can achieve in that area. I want to work for you, whoever you are, doing... y'know, whatever Amistad does.
Sir Alan: Amstrad.
Tre: I thought it was Amistad.
Simon: Wanker...
Tre: Hey, it's an easy mistake to make!
Simon: Amistad's a film about slavery!
Sir Alan: Slavery is involved here, it has to be said. You can't see, but both Margaret and Nick are chained at the ankles. They only get let out for a few months each year to shadow you guys.
Tre: I am the best, Sir Alan. I'm a winner. The next apprentice. I've won seven out of ten tasks. I've worked abroad!
Sir Alan: No, no, you've visited your cousins and uncles overseas who are also part of your dad's business empire.
Tre chews his lip.
Sir Alan: Tre, well done for getting this far, but... you're fired.
Tre gets up and leaves. Sir Alan locks eyes with Katie, who immediately springs into a toothy grin and flutters her eyelashes.
Sir Alan: Katie. You made a big impression in all the interviews. My brown-nosers think you could run a company for me. But I'm not sure if you're just in this for yourself... y'know, "won the Apprentice, done that, I'll give it a few months, then I'm off". Plus you lives bloody miles away!
Katie: Hmm, yes, I can understand your concerns, Sir Alan. I can only say that I'm not here just for the sake of it.
Sir Alan: You already earn ninety grand a year! What do you need me for?
Katie: I don't think my current salary has anything to do with it. I want the best and sometimes you have to do difficult things, like this show, to achieve those aims.
Sir Alan: I'm not moving my businesses to your neck of the woods.
Katie: I'll move. I have no problem with that. I've moved to be on this show!
Sir Alan: But London's not your home, is it!
Katie: My mum and dad will move nearer. Bournemouth sounds good. I can commute. It'll be fine, trust me...
Katie glowers at Sir Alan. Sir Alan nearly sways hypnotically.
Sir Alan: Katie, I've given it a lot of thought and... you're in.
Katie shows no reaction.
Sir Alan: You're in the final.
Katie barely moves, head hung.
Sir Alan: Cheer up, love, it's not a bloody death sentence!
Katie manages a weak smile. Sir Alan turns to Simon and Kristina.
Sir Alan: Simon, I reckon you could have a job as my biographer, even if you don't win. You know all about the job being offered here -- unlike some people.
Sir Alan glances at Katie, who looks miffed.
Simon: You were my childhood hero, Sir Alan. Beating He-Man, Bagpuss, Optimus Prime and Garfield. Oh, and Mr Benn.
Sir Alan: Now, during the interviews my colleagues said that--
Sir Alan stops and turns to Katie, who has barely moved.
Sir Alan: Katie, if you don't mind me saying, you don't look like someone who's just been told they're in the final. Do you, uh, want to perhaps rethink things? I'd hate for you to take away an opportunity Simon and Kristina desperately want.
Simon and Kristina cross their fingers...
Katie: I'm... you're right... maybe it's not fair. I can't be sure about the Bournemouth thing. I've heard commoners live there. I just need a few seconds.
They wait. A few seconds later...
Katie: Right. Well, as much as I want the job, the hundred grand, the executive lifestyle and its trappings... I'm not 100% sold on location. Maybe I should have thought about something as obvious as "can I actually get to the job I'm applying for" twelve weeks ago...
Everyone gives a "no shit" look.
Katie: So I suggest I stand down.
Katie gets up and leaves. Sir Alan sighs, focusing on Simon and Kristina.
Sir Alan: Right, well... luckily for you two... you're both in the final now. But, just so you know... I was going to fire SImon. So think on.
Simon looks stunned.
Sir Alan: Just a joke. Well done. Back to the house and I'll tell you what the final task is in a few days.
Simon and Kristina hug and leave together.
Sir Alan: Well, that was a turn up for the books.
Nick: Katie's a gameplayer, that's all she is. Oh, and she looks like a Toby Jug.
Sir Alan nods, sagely...
Margaret: Can I take these ankle cuffs off now, please? They're beginning to chafe.
