"I know this sounds really knobby; but it could be brilliant..."-- Hardeep Singh Kohli
Unquestionably the only "reality show" still with credibility, the quality of The Apprentice doesn't even drop when dealing with a "celebrity special". As a means to generate money for Sport Relief, Sir Alan Sugar assembled two celebrity teams in a battle-of-the-sexes challenge to create a "pop-up shop" and sell overpriced stock to the rich and famous...
The clueless boys were: Former-cricketer Phil Tufnell, TV presenter Nick Hancock, broadcaster Hardeep Singh Kohli, former-Sun editor Kelvin MacKenzie and wonky-mouthed politician Lembit Opik (team leader).
The enterprising girls were: sports presenter Clare Balding, TV presenter Kirstie Allsopp, (super?)model Lisa Snowdon, singer and footballer's wife Louise Redknapp and Ann Summers' CEO Jacqueline Gold (team leader).
It was immediately clear that girls were more efficient and competent at organizing themselves; quickly ordering stock, blagging freebies from celeb pals, and selling tickets to their shop's one-night only sale for ridiculous sums of money. Lovely Louise alone sold 1 ticket for £30 grand, and another 3 for a total of £100 grand!
The boys spent 45-minutes arguing over nothing in particular, with voted leader Hardeep throwing a tantrum over Kelvin MacKenzie likening him to "Hitler" -- so leadership was passed to the considerably less prickly but significantly more incompetent Lembit. They continued to argue for another 2 hours...
Harrods is always a good starting point for any Apprentice challenge, as Mohamed Al-Fayed's luxury department store gets features in pretty much every series. So, the girls swooped in, tutted at the outrageousness of a handbag made from a dead pony, before snapping up a lot of expensive gear to fill their shop "Sugary & Spicy".
The boys took an interesting deal from John Lewis; who agreed to let just one man carry one item from each section in their store. Cost didn't matter, but all the goods had to be physically carried out by one person only...
Quite why the boys didn't think to geta massive suitcase and cram it with jewellery, I'll never know! But they did get a £6,000 cutlery set for their shop "Buy One Get One Free". Incidentally, I think they only chose that name because the acronym is BOGOF, which best exemplifies the disparity of the sexes in this challenge!
To add to the fun, the teams also had to design the décor for their shop and arrange some kind of entertainment. During the "negotiating scene" for the available choices, Lembit characteristically went into meltdown when asked to make a decision without consulting the whole group – and promptly left the negotiation table! A furious Hardeep belittled him every step of the way back to their hotel room, and the rest of the team couldn't quite believe politician Lembit was so incapable of making a decision on behalf of the team. Don't vote Lembit.
Inevitably, the girls were now piling up their stock, selling tickets by the bucket-load, and generally doing an very impressive job under Jacqueline's leadership. We'll gloss over Kirstie Allsopp throwing an "Allstrop" and going to bed early because Jacqueline wasn't trusting her enough. Diddums.
Also, I'm trying not to be sexist anywhere in this blog, but you could argue that any task involving shopping automatically gives the girls an unfair advantage – especially against a boy's team made up of laddish types like Hancock, Tuffers and MacKenzie!
Yes, the men really were quite appalling. Tuffers and Lembit had to ensure there were plenty of celebs coming down to their shop – meaning Tuffers started relying on opening phone conversations with "my name's Phil Tufnell; King Of The Jungle". Yeah, never mind your cricket career, people know you from getting insects tipped over your head by Ant n' Dec these days...
And then, Lembit made the unavoidable phone call to "great big celebrity" girlfriend... er, one of the Cheeky Girls. Does it even matter which one? Is there a difference? Anyway, even his Cheeky Girlfriend refused to come down and help him! He couldn't even get a signed CD? Not that they've sold out, you understand. What a shame. Anyway, the scene was priceless; with Lembit finishing his phone call saying: "you're like a Tic Tac; you've given me a little lift" and having his "compliment" met with excruciating silence...
By now, the boys were getting overexcited by the fluky selling of a £25,000 ticket, not realizing that seemed like loose change to the Louise and the girls. The outcome looked very one-sided throughout the show, but never underestimate the power of careful editing on The Apprentice. Could the guys turn it around on the night? Well, Lembit's shop logo resembled "something a child would draw". But, in his defense, he has mentioned he was colour blind – so perhaps wasn't the best person to give anything artistic to do!
The girls got Simon Cowell on their guest list, and therefore a ticket to the Los Angeles finale of American Idol. The boys can't persuade a Cheeky Girl to come, and have boxes full of tat in their art gallery themed shop. I'm sensing a victory for the girls.
3 days have passed. Tonight's the night. The boys have miraculously managed to create something half-decent – making me wonder just how involved the production team get when it becomes clear the quality of the show will flat-line unless they step in to help! The girls have created a gold, glitzy, sparkly high-quality shop, crammed full of expensive and luxurious items.
The celebrity guests descend: there's Dragons' Den's Peter Jones, Angus Deayton, Apprentice winner Simon what's-his-name, Anthony from Blue, Simon Cowell, Frankie Dettori, David Walliams, rugby-playing dancer Matt Davies, the Apprentice's own Adrian Chiles. Ooh, it was like Madame Tussaud's.
Fortunately, the boys' celebrity helper (socialite Tamara Ecclestone) managed to persuade her billionaire daddy Bernie Ecclestone to double whatever the blokes make on the night – so they're still in with a chance of winning. Lucky, that...
Sir Alan turns up at 11pm with his glamorous wife, immediately heading over to sample an oyster in the boy's shop. His eyes roll in their sockets. Not because of the oyster, but because he's been told it's free and complimentary. All non-profits go to charidee. In the end, both bashes seem to go reasonably well, but that's likely down to judicious editing.
Afterwards, inside Sir Alan's boardroom, the two teams reassemble to hear the results. But I was more interested in Hardeep's decision to wear a luminous green turban with a purple suit – making him look like a kind of Bollywood Joker...
Anyway, the boys made a total of £316,013 and the girls made £412,121 – and were therefore declared the winners. Like we didn't see that coming! They actually thrashed the boys considerably when you remember that big Bern must have stumped up around £160 grand's worth of their takings!
Inevitably, fingers were pointed at Lembit for his bad negotiating, particularly by smug Hardeep, but MacKenzie intriguing came to Lembit's rescue – clearly having had enough of Hardeep's constant griping at a well-meaning, if clueless, nice-guy. After all, Lembit did his best – and didn't walk out on leadership after a trivial Hitler jibe.
So, who got fired? I don’t know. We'll find out in second 2, which will be shown as part of Sport Relief night on Friday 14 March, BBC1. Donate some cash here.
12 March 2008
BBC1, 9.00 pm
