Dawn is Roxie's main competition -- as sis Ronnie pulled out later on, and I don't think Shirley has entered the contest. Funny that. So Dawn was strutting her stuff in the Square, convinced she has Barmaid Of The Year in the bag, until the photographer mentions the "academic" side to the competition. Y'know, remembering orders and stuff. Dawn's face fell. She can only just remember where she lives, poor thing. As a bad omen, Wellard then muddied her favourite dress by leaping up on her, causing dog-walker Sean to comment: "Dirty dog. Isn't she, Wellard." Wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaa....
The only plot with any real point belonged to Steven; the evil twin of Tim Henman, who kidnapped his own father and shot his stepmother in the womb just before Christmas. But that was nearly 6 months ago, so things have moved on. It's a fast-paced life on a soap, isn’t it? Any indiscretion is brushed under the carpet by the weekend. Slept with your brother's wife? He'll have forgiven you by the Sunday omnibus. Killed your mum? There could be a prickly atmosphere for a few weeks at the dinner table...
Steven is now trying to woo Stacey Slater into bed, who I thought liked her men like she likes her biscuits: ginger. But the pouty, doe-eyed Steven has made Stacey consider sleeping outside of the Branning family. Steven's excited and understandably nervous about losing his virginity, so steals some condoms and leaves a tenner on the shelf. Then he heads home and finds himself groping a dummy. No, not Stacey. Not yet. It's a mannequin dad Ian has broguth back for daughter Lucy. Oh, is runaway Lucy back? I've missed some episodes. That was nice of Ian, wasn't it. Every teenage girl I know wants their own mannequin to play dress up. Hmm. Steven's a magnet of bad luck, though – first dropping his condoms for Mickey to see, and now the poor lad's slothful reactions means Ian and Christian have time to unlock and open a door, catching him in a pre-grope stance. Oh dear.
Naturally, it's up to Ian to give Steven "the talk". Not the "birds and the bees" talk, no. It's chapter 2 of Ian Beale: How To Seduce A Lady. To be fair, he did somehow get Cindy into bed, and Jane's not exactly a troglodyte. Maybe he has something to offer. He's ginger, so his technique should work particularly well on Stacey, surely. As Steven squirms, Ian's pearls of wisdom are spoken: if you get too excited, mentally name-check the England squad (including subs), and it helps to play some Daniel Beddingfield to set the mood. Steven makes his exit.
Later, it's the moment of truth. Steven arrives at the Slater's, armed with flowers and condoms. He correctly presents Stacey with the flowers. Does he have a Daniel Beddingfield CD? No, no. Good so far. Stacey's wearing a leopard print dress that shows plenty of leg; probably something from her stall. She's made the front room all romantic (turned off the lights, lit some candles and, most importantly, made sure Big Moe's out). Steven and Stacey sit on the sofa slurping alcopops, as she prods him to hold her and touch her knee. As they lean in for a kiss, Stacey's nutcase mother returns home (bringing two similarly bonkers friends back with her.) Like all soap characters, she's oblivious to the room's ambience – and soon has those curtains open and candles blown out.
Elsewhere, psycho Sean -- who has kicked Gus out of their flat, because Gus didn't like him sleeping with his new girlfriend (this is all rational to Sean) – starts smoking the pipe of peace. No, it’s nothing to do with gay Christian. He asks Gus round to bury the hatchet over a delicious spaghetti meal. But the little joker's only gone and cooked Wellard the dog up for owner Gus to chow-down. Hohoho. Fortunately, even EastEnders' writers know Sean isn’t that depraved: it was all a little joke.
Bradley (Stacey's red-cheeked husband she's divorcing) gets closer to sheep-faced Claire, who's only interested in Bradley because he's the only up-and-coming male in Walford (and the only bloke who has a job that means leaving the Square and commuting somewhere.) Yes, she's another sexy gold-digger character, narrowly avoided by Ian recently. She finally seems to have her man, as she smooches with Bradders on the sofa at Dot's house. But he breaks it off. He's too busy thinking about Stacy and feels guilty. Yes, just a few months after throwing Stacey's attempts at a reconciliation back in her face, he's hungry for more leopard-print rumpy-pumpy. Even with Gemma Bissix attached to his face. The fool.
Back at Chez Slater: Stacey and Steven are in bed naked. But they haven't "done it". I'm not sure what they did, but maybe Steven took his dad's words to heart and started imagining the England team... and then got to Rooney? Whatever happened, Steven makes his excuses and leaves. Back home, he beats up Lucy's mannequin/love doll, takes out a gay magazine (there must be a tenner on the top shelf in the Minute Mart, too) and drools over the hunky men inside. Maybe all that thinking of the England team made him come early when he got to Frank Lampard?
It was a funny episode. I enjoyed it, even when it got a bit too stupid for its own good (the dog's dinner) and we had to endure seeing red-faced Heather huffing and puffing on a running machine. I can’t complain too much about any episode that conspired to have Roxie, Ronnie and Dawn modelling, Stacey in leopard print, and the return of Claire in her knee-high boots. Also loving the wheelchair-bound little girl Penny (talented young actress Mia McKenna Bruce), who can spit out a put-down that puts actors twice her age to shame, while dressed as the poison dwarf from Don't Look Now. Classic.
17 April 2008
BBC1, 7.30 pm
