DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES 6.4 - "The God-Why-Don't-You-Love-Me Blues"

WRITER: Alexandra Cunningham
DIRECTOR: David Warren
GUEST CAST: Jessie Metcalfe, Charlie Carver, Shawn Pyfrom, Carlos Le Camara & Jack Thomas

[SPOILERS] Marc Cherry and the Desperate Housewives writing staff must have a lot of ideas to cram into this year's show, judging by the speed with which they have introduced and dispensed with two potentially marathon storylines. A mystery and a love triangle I assumed would be dragged out, agonised over, deepened and complicated over a number of weeks have been wrapped up within a couple of episodes. Admittedly, until I have watched the entire season, it is hard to see how major or minor a role these threads play in the grand season six scheme (or, indeed, whether they will progress from these "conclusions" and grow into altogether different arcs), but for now I am left wondering: why the rush?

The first plotline I am referring to is the revelation of Julie's (Andrea Bowen) secret ex-lover, who may or may not be the person who attacked her. In an all-too-short return, Andrew Van De Kamp (Shawn Pyfrom) reveals to Susan (Teri Hatcher) that her comatose daughter has left medical school to wait tables, and the guy who almost got her pregnant was a married man. This leads the highly-strung Susan to ransack Julie's room and read her diary, which uses the code "D" for the mystery man. No need to wait, predict or ponder upon his identity, however, for it is revealed -- to viewers, at least -- as Nick "Dominic" Bolen (Jeffrey Nordling) before the end credits, although not by the newly conscious Julie, who refuses to spill any details for fear of ruining "D"'s family life. Strange how this didn’t bother her while she was sleeping with him?

The second sizzling storyline extinguished before its spark was fully flamed was the prospective love triangle between Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria Parker), former fling John Roland (Jesse Metcalfe) and Gabby's niece Ana (Maiara Walsh). For all of Gabby’s reminiscing over her former life (and apparent jealousy of youngster Ana, now receiving lifts home from her over-generous new boss), it appears John is the one still harbouring a decade-old crush. Gabby quickly puts an end to this, but not before John kisses her... as Ana walks in. Didn’t they employ this same clichéd device in "Being Alive"? At any rate, Gabby reveals her past affair to her heartbroken resident to avoid Ana blabbing to Uncle Carlos (Ricardo Chavira), and the torn teen decides to quit her job at John’s restaurant. If this is the last time we see John Rowland, then it was a disappointingly low-key conclusion to a guest spot which started so brightly.

Meanwhile on Wisteria Lane, Bree's (Marcia Cross) affair with Karl (Richard Burgi) was put on the backburner (at least on screen; Richard Burgi did not feature this week) as she endeavoured to help a clearly unhappy and mentally spiralling Katherine (Dana Delaney) get over her obsession with Mike (James Denton), with little success. Unfortunately, for all the sympathy and unease generated by Katherine's unhinged actions, the plot was undermined by a slapstick chase behind a wedding ceremony as Bree attempted in vain to stop Katherine from destroying the oblivious bride and groom's cake, simply because it was the design Katherine and Mike were going to have on their big day, before he married Susan. The preposterous scene even culminated with a comedy crashing sound effect -- all that was missing was the canned laughter.

Lynette (Felicity Huffman) and Tom Scavo's (Doug Savant) once depressingly serious pregnancy plot was yet again mined for laughs this week, as Lynette's ballooning chest leads to a glut of male attention. Still intent on hiding her pregnancy from boss Carlos, a humorous exchange about Lynette's "twins" leads Carlos to mistakenly believe she has had implants, which he intends to use to profit his company. A bit like breast prostitution, and wholly immoral, but Lynette goes along with this sexist charade when he gives her the company credit card to buy a new dress. How easily pride is sold on this street. That evening, Lynette and Tom have a heart-to-heart about the normal size of her chest, which leads to Tom essentially digging himself out of a hole -- yet this gets dressed up as sentimental. Oh how I wept -- for all the wrong reasons.

Finally, Danny Bolen is still feeling the effects of being wrongfully accused of Julie’s attack, being ostracized from the other kids at school. Threatening to quit, mother Angie (Drea De Matteo) decides to cheer her son up by bribing a dubious Porter Scavo (Charles Carver) into throwing a house party to help him integrate, because when Danny gets unhappy, he gets sloppy and opens his mouth. Apparently. Which is worrying for Nick, given Danny’s admission he knows his father’s secret. Whether it is the same secret we are now privy to, or something entirely different, remains to be seen, but knowing Desperate Housewives, we won't have to wait long to find out.

17 FEBRUARY 2010: CHANNEL 4 (HD), 9PM