"I've actually found something, after
33 years, that makes me feel like a dick."
33 years, that makes me feel like a dick."
The second episode of Justin Lee Collins' Convention Crasher sees the Bristol-born comedian tackling ventriloquism. He has 4 weeks to find a puppet, practice talking without moving his lips, and craft a comedy routine... before attending (okay, "crashing") the world's biggest ventriloquism convention in Kentucky, USA. Well, they say it's the biggest -- but I half suspect they count the puppets, too!
First stop was Norfolk, to get some advice form Keith Harris and Orville -- the once mega-famous star(s) of British TV, who now make a decent living touring holiday resorts. Their act was very similar to its 80s peak, although Cuddles The Monkey never urinated on kids in my day! Green duck Orville was his usual endearing self, still working his chirpy magic on a little girl, which was quite touching to see...
And there still is something magical about a good "vent act". Even as a cynical adult, you can believe inanimate puppets are living creatures -- in the hands of a decent performer, of course. In one uncomfortable scene, Justin was given the opportunity to work Orville himself... and seeing the little duck reduced to staccato head twists and a gabbing beak was like seeing Orville with a mental illness. Very sad.
After some training exercises from expert Len Belmont, to help him enunciate words without moving his lips, Justin decided to get a more youthful viewpoint on things. So it was off to comedy club Jongleurs to see Paul Zerdin – a contemporary vent act with a more modern line in stand-up comedy...
Zerdin kindly gave Justin the choice of one of his old puppets (Justin chose an old man he later named Ernest), and his scriptwriter Martin prepared a 6-minute routine for him... although Justin wasn't too happy with the skill required to pull off Martin's act.
Keith Harris wasn't overly impressed when Justin gave him a preview of the act he was going to take to the States, but was too kind to really lay into him and destroy what little confidence he had built.
Fort Mitchell, Kentucky, USA. The Drawbridge Inn to be precise; a mock tudor hotel full to bursting with people carrying snakes, cowboys, talking cacti, ostriches, bears, sheep and cats. Of the foam doll variety. A veritable throng of talented and deluded people.
Justin starts mingling with them all, meeting some of the convention's stranger people, and drunkenly flirting with puppets...
We meet Mark and his alligator Igor (more on him later) and Wilma, a hermaphrodite who's her own "double-act", even without gangly ostrich Sally Twinkletoes. More worryingly, Wilma/William had put eyelids on her car and equipped it with a P.A system, so her vehicle can "talk" to passers-by. O-kay. Justin seemed to like her, though. He hanged out with her throughout the episode, although you suspect this was a decision by the production team to elicit some Louis Theroux-esque shenanigans.
The open mic sessions are what Justin's here for. A chance to play to a crowd of likeminded ventriloquists, whilst being judged by experts on a "critic's table". There's even a talent scout in the room. The children's session starts first, and Justin is impressed by the high quality of the acts -- particularly Jamie Gooch and Puppy-Chow, a boy from West Virginia who can say "Peter Piper pecked a pick of pickled peppers" with no lip movement.
It's finally time for the adult open mic. Justin is nervous, has grown to hate his puppet Ernest, has no faith in his comedy act, and can't develop a relationship with a lump of foam...
But it's doubtful he'll be the worst vent act there – as Mark dies horribly on-stage. A series of bad jokes with Igor the alligator has him scrambling to win back the crowd, but his act just gets weirder by the second. He's soon talking to a "one-eyed snake" and a creature trapped inside a beer bottle! You get 6 minutes on-stage. Mark's been on for over 10, and shows no sign of stopping. An event organizer is forced to hold up a card, reading: "PLEASE STOP".
Eventually, it's Justin's turn. His walks on-stage, pushing Ernest in a wheelchair, and decides to drop half his act and just wing it. Justin's likeability shines through and he has the audience rapt – despite spending the first few minutes sans puppet and devising jokey excuses to not do any ventriloquism!
Once he's forced to actually do some "venting", it all goes a bit shaky (and you can see his lips move most of the time), but his charm keeps everyone chuckling along. A slip-up with a misjudged swear word (uptight Americans don't like the word "shit", folks), sours the atmosphere slightly... so he quickly wraps it up and gets off to applause.
Afterwards, the critic's report comes through to his hotel room: "very funny old man voice"... "work on animation of puppet"... "swearing"... "funny and original material"... "lip-control needs work"... "at home on-stage"... even the talent scout likes it, and says he'd sign Justin up for paid work...
Justin isn't convinced; feeling he never connected with his puppet to make it truly come alive in his hands, while he threw out half his script and coasted along with a lot of improvisation. If anything, it just showed how a performer used to appearing in front of crowds can blag their way through most things...
In summation, I didn't enjoy this as much as last week's magic offering -- mainly because I got the impression Justin wasn't that interested in ventriloquism. He didn't master any aspect of the technique, even throwing out a lot of his script at the eleventh hour, so I was less impressed by his learning curve.
The episode was also too similar to episode 1's structure: UK-based training, chats with "faded stars", mingle at the convention itself, get to know the weirder people, see a great performance, wince at a bad performance, grow very nervous backstage, and then get through it with nervous energy and charisma. Rinse and repeat next week?
24 January 2008
Channel 4, 10.00 pm
