Week 33. Uh, I mean 3.
We're just half-way through the audition round... and Dannii is still trying to fake enthusiasm for the auditions, as her cheekbones remain the most impressive thing about her; Louis is his usual perkily predictable self; Sharon looks utterly bored by everything (probably because she knows it's all a pointless exercise in ruining the UK Christmas Number One tradition), and Simon remains on autopilot, throwing out quips and put-downs that have hardly changed since the days of Pop Idol...
The X Factor's search for someone to exploit continued in Glasgow, where Simon upset fans of last year's McDonald Brothers -- who consist of the McDonald family, I think. But even Mr Nasty couldn't bring himself to snipe at a "cute" Japanese "girl", 31-year-old Tatosho, who gave a quiet rendition of Sinatra's My Way, before being patronized to within an inch of her life by the judges.
It was then on to Birmingham, a city that seemed to have some talent to share -- such as sexy girl group Fallen Angels -- although a few barmy brummies turned up like bad smells. Most memorable was a combo of siblings-husbands-and-wives called It's About Time, with one member admitting their dream is for their mum to live next door to Wet Wet Wet's Marti Pellow. Of course, their lackluster performance was drubbed by Simon for being "carol singer" standard, before the mother broke down into tears...
A few moments of emotional blackmail ensued, which worked a treat on Louis, but forced Dannii to make her first big decision on the show. Well, it was about time she did something. Anyway, she showed them the door, and the teary-eyed mum cried on Dermot's shoulder, utterly baffled that Simon hadn't told "the truth".
And somewhere in the UK, Marti Pellow let out a sigh of relief...
But where was Sharon Osbourne in all of this, I hear you cry? Like Louis, she's just as easily swayed by a good sob story, so her valuable vote could have rescued It's About Time! Well, she'd flown back to Los Angeles because of "work commitments". So what's X Factor then, Shazza -- a hobbie?
The frustrating thing about X Factor now is how utterly predictable it's become. This could be a repeat of an episode from last year. Or 2005, for that matter! Only Dannii's presence and Sharon's expanding jaw-line dates it to 2007!
The editing and the music choices to highlight the emotional highs and lows is also as formulaic as ever. So whenever Jo from S Club 7 belts out "never had a dream come true", it's clear someone has been put through to Boot Camp.
You could actually save yourself a lot of time by waiting till Sunday and then downloading all the best bits off Youtube. It turns a hour-long slog of bitching and adverts into a decent 12 minutes of entertainment. Try it!
