Are you enjoy this? It's so unoriginal and tiresome, it's actually quite extraordinary. It's firmly in the Sharon Osbourne Show pantheon of bad TV.
You can almost imagine the meetings months before this travesty aired...
Cue: Wayne's World diddly-dum-diddly-dum...
INT. ITV MEETING ROOM - DAY
A LACKEY squirms in his seat as his BOSS reclines in a big leather seat...
Boss: Okay, let's do our own Paul O'Grady Show. Obviously it won't be as good as O'Grady, which is why it'll be on during Richard & Judy. It gives viewers a choice of two formats: light-hearted fun and chat with us, or... the book club and... whatever else Richard and Judy do these days.
Lackey: Are you sure, sir? Richard & Judy are an established Channel 4 brand now.
Boss: Nonsense! Judy can hardly string a coherent sentence together these days! They were much better on ITV back in the day. Besides, people watched for You Say We Pay, so we'll be okay now. Cloning O'Grady will knock spots of 'em!
Lackey: Excellent, sir! Only, it'll have to be without dogs and kids, because we don't want to get sued.
Boss: Oh, yes, yes. You handle the small details. Now, who can present it...?
Lackey: Erm, how about Antony Cotton?
Boss: Dot's junkie son in EastEnders?
Lackey: No, the gay one in Coronation Street, with the thinning hair.
Boss: Does he have any presenting experience?
Lackey: No.
Boss: Does he come from a comedy, musical or theatrical background? Butlins Redcoat, anything like that?
Lackey: Ummm, don't think so. He's an actor. He was in Queer As Folk.
Boss: Queer As Folk? Is he gay then?
Lackey: Oh, yes.
Boss: Perfect! Gay men are bred for light entertainment, just look at Larry Greyson, Graham Norton and Vernon Kaye.
Lackey: Vernon's straight. He's married to Tess Daley.
Boss: (laughs) Good one. Anyway, this Cotton bloke: definitely gay?
Lackey: Absolutely. He's the token camp one in Corrie. He won Soapstar Superstar too.
Boss: Ooh, great! That means we can say he's multi-talented! We can even get him to sing on the show... you know, as a hook to catch the idiots who voted for him.
Lackey: Incidentally, sir, I've finished refunding all the Superstar voters, after we spent their ill-gotten money on Primeval's effects budget. Oh, actually, I have the dinosaur glove puppets for the next series if you're--
Boss: I'll look later! Right, this is shaping up nicely. Having a gay man as a host cuts down 90% of the joke writing. If things get too boring, he can just throw in a few double-entendres. You know, "back passages", "big ones", "juicy plums". Cheap laughs like that. Julian Clary swears by it.
Lackey: No problem, sir. Oh, ummm.... what about actual guests?
Boss: Simple! Draw up a list of every ITV show on that same week, then book whoever stars in them.
Lackey: But, we don't actually have any decent shows on at the moment. Not until Harry Hill comes back, anyway.
Boss: Okay... people from old ITV shows then.
Lackey: Ahh, brilliant! I'll contact the cast of TV-AM right away. Not sure we'll get Roland Rat, though -- he's out of our price range. But Rustie Lee and Lizzie will bite my hand off! Anthony's friends from Corrie will come on, obviously... maybe even a few from Heartbeat, to keep the old dears happy. Oh, what happens when Paul O' Grady comes back from holiday?
Boss: Do I have to think of everything? Usual drill: just stick Midsomer Murders on.
The sad thing is... Antony Cotton's beating R&J in the ratings! Is he really that good... or are R&J really that bad now?
