In a Commissioner's office, in deepest BBC Television Centre, sometime in 2007... a lackey has a proposal...
Commissioner: So what was this problem you wanted to discuss?
Lackey: It's about Lenny Henry, sir.
Commissioner: Who?
Lackey: The TISWAS guy?
A blank look.
Lackey: He co-founded Comic Relief. Wears those red suits?
Still blank.
Lackey: Um, he was the genie in Bernard And The Genie?
Commissioner: Sorry.
Lackey: He's married to Dawn French. The Vicar Of Dibley?
Commissioner: Not ringing any bells...
Lackey: Remember The Lenny Henry Show?
Commissioner: Oh, right! Yes! Lenny! I'm with you. What about him?
Lackey: Well, as you know, we're looking for a new project he can headline.
Commissioner: Hmmm. He's not very hip these days, is he? A bit 80s, if you ask me. I think it's time we put him out to pasture.
Lackey: Fire him?
Commissioner: Yeah, why not?
Lackey: He's still he only notable black face on the BBC, sir.
Commissioner: That can't be true.
Lackey: Can you think of anyone else?
A deep, thoughtful stare... then blank.
Commissioner: Okay, so what's next for Henry?
Lackey: Something late-night Mondays, I thought. Just after New Year, so nobody can be sure it wasn't something they hallucinated.
Commissioner: Ah, that old ploy. Okay, so what? Another sketch show?
Lackey: Oh, please God, no.
Commissioner: I told you before, I'm not God. But I am the BBC's Chief Commissioning Editor, so... easy mistake.
Lackey: I was thinking something hip and relevant to today's youth.
Commissioner: Binge-drinking With Lenny Henry?
Lackey: No. The internet. Youtube.
Commissioner: You-what?
Lackey: Those websites with funny clips and stuff. Lenny can present a televised version. Y'know, wacky-yet-real comedy – the kids love that stuff. Research shows Youtube is the place in cyberspace.
Commissioner: Cyber--? Look, what's the show about?
Lackey: It's cheap and easy to make. We just throw a load of funny clips at the screen, with Lenny introducing them, talking over them...
Commissioner: Like You've Been Framed?
Lackey: Sort of. But not home video clips, exclusively. User-made material from around the world. Honestly, teenagers spend hours glued to Youtube. Looking at our winter schedule, can you blame them?
Commissioner: Watching what online, exactly?
Lackey: Ummm, excluding porn? Er, hundreds of foreign prisoners dancing in unison to Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Commissioner: The royalty would be too expensive.
Lackey: Really violent car crashes. Sword accidents. Power tool mishaps.
Commissioner: Hmmm, not very funny.
Lackey: People lighting farts and putting menthos into coca-cola.
Commissioner: This is the BBC! No, no, no...
Lackey: Ummm...
Commissioner: Oh. Do they have bad singers in crap bands?
Lackey: Yes! Lots of them!
Commissioner: What about a cute dog running into a window?
Lackey: I'm sure we could find one.
Commissioner: People crashing caravans? Idiots swimming in bogs?
Lackey: Let me get a pen, sir!
Commissioner: I'm still not convinced it will sustain a full programme...
Lackey: It's only 30 minutes.
Commissioner: Even so...
Lackey: Well... I suppose we can ask Lenny to do a bit of stand-up. Perhaps. Just a bit. Once the audience are in, they can't escape.
Commissioner: But what if they don't laugh at him?
Lackey: We'll do what we always do: inter-cut shots of when they were laughing at the warm-up man. Or mix nitrous oxide into the studio ventilation -- Paul O'Grady let that one slip on a pub crawl.
Commissioner: Ah, yes, excellent. There are always a few freeloading simpletons willing to laugh at anything, anyway.
Lackey: Precisely.
Commissioner: You know what this idea reminds me of? That show with Chris Tarrant over on ITV.
Lackey: Chris Tarrant On TV.
Commissioner: Good God, man -- where have you been? He's on all the time? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. That new "pretending" gameshow nobody quite gets.
Lackey: No, that's the name of the show: Chris Tarrant On TV. I suppose it is similar, yes. He did foreign TV clips, though – which is, like, so last century. Remember those Japanese gameshows where they'd eat insects and have snakes tipped over their heads?
Commissioner: Cuh! Those crazy Japs! They call that entertainment?!
Lackey: Oh, that reminds me -- Christopher Biggins is outside for you.
Commissioner: Oh yes, show him.
Lackey: So I'll give Lenny a call, then? We really need to use him in 2008 – if only because it makes us look like a proper equal opportunities employer.
Commissioner: Between you and me: don't worry too much -- Alesha Dixon won Strictly.
Lackey: Well, we have to keep Lenny on-side. He has the ear of Dawn French... who knows Richard Curtis. Lose Lenny and the comedy backbone of Britain will slowly unravel.
Commissioner: We just need a snappy name.
Lackey: How about... Lenny Henry.TV?
Commissioner: Oh yes! I love the "dot TV" bit. That sounds so...
Lackey: "Down with the kids"?
Commissioner: Hey, you know the lingo? Oh, one last thing – how about a special guest to help keep things fresh?
Lackey: Okay, sure. Oh, I know. We'll get Lenny to, ahem, "phone a friend"...
