Sir Alan waits for Tre, Simon and Naomi to arrive in the board room (although Sir Alan waits for no man/woman, in reality. Of course.)
Sir Alan: Right, then. This week I send you to Peterborough to appear on a shopping channel, buying and selling products live on-air. Now, you lost the task, only managing a pathetic nine-hundred quid! Simon, you were the project manager, explain yourself.
Simon: I'm not good on TV.
Sir Alan: Tell me about it! I've been watching the repeats on Sky+!
Simon: I tried my best, but Tre and Naomi weren't very supportive.
Naomi: We did support you.
Simon: No, no, you ridiculed the wheelchair.
Sir Alan: Well, who would want a bloody wheelchair!
Simon: The disabled.
Sir Alan goes quiet.
Simon: I mean, I did my best with the trampoline.
Sir Alan smirks. Tre stifles a snigger. Naomi bites her lip.
Simon: I did star-jumps and everything.
Sir Alan tries to contain himself...
Simon: What's so funny?
Sir Alan: You looked like a dickhead! What were you doing? It looked like you were having one off the wrist when you skrewed the trampoline legs in! Margaret went even redder than usual!
Simon: It just needed a professional keep-fitter to demonstrate it. I did say this to Tre and Naomi.
Naomi: Maybe the wheelchair needed a professional disabled person to demo it.
Sir Alan: Naomi, what about your product -- those paper things.
Naomi: Decoupage.
Sir Alan: Eh?
Naomi: Decoupage.
Sir Alan: Hm?
Naomi: De-cou-page.
Sir Alan: Wha-?
Naomi: Bits of paper you layer ontop of each other to make pictures.
Sir Alan: Hmm, right. I mean, what were you thinking, woman?! I mean, these choices were the biggest load of toot I've ever seen!
Tre: Sir Alan, I did what I could with the hair remover, but I'm not a TV presenter.
Sir Alan: This task wasn't about being on TV. You're not here to be TV stars.
Simon gives a quizzical look.
Sir Alan: It was all about choosing and selling products. But I've got no idea where your brains were at! Naomi, you weren't as bad as these two numpties, so why weren't you the solo presenter?
Naomi: You'll have to ask our leader Simon.
Sir Alan: I will. And my name's not Simon.
Simon: Ummm, well... did you see me behind-the-scenes in the gallery? I'll say no more. I did less damage on live national television, bringing laughter to millions.
Sir Alan: You certainly did that! But where was the integrity and dignity! It was a total shambles. I felt embarassed for you all! The channel got e-mails from people!
Sir Alan lifts up a sheet of paper, reading...
Sir Alan: P. Doff from Cambridge said: "Get these morons off my telly". N. Consolable from Tunbridge Wells wrote: "Where are the normal presenters. I'm scared." Gareth Turner in human resources said: "Why the hell did you hire Michelle Dewberry, she's a bi--" Oh, that's got mixed up in the wrong pile. But you get the idea!
Simon: I've been hard done by. I did my best, Sir Alan. I hate to point fingers, but--
Simon points at Tre and Naomi.
Simon: It was their fault.
Sir Alan: No support, you reckon?
Simon: Exactly.
Sir Alan: Tre, what are your thoughts?
Tre: What can I say? I am the best. I was crapping myself the night before the task, but I got on with it and did the best I could. In retrospect, maybe we should have gone for the Gorilla Glue.
Sir Alan: Hmm. Y'know, it's getting to that stage when I need to start thinking "who can become the apprentice?" Tre, something tells me you'd be a bloody nightmare in an office. Simon, you're a bit of a kid, but you have some okay ideas. Margaret likes you too.
Simon glances at Margaret, who winks and gives him a silent air-kiss.
Sir Alan: Naomi. Ultimately, it was bad products that ruined this task for you all and you chose some real stinkers.
Sir Alan sits back to think.
Sir Alan: Tre, you're fff--ortunate to be here at this late stage.
Tre nearly has a heart attack.
Sir Alan: So I'm sorry, Naomi, but I think you messed up here. And, without getting personal, you're neck's just too long and sometimes freaks me out. But I like your skirts. So, you're fired.
Naomi gets up and goes in a split second.
Sir Alan: Now, you two. Lucky escape. And don't think that just because you've seen me laugh I'm a nice guy really. I'm not. I'm a shrewd, take-no-shit businessman. Remember that. Oh, and when can I expect that wheelchair to be delivered?
