ITV1, 16 July 2007, 9.00 pmUnless you've been hiding under a rock, or glued to the Big Brother 8 live feed, you'll know that Spice Girl Victoria Beckham and footballer David Beckham are moving to Los Angeles.
While moving house is generally considered one of the most stressful experiences of modern life, where the most enjoyable aspect is popping bubble wrap, things are different when you're an ex-Spice Girl married to a man who earns nearly £200,000 a week.
If you're the former (er, current) Posh Spice, your families' exodus to the USA is an exercise in self-publicity. Victoria Beckham: Coming To America was meant to be a continuing reality TV series, but it's been cut-down into a few fy-on-the-wall "specials" (mercifully). The first of which screened last night on ITV1...
Unfortunately, this documentary didn't lift the lid on Posh n' Becks in any significant way. David Beckham and their children were absent, meaning Victoria was free to hog the limelight and present a fantasy-version of her life for fans to lap up... and non-fans to choke on.
I hope Big Brother's Channelle had a friend record it, because only people like her could squeeze genuine enjoyment out of this glossy claptrap.
Coming To America essentially involved Victoria stumbling from one pre-arranged "comedy happening" to the next. She "charmed" a fat internet gossip columnist, after he'd criticized her on his website. She viewed various luxury homes (settling on Lionel Richie's former pad). She cooked a pie for elderly neighbours, one of whom could make the sound of an alarm vocally. She learned about earthquake survival (duck, cover and hold). She applied for her US driver's license. And... er, kids taught her how to throw a ball!
A disclaimer said: "some event have been staged for dramatic effect". It was difficult to say what wasn't staged, really. I half-suspect the Beckham's entire move to L.A might be included in the show's deception.
Victoria Beckham isn't a terrible person, but it was a little sad to see her acting dumb(er) to appeal to US audiences. I'm not saying she was ever going to get into Mensa, but she seems to have lost some braincells in the plane journey from Madrid. It's sad that to become popular, you think you have to become thick.
So she spent half her time squeaking that everything was "fabulous", "fierce" of "major" . Every... five... seconds. Seriously, I lost count how "major" everything was after the first 10 minutes. It was clearly a calculated attempt to develop a catchphrase, anyway...
You know how irritating Paris Hilton is? Have you ever seen Paris in her own reality mess The Simple Life? That's what Coming To America mostly resembled: a bimbo, with more money than sense, trotting through life, facing organized chaos for the comedic value of a preplanned adlib and flick of the hair.
It finally lost whatever remnant of credibility it had when Posh tricked the paparazzi by sending them on a wild goose chase. Her masterplan: buy a blow-up doll from a sex shop, dress it in designer gear and send it around town in the back of a car. They fell for it; hook, line and sinker. Yeah, right. The cheque's in the post, guys.
Okay, so if everything was staged and directed with an eye on Paris Hilton's market -- did it succeed? Well, the problem is that America already has a Paris Hilton. It certainly doesn't need another...
If Vicks had bothered to give audiences something fresh -- perhaps by showing a maternal side, getting her kids involved, being intelligent instead of cute/dumb, and presenting herself as a hard-working role model... she may have had more success. She certainly has more grounding and claim-to-fame than heiress Hilton. If it failed, atleast she'd have kept some credibility.
There wasn't even any controversial moments to savour. Posh doesn't want to alienate herself by bad-mouthing celebs, so only Eddie Murphy came in for some stick (as he's the alleged love-rat of bandmate Mel B). Posh summoned all her vitriol to call him "Beverly Hills C***". Bizarrely, her mouth was pixellated, but the word "cock" was clearly heard. I'm guessing "cock" was a c-word Americans could cope with.
Posh says she doesn't want anything to do with Eddie Murphy, so I'm guessing David and the kids' trip to the cinema wasn't to watch Shrek The Third! Mind you, I don't know how seriously to take Posh's principled stand against Murphy on this evidence... as she's named her show after one of his biggest movies!
