"I'll give you the hundred grand you're after; for 40% equity... and your firstborn son..."
It seems like Dragons' Den has been around forever, but I've yet to see something in the shops I recognize from the show! Of course, there have been successes (Reggae Reggae Sauce, anyone?), but it's clear that Dragons' Den isn't going to unearth a life-changing invention. Well, unless you've always hankered for a pair of transparent wellies...
But the five Dragons are back: grouchy, incomprehensible Duncan Bannatyne; foppish, pun-loving Peter Jones; cheeky, wry-smiling Theo Paphitis; stern, school mistress Deborah Meaden; and new millionaire James Caan, a bloke who changed his name from Khan -- so as not be confused with Genghis, presumably -- but who had obviously never seen Misery...
Speaking of misery (ooh, seamless), that's exactly what's in store for most of the "entrepreneurs"/chancers who step into "The Den", as host Evan Davies likes to describe an empty warehouse. I always thought it was lions that lived in dens, anyway...
Anyway, the first bloke to enter their lair was David Beckham. God, things must be going badly in America, if he's been reduced to -- ah, wait -- it's just a lookalike called Andy. You can always guarantee the first person to enter the den will stumble, sweat and generally balls-up their pitch, and so it proved to be. Andy ("I can't talk") was essentially trying to launch a lookalikes agency called Double Dates, with the assistance of "Will Smith" and "Johnny Depp".
The Dragons were divided over the profitability of such a venture, particularly when Will Smith admitted he'd break Andy's "exclusive contract" for £250 cash-in-hand on a Friday night. Next!
I prefer the inventions over event/activity ideas, so a festival called Beach Break Live in the West Country didn't really appeal to me. The founders, Celia and Ian, were after £50,000, but they annoyed James Caan with misleading sales for the previous year (2000 people attended, but only half actually paid an entry fee.) Let that be a lesson; never try and pull the wool over a Dragons' eyes!
Hilariously bad inventions were thin on the ground, sadly... but we did see some "thigh-dries" and a bloke who's covered gym balls in furry carpet (voila, "Furryballs!") Particularly amusing were two geeks trying to sell their "Dates With Mates" service, where you beat social embarassment by going on dates with a friend tagging along. Hmmm. Oh well, it was worth it it for Peter Jones' reposte: "I don't struggle to get dates, because I'm seriously good-looking and wealthy". And modest -- eh, Pete?
Uh-oh. Evan Davies has sprung up like a suited Gollum, to remind viewers that pitchers can't bring notes in with them, so have to remember all their facts and figures. You can guess what happens next...
An overweight, pale couple with luminous pink hair waddle upstairs and try to flog jerky snacks. They're not sure about any finances (or personal hygiene, by the look of them), so call on their advocate John. Bearded numbers-man John promptly arrives and begins fudging his figures. Dragon Caan smells bullshit. Their image doesn't inspire confidence in anyone, so the jerky-peddlers are shown the door. Well, the stairs.
The last person to enter the den was a young black guy called Laban Roomes -- who wants to franchise his company Midas Touch. It helps he has a silly name, as Levi Roots can attest last year. But Laban didn't have to rely on a Levi-style guitar solo, because his gizmo turns base metal into gold.... ooooh....
Ahem. Well, no. It actually gold-plates things -- like mobile phone covers and car badges. But that's still pretty good, isn't it? The Dragons are impressed anyway, and newbie James Caan eventually gives him £60,000 for 40% of the business. Result!
Overall, it's business as usual. There's a lovely balance of humour and tension in Dragons' Den, but this episode wasn't brilliant. The ideas being pitched were either already around (lookalikes agency/music festival), boring (snacks) or a bit mundane (gold-plating machine).
For best results, you need extremes on Dragons' Den -- but episode 1 of this fifth series was firmly stuck in neutral. And where were Peter Jones' groan-worthy puns? I feel cheated. I also slightly miss axed Richard Farley (he made his fortune in rusks?), because he was the nice-guy antidote to milk-curdlers like Deborah Meaden.
15 October 2007
BBC2, 9.00 pm