Commissioner: Oooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
They both break into fits of laughter.
Commissioner: So what was this problem you wanted to discuss?
Lackey: It's about Lenny Henry, sir.
Commissioner: Who?
Lackey: The TISWAS guy?
A blank look.
Lackey: He co-founded Comic Relief. Wears those red suits?
Still blank.
Lackey: Um, he was the genie in Bernard And The Genie?
Commissioner: Sorry.
Lackey: He's married to Dawn French. The Vicar Of Dibley?
Commissioner: Not ringing any bells...
Lackey: Remember The Lenny Henry Show?
Commissioner: Oh, right! Yes! Lenny! I'm with you. What about him?
Lackey: Well, as you know, we're looking for a new project he can headline.
Commissioner: Hmmm. He's not very hip these days, is he? A bit 80s, if you ask me. I think it's time we put him out to pasture.
Lackey: Fire him?
Commissioner: Yeah, why not?
Lackey: He's still he only notable black face on the BBC, sir.
Commissioner: That can't be true.
Lackey: Can you think of anyone else?
A deep, thoughtful stare... then blank.
Commissioner: Okay, so what's next for Henry?
Lackey: Something late-night Mondays, I thought. Just after New Year, so nobody can be sure it wasn't something they hallucinated.
Commissioner: Ah, that old ploy. Okay, so what? Another sketch show?
Lackey: Oh, please God, no.
Commissioner: I told you before, I'm not God. But I am the BBC's Chief Commissioning Editor, so... easy mistake.
Lackey: I was thinking something hip and relevant to today's youth.
Commissioner: Binge-drinking With Lenny Henry?
Lackey: No. The internet. Youtube.
Commissioner: You-what?
Lackey: Those websites with funny clips and stuff. Lenny can present a televised version. Y'know, wacky-yet-real comedy – the kids love that stuff. Research shows Youtube is the place in cyberspace.
Commissioner: Cyber--? Look, what's the show about?
Lackey: It's cheap and easy to make. We just throw a load of funny clips at the screen, with Lenny introducing them, talking over them...
Commissioner: Like You've Been Framed?
Lackey: Sort of. But not home video clips, exclusively. User-made material from around the world. Honestly, teenagers spend hours glued to Youtube. Looking at our winter schedule, can you blame them?
Commissioner: Watching what online, exactly?
Lackey: Ummm, excluding porn? Er, hundreds of foreign prisoners dancing in unison to Michael Jackson's Thriller.
Commissioner: The royalty would be too expensive.
Lackey: Really violent car crashes. Sword accidents. Power tool mishaps.
Commissioner: Hmmm, not very funny.
Lackey: People lighting farts and putting menthos into coca-cola.
Commissioner: This is the BBC! No, no, no...
Lackey: Ummm...
Commissioner: Oh. Do they have bad singers in crap bands?
Lackey: Yes! Lots of them!
Commissioner: What about a cute dog running into a window?
Lackey: I'm sure we could find one.
Commissioner: People crashing caravans? Idiots swimming in bogs?
Lackey: Let me get a pen, sir!
Commissioner: I'm still not convinced it will sustain a full programme...
Lackey: It's only 30 minutes.
Commissioner: Even so...
Lackey: Well... I suppose we can ask Lenny to do a bit of stand-up. Perhaps. Just a bit. Once the audience are in, they can't escape.
Commissioner: But what if they don't laugh at him?
Lackey: We'll do what we always do: inter-cut shots of when they were laughing at the warm-up man. Or mix nitrous oxide into the studio ventilation -- Paul O'Grady let that one slip on a pub crawl.
Commissioner: Ah, yes, excellent. There are always a few freeloading simpletons willing to laugh at anything, anyway.
Lackey: Precisely.
Commissioner: You know what this idea reminds me of? That show with Chris Tarrant over on ITV.
Lackey: Chris Tarrant On TV.
Commissioner: Good God, man -- where have you been? He's on all the time? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. That new "pretending" gameshow nobody quite gets.
Lackey: No, that's the name of the show: Chris Tarrant On TV. I suppose it is similar, yes. He did foreign TV clips, though – which is, like, so last century. Remember those Japanese gameshows where they'd eat insects and have snakes tipped over their heads?
Commissioner: Cuh! Those crazy Japs! They call that entertainment?!
Lackey: Oh, that reminds me -- Christopher Biggins is outside for you.
Commissioner: Oh yes, show him.
Lackey: So I'll give Lenny a call, then? We really need to use him in 2008 – if only because it makes us look like a proper equal opportunities employer.
Commissioner: Between you and me: don't worry too much -- Alesha Dixon won Strictly.
Lackey: Well, we have to keep Lenny on-side. He has the ear of Dawn French... who knows Richard Curtis. Lose Lenny and the comedy backbone of Britain will slowly unravel.
Commissioner: We just need a snappy name.
Lackey: How about... Lenny Henry.TV?
Commissioner: Oh yes! I love the "dot TV" bit. That sounds so...
Lackey: "Down with the kids"?
Commissioner: Hey, you know the lingo? Oh, one last thing – how about a special guest to help keep things fresh?
Lackey: Okay, sure. Oh, I know. We'll get Lenny to, ahem, "phone a friend"...
Commissioner: Oooooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
They both break into fits of laughter.
