Credit crunch, be damned! It was time to dig deeper than usual last night, as annual telethon Children In Need returned to monopolize BBC1 from 7pm till 2am. If you haven't done so already, might I recommend you head to the CIN website and donate some cash. I'm sure you can spare a few pennies. The seven-hour show was the usual assortment of good-intentioned silliness, presided over by Terry Wogan with TV babes Tess Daly and Fearne Cotton sharing co-hosting duties. Let's take a look back at the "primetime" of the show, until it started to repeat itself too much:7PM – 8PM
- The show gets underway (after a performance by those Mcfly boys) with Terry Wogan and Tess Daly – a woman who looks great, but spoils the effect by trying to appear friendly... and, well, talking. Fearne Cotton was backstage, while Alesha Dixon was up in the BT Tower with Pudsey Bear, where EastEnders actors manned the phone lines.
- The first act was an unusual choice: actress Emma Barton (EastEnders' Honey) singing "You To Me Are Everything". I thought she did well – unexpectedly good voice, very beautiful. So, was she dipping her toe into the waters of a potential singing career, now she's been axed from 'Enders? Probably.
- Oh, up next was a Merlin sketch for CIN. Oh, it's terrible. But never mind, the thought was there.
- Over to Belfast, with excitable former-Blue Peter presenter Zoe Salmon shouting in her thick burr, to introduce Boyzone on-stage.
- Strange, we're already half an hour nto the show and there's been no sign of an emotional video highlighting why cash is needed to help disadvantaged children. Ah, I spoke too soon. Hello Team GB and their heartfelt pleas for cash...
- Children's Masterchef! I have no interest in Masterchef, and the presence of kids doesn't alter that fact. Time to channel-surf, I think...
- Ah, we're back! It's time for the BBC to link-up with their regional departments. Oh, joy. For me, that means it's off to East Midlands airport with a middle-aged news presenter and Jonathan "Robbie Williams Is My Best Friend" Wilkes. As usual, it's terrible: like dropping in on someone else's party and not really knowing, or caring, what's going on. I suppose it gives Wogan the chance for a breather in London.
- Phew, we're back to TV Centre, for a good performance from Duffy – who resembles an albino Eartha Kitt. But don't hold that against the Welsh warbler, 'cos she was good.
- Ooh. Nicola and Kimberley from Girls Aloud and Gary and Howard from Take That present a big BBC Radio 2 cheque, then struggle to reel off the donation hotline: 03457 33 22 33. That will become a recurring gag of the night.
8PM – 9PM
- The cast of The Bill do a medley of song and dance numbers, which is actually very well put together. I haven't seen The Bill since about 1994, so it lacked much comedy value for me. Strange to hear Louisa Lytton's breathy, dubbed voice on the soundtrack. Back in the studio, Wogan turns his back on actress Lisa Maxwell mid-sentence. How rude, Tel!
- Next up, a mix of performances by the cast of Oliver, which includes I'd Do Anything winner Jodie Prenger as Nancy. Good stuff, really. The kids were obviously the focus, so Jodie didn't get that much to do, but it was a good bit of marketing for the BBC and the West End.
- A Strictly Come Dancing special next, with Terry Wogan & Flavia Cacace competing against SCD hostess Tess Daly & Anton Du Beke. This was fairly good, mainly because it was entertaining to see Tess cut a rug in a sexy white dress, and Wogan did his usually self-deprecating, mock outrage shtick when the scores came in from the judges. Yes, Tess won, having danced to "Hey Big Spender" – a subliminal message?
9PM – 10PM
- The long-awaited Doctor Who Christmas Special preview (shown when a lot of kids may have been in bed!) It showed The Doctor arriving in Victorian London, then rushing to save a woman screaming for help, before David Morrissey turns up as "The Doctor" (with his own sonic screwdriver) and a fake-looking Cyberman bursts through a door to attack them. Hmm. Well, it seems that (a) Morrissey is playing a Victorian man who has heard about the Time Lord and is pretending to be him, or (b) he is staging some kind of play based on the Doctor's adventures. Either way, I think we can wipe Morrissey off the list of possible Eleventh Doctors for 2010.
- X Factor winner Leon Jackson is here to sing. Ouch; he has the personality of a table.
- Gok Wan meets Coronation Street? Yes, it's one of those toe-curling sketches CIN likes to do. Gok basically gets stranded in Coronation Street, talks some of the Underworld staff into getting naked, has them take part in a quick fashion show, before weirdly having to dress like Hayley Cropper in the Rovers pub. Oookay.
- It's time for Girls Aloud, singing their recent #1 hit "The Promise" for the umpteenth time on television. Oh well, they look red-hot as usual, and Sarah just loves that "walking Primrose" line, doesn't she?
- A Royle Family sketch, which was utterly disposable and criminally short. Arse!
- EastEnders have filmed a special song-and-dance medley like The Bill, under the banner "WestEnders". This was fairly decent and I at least recognised most of the cast in their costumes. Incredible to think it took just a day to film, too. Well done, all.
- More music, this time from Take That singing their new single "Greatest Day".
10PM – 11PM
- The news is on BBC1, so it's over to BBC2 for a QI special with Terry Wogan as a star guest. Thankfully, this played like a normal episode of QI with a slight emphasis on children, charity and Eurovision. All in all, entertaining stuff that served its purpose well.
- Back to BBC1 for the Sugababes singing "Girls" (a cover that always sounds like it's just a chorus, because everyone's forgotten some of the verses.) But, nice to see Amelle looking less like a skeleton in make-up, although she still needs some meals inside her.
- The last special sketch of the hour saw Top Gear's Richard Hammond driving Gene Hunt's Quattro from Ashes To Ashes, as the TV characters looked on. Above all, I was surprised by how great it was to see Philip Glenister as Gene – having been stuck watching Harvey Keitel grumble his way through the same character in the Life On Mars US remake.
14 November 2008
BBC1, 7pm
