Lock the door... take the phone off the hook... put the cat out... disconnect the internet... reschedule that visit to your dying mum's bedside... because The X Factor is back! The countdown to Christmas (Xmas?) has officially begun...
It's the world's most protracted reality TV show; giving a voice to the great and ghastly of fame-hungry Brits. Enjoy it while it lasts, because things get progressively average and sterile, until the sexiest finalist inevitably bags the mum/gay/girl vote in December and walks away with a Christmas Number One.
You should always keep an eye on the losers, really. Brit award-winner Lemar and hit factory Girls Aloud were all talent show flops. Even operatic X Factor losers G4 successfully released Christmas and Mother's Day albums for a few years, before breaking up recently.
The huge expectation of being the winner is sidestepped if you come in a respectable second, third of fourth. Unless your name's Ray Quinn. Past winners like X Factor's Steve Brookstein and Shane Ward just seemed to crumble in the public limelight. Mind you, Ward's main failing has been a lack of public glare! Where is he? Apparently an album is on the way very soon... but it's 24 months late, mate!
Leona Lewis, last year's winner and the most amazing singer any talent show in the world has unearthed thus far, could also find herself on the scrapheap. Despite out-Whitney'ing Whitney every week last year, she hasn't released her first album yet! It's due in November, nearly a year since after she won. By that time, the nation will be slavishly devoted to X Factor 4's Battle Of The Blands, and only Leona's die-hard supporters will even think to buy it. Or blokes stuck for Christmas present inspiration...
Anyway, the pro's and con's of The X Factor are dredged up every year, so I'll try to stop rambling on about it. I actually really enjoy the show in its early audition stages (yes, okay, I like laughing at bad singers, I'll admit it), but I get irritated by the whole process once it's winter and the damn thing is still shuffling along every Saturday. In January they should sell "I Survived The X Factor" T-shirts!
Saturday's premiere involved the much-publicized changes to the format, which had begun to grow noticeably stale last year. So, we now have the age limit reduced to 14, which will likely infuriate 13-year-olds. But don't worry -- in 5 years time, Simon Cowell will have microphones pressed up to pregnant stomachs in his unquenchable search for a star.
The main changes are the booting out of grinning presenter Kate Thornton and the hiring of affable Dermot O'Leary from Big Brother's Little Brother. Most controversially, out went Irish judge Louis Walsh and in comes Australian judge Dannii Minogue and Brian "The American One" Friedman. But then, out goes "The American One" and back comes Louis... because "the chemistry wasn't right". Maybe the producers should have considered why they hired an American choreographer to judge singing? Anyway, he's now a "creative director" on the show, which presumably means he'll be teaching the finalists how to walk around a stage, sit at a piano and get up from a stool without falling over.
Sharon Osbourne still remains, clucking over the boys like a red-haired hen. I'm guessing even Simon wouldn't fire her over a phone from L.A, at the risk of having his eardrums pierced by her trans-Atlantic banshee scream. Sharon's a curious celebrity; a woman whose only notable musical success has been to stay married to old rocker Ozzie. She couldn't even handle a light tea-time ITV chat show. As a judge of talent, what are her credentials? As far as I can see, she just has her opinion. Well, whoopee, we all have a damn opinion!
The bedrock of the show is always Simon Cowell, another man of scabrous musical history prior to judging talent shows. But, to give the Buzz Lightyear lookalike his due, he's the best judge on TV (just pipping Judge Judy.) It's just a shame his mantra is "to obscurity, and beyond!" when it comes to his winners...
You see, Simon's after-show care is what I worry about. Seriously, I'm up all night worrying, because God help you if you have Simon looking after your interests! Does he give a stuff it's taken Leona Lewis over a year to warble into a microphone? Nahhh, don't be daft! He has Idol, X Factor and Britain's Got Talent to be getting on with. He's a busy jet-setter. He doesn't have time to develop and sustain existing talent... he's always looking for The Next Big Thing, because that's how his genius* works. He's a talent bloodhound. This is the guy who helped give the world Gareth Gates, Michelle McManus and the half-dozen American Idols nobody's heard.
Dannii Minogue survived the cull, to become the X Factor's fourth judge. According to Dermot, she's "a popstar who's been there and done it." It's just a shame nobody took much notice while she was doing it, eh? As far as I could see, she was just as useless as "The American One" at judging... only with bigger breasts. I guess the heterosexual demographic need some eye candy if we're to be denied Kate Thornton this year. And the homosexual demographic can idolize her too -- as it's in the Minogue sister's genetic makeup.
It may have been because of the careful editing, whereby "The American One" went from ineffectual nice-guy to idiot Yank in just 5 minutes, but Louis Walsh's return did come as a relief. I like Louis, particularly in the audition rounds, where he genuinely seems interested and excited about the process. It's a shame he becomes a stuck record during the live shows, and seems to instigate many of those mundanely rehearsed "arguments" and "water fights" with Simon, though...
Strangely, nobody mentioned the inherent problem with having four judges either: split decisions. Maybe that's why a number of no-hopers were inexplicably put through to Boot Camp (the crazy 79-year-old who plays musical instruments through her nose, and the primary school teacher who was spared having to tell her entire assembly of pupils that she'd died on her arse.)
As first episodes go, it was a worrying debut. The focus was on The Judges, whereas it should always be on the contestants. Dermot O'Leary was also left on the sidelines, despite being someone who quite clearly works best in full control of events. He may come into his own during the Live Show phases.The talent(less) assembled were also pretty mundane by past standards. The good weren't that great and the bad weren't that funny. Only the first contestant raised a few giggles, as she sang Never Walk Alone at a snail's pace and higher than Simon's trouser belt.
In trying to revamp themselves, The X Factor seems to have just pointlessly tinkered with the engine: resulting in Dermot and Dannii. And I don't think either will rescue the show from being another increasingly pointless exercise in audience exploitation.
There will be some comedy gold along the way, I'm sure. The eccentric and bewildered British public will make sure of that. We may even get a winner of Leona Lewis' caliber as an early Christmas present. But... I doubt we'll get what The X Factor always says it's searching for: a genuinely talented singer, with star quality, who will set the world on fire (without having to wait a year for the chance, preferably...)
* Copyright Star Stories.
