What's going on in Albert Square these days, hmm? Well, teenage demon-child Lucy threw a party while her dad Ian and stepmum Jane went to stay in Alan Partridge's Travel Tavern room (did Ian check to see what was in the top drawer?), as part of a special romantic treat before Ian meets the Queen. Don’t ask me how fish n' chip magnate Ian wangled a meeting with Her Maj, I missed those episodes...With the house all to herself, Lucy gets rid of Jane's gay brother (lead singer of The Feeling?), her own brother Steven, and invites her mates around for a party -- where they inevitably trash the joint once it's overrun by boozed-up gate-crashers. 'Cos that's what always happens when "da kids" get together these days, see. It isn't just isolated news-worthy cases, no-no-no.
I know teenage party's sometimes get out of control and valuables gets broken and/or vomited on, but the gang that descended on the Beale's were from Cliché City (twinned with Hell): spraying graffiti on garden fences, zooming around outside on motorbikes, throwing beer bottles at innocent passers-by, ripping pictures off walls, smashing small tables. Even Lucy thought it would be a great idea to break the television. Rock n' Roll, man! But I bet she'll regret that by the time the Hollyoaks omnibus rolls round...
Tim Henman's evil twin (calling himself Steven Beale) called to get dad Ian back home, after the police were called in by neighbours. Ian, having assessing the damage with his usual slack-jawed disbeleif, blew a fuse with smug daughter Lucy – who was still lounging around on the sofa with a job-well-done smirk on her stupid face. After the expected argument, Ian's fiery temper got the better of him and he slapped her across the face. Yay! I mean; oh dear.
Y'see, in the high-minded BBC world of EastEnders; teen-parties are an understandable certainty when dealing with tearaways, but no parent should ever hit their own kid. Never ever. Not even if she really, really asked for it. Or has just destroyed your home, causing thousands of pounds worth of damage, and gloats about it in front of you. No, if that scenario happens, parents should have a nice heart-to-heart, stop their pocket money for awhile, ground them for a bit, and take away their mobile phone. That'll teach 'em.
Lucy ran away from home the next morning, leaving Ian feeling guilty that he handled the situation badly. He hasn't told Jane he hit Lucy, see -- but I'm hoping Jane's reaction when he tells her will be to say: "when can I punch her?"
Elsewhere, another hateable character has belly-flopped on the Square, in the bulbous shape of Daisy-from-Keeping-Up-Appearances – now playing fat Heather's porky mum, whose only friend is a caged budgie. Oh, her name's Queenie. I don't think she's the person Ian was meant to be meeting, though.
Queenie claims she's been made homeless and endears herself to daughter Heather by immediately ridiculing her size (ahem – pot, kettle?) and scoffing at her plan to marry Minty. I don't blame her for the latter, as that storyline is a bit daft – with dullard Minty still hoping to get his hands on £20,000 if he wins a magazine's wedding competition, in the wake of his actual fiancée leaving him...
Even with a charm bypass on that scale, Queenie is still given a roof over her head -- much to the chagrin of housemates Minty and Gary. I'm not sure why Minty and "Gal" don't put their foot down and demand Queenie get out of their bloody house – but they instead choose to steal Queenie's budgie and leave a hand-written threat on the coffee table. Something with the subtext of: get out, or the bird gets it.
Meanwhile, Tanya is still plotting her escape from cheating husband Max (who slept with his own son's fiancé/wife). She persuades Max to sign a document that allows her access to £100,000 he has, which she'll use to run away with ginger hunk Sean – but the sweetener involves sex with the bald cheat. After discovering the lengths Tanya will go to the next day, lover Sean reacts like he's been punched in the gut. I mean, sleeping with the man you've slept with hundreds of times before – how could you, Tan?!
Anyway, slimy Max is one step ahead of his wife; having got his rocks off with her, he just rips up the document. Tanya finds the document ripped up in the folder she keeps it in, but Max swears he's posted it to their solicitor's. Why don't soap characters ever dispose of incriminating evidence properly? It takes two seconds to put something in a bin! Mind you, if Max had binned it, you can bet your life on the bin-liner splitting as Tanya took the rubbish out – and the secret would be exposed that way. It's soapy fate.
Speaking of fate, Max's is to be buried alive by Tanya and Sean (as the TV magazines and newspapers have spoiled weeks before.) It's a horrible situation that's actually happened to him once before, as a kid, at the hands of his dad and some adult friends. Yep, lovable Jim Branning -- in one of EastEnders least plausible "developments" of a character for years -- locked his son in a coffin! Cuh. You think you know someone...
But anyway, the seeds of Tanya's crazy "buried alive" plan looks to have been sewn by the amount of times daughter Abby spends pining over her dead hamster Marge – now buried in a grave outside the house. Don't worry, Marge was definitely dead when she was buried -- her death had nothing to do with Tanya getting some practice in. She wasn't working herself up from small rodents to big rat-like husbands.
You know what, when you vent about EastEnders' ridiculous nature of late, you actually begin to realize how entertaining it is – in a stupid way. We get quantity, not quality, with British soaps these days – hence the sheer amount of daft plotlines. But, scarily, EastEnders actually resembles a hard-hitting documentary when compared to Emmerdale...
17 March 2008
BBC1, 7.30 pm
