10. Expense
A trip to the cinema is expensive these days! A standard adult ticket at my local ODEON is about £7, while a bag of pick n' mix sweets (that weighs less than half a bag of sugar) comes in around £5! I know that the actual cinema don't make much money from each ticket sold (it mostly goes to the studio/distributor), which explains why they try and sting you on the snacks, but still... it's cheaper to buy a DVD, if you can wait a few months.
Fortunately, quite a few cinemas have "cheap days" and Orange mobile customers can take advantage of the 2-for-1 Orange Wednesdays -- where you text for a special code, costing 35p, and it acts as a ticket in participating cinemas. But, even with these cost-cutting schemes, cinema-going is still expensive enough to make you think twice about seeing stuff on the big-screen...
9. Noisy snacks
The cinema chains know to sell mostly quiet pick n' mix sweets, so it's not as bad these days, but there will always be people who like to slurp water from their Pepsi's ice cubes, or have taken their own packet of noisy éclairs in with them. It's even worse when the offending eater is trying to be "quiet" by opening them in short rustling bursts...
8. Adverts
As a preamble before the main event, I have nothing against them. Some adverts are very cinematic and serve as a good appetizer, while I confess to really enjoying those funny Orange Film ones. But, have you ever been in a screening where you're still watching a Smirnoff commercial 20 minutes after you sat down? Gah!
7. Toilet-goers
Nature calls to us all. The annoying thing about this irritation is that... everyone's been guilty of it at some point! Fortunately, sensible people tend to go during the quiet moments in a film, but there's nothing more annoying than when the weak-bladdered force a whole row to stand up during a climactic battle scene...
6. Talking
The classic case of chattering dickheads, lost in their own "private" conversation everyone can hear. Try as you might to concentrate on the film, your attention is naturally drawn away by them. Don't they want to watch the film either?! Stay at home if you want to talk! Things sometimes get worse if you politely shush them and they take umbrage with you...
5. Back row louts
Thankfully, these guys tend to only show up at unsocial screening times, or in a local fleapit – but they are undoubtedly the bane of all cinemagoers. General loutish behaviour classically involves making dumb remarks before and during the film, kicking the back of your chair, making fun at you in some way, or throwing sweets at people and giggling...
The only answer is to (a) ask management to expel them, (b) leave and ask for refund before the film starts, or (c) turn around and punch the fuckers! They're usually teenagers, so you stand a good chance of winning any ensuing fight...
4. Uncomfortable seats
These days it's better, but you still sometimes find that standard seats aren't suited to anyone but midgets and always lead to "numb-bum syndrome". Yes, you can shell out more for a big luxury seat, but aren't tickets too expensive already? I think we're entitled to decent seats at £7 a ticket... preferably lazyboys!
3. Projector foul-ups
Thankfully a rarity, but nothing spoils a film more than an equipment malfunction of some kind. Garbled music, juddering celluloid, reels being incorrectly ordered (so the narrative leaps forward by 30 minutes), all are unforgivable.
I once saw Star Wars Episode III and the music began to squeal and playback became erratic after 15 minutes. The manager gave everyone a free ticket and the film was fixed after a short delay, but it definitely impacted the filmgoing experience. Feel free to make a wise-crack about how the film was probably improved by turning it off...
2. Crying children
Easily avoided if you don't attend kid's films, but it's always bad news if some mother has a tot clamped to her chest during Shrek. Every baby has lungs that can put the loudest Dolby Digital sound system to shame! There actually needs to be a minimum age limit in cinemas, don't you think?
1. Bad positioning
This happens a lot! Many cinemas don't let you sit where you want – so you have to book your seat. Usually, a preference for "middle/middle" is crowded out, forcing you to take a seat at the front -- where you spend the film with your neck on the top of your backrest, arse on the edge of your seat, trying to widen your eyes to avoid motion sickness...
If you're in a Michael Bay or Tony Scott movie – just don't bother! You'll be a jabbering wreck with back problems after 5 minutes...
