"I'm technically useless." -- LucindaAfter 3 weeks of wheelin'-and-dealin', the teams head off to Bluewater shopping centre – for more of the same. Yes, there's no time to put your feet up when Sir Alan Sugar's around, as he wants Alpha and Renaissance to set-up businesses that take photos of shoppers. It'll be a snap, right?
Fed up with all the infighting (particularly from girl team Alpha), Sir Alan mixes the teams, leaving them to decide on project managers. Giddy with excitement, Simon puts himself forward as team leader of Renaissance, because he "knows about shutter speeds", he knows "how to set up a tripod" and all about "single lens reflex cameras..." In the background, Sir Alan's stooge Margaret rolls her eyes. Simon also knows the Bluewater area. It's his turf. His backyard. His manor. He'll be just like D.B. David Bailey? No, more like Del Boy.
Simon's enthusiasm (and valid arguments, to be honest) wins him leadership. His team are comprised of Claire, Alex, Jenny C (not so harsh without her specs – which must be the source of her bitchiness), Sara and Michael. They settle on a theme of "glamour and beauty", with punters in "dowdy" clothes being given a make-over through the power of a good angle, decent lighting, a chaise long, and some glittery curtains in a boudoir setting.
Over in Alpha, led by Helene Speight, they decide to take photos of shoppers with a celebrity look-alike. Joined by team-mates Lucinda, Raef, Kevin, Jenny M and Lee, they audition "doppelgangers" (most only have a passing likeness) of Del Boy (too 80s), Britney Spears (circa '97), a good Cherie Blair (but so 2006, darling), a poor man's George Clooney, and a good David Beckham. Alpha fail to realize that team-member Kevin is a dead ringer for Matt Lucas (saving themselves a bundle by turning him into all the Little Britain characters!), so instead procure the services of Mr Beckham...
Simon's team buy the necessary props and materials, then set to work transforming an area of Bluewater (the largest shopping centre in Europe and, coincidentally, the largest concentration of chavs) into a glamorous boudoir.
Helene's team set up a football-themed backdrop and position Les McQueen as their photographer. Jenny M and Kevin will grab the customers, while Lucinda, Raef and Helene deal with the printing of the snaps onto mugs, mouse mats and photographic paper.
For both teams, the initial spurt of energy begins to dissipate. Simon is having a great time charming shoppers to sit in his boudoir, but "go-between" Claire quickly realizes the number-codes Simon is tagging every photo with don't correspond with the photos they view on the laptop. Consequently, the backroom team have no idea what to print, meaning Claire has to start remembering customers' faces! Simon puts on a brave face for awhile, but soon has to stop production.
Things are even worse for Alpha. Lucinda has been put in charge of the computer and (by her own admission) has no clue. Oh, someone with zero computer-using skills will be a real asset for Sir Alan and his technology-based companies. Hire her now, big Al! Helene looks on with sneery contempt, and politely-phrased arguments ensue. Meanwhile, Raef is content to sit back and label mugs.
Eventually, production has to stop at the busiest time of the day, giving "David Beckham" time to visit JJB Sports perhaps. Lucinda and Helene figure out how to print-out photos onto standard A4 paper. Qute why nobody just put photographic paper into the printer, I just don't know! But the team seem relatively happy now, despite overcharging waiting customers £15.99 for a photo-print on a sheet of paper!
In the boardroom, the results of the task are announced. Helene's team took £738.83 from punters and spent £592.93 on Beckham and materials. Their profit was therefore £145.10. Simon's team took £503.42 from shoppers, spent £577.23 on champaign and furnishings, so ended up with a loss of £73.81.
For the winners, a luxury trip to the Isle Of Wight on a private yacht. For the losers, they'll be left to stew while Sir Alan has lunch with the Prime Minister (ooh, the name-dropper!) When he returns, Renaissance descend into sniping and mud-slinging, and Simon decides to bring Alex and Claire back into the board room with him.
Simon pleads his case, saying he could have made a fortune if communication had been maintained by "unmanageable" Claire. Claire insists that Simon was a domineering, shouty leader; Alex just tries to shift the blame somewhere else – settling on Claire. Sir Alan is dismayed at all the bickering, and grows so irritated by Claire's presence that he sends her back to the house -- adding she'll be team leader next time. Wha--? Huh?? She's safe?!
Oh dear. Simon looks crestfallen. Surely he's for the chop now. Sir Alan makes his decision: "Simon, if I asked you to build a wall, you'd build it. If I asked you to dig a trench, you'd dig it. But I don't know that if I gave you my financial portfolio, you'd have a clue what to do. I think you are a bit out of you depth, my friend. And with regret, Simon, you're fired." Bugger. Simon leaves, looking pensive and tearful – ruminating that he'll "be putting satellite dishes up again next week."
So did Simon deserve to go? I don't think so. Well, not yet. I thought he did a great job getting materials together, organizing everyone, trying to inspire people. And he was a good people person. The only real fault lay with the idiot team behind-the-scenes, who I'm pretty sure just lacked the computer skills when it came to the photo-labelling mess-up.
Maybe it was down to clever editing again, but I thought Alpha's whole enterprise was much more of a disaster. The look-alike idea wasn't very original, and I can't understand how they made more money with Lucinda in charge of the printing! They were just lucky that the saps at Bluewater actually paid £16 for a sheet of A4 paper!
The Week Four task wasn't the greatest, and it's a shame Simon has gone now – if only because he talked sense and was likeable with it. I thought he deserved a few more weeks on the show, don't you? But I did enjoy the few moments when Margaret commented on events and shot down Alex's lies in the board room. The candidates can never argue against Nick and Margaret (who are unbiased and present throughout the tasks). I think they should speak up more often, personally.
16 April 2008
BBC1, 9.00 pm
