What else am I watching?

The TV shows I review aren't all I watch. Oh no. My TiVo is full of many things, which I don't have the time to write about, so here's a brief insight into my DVR's weekly recordings...

The Midnight Beast (E4, Thursdays). I reviewed the pilot, which was promising, and have stuck with E4's Flight Of The Conchords-esque teen comedy. I still wish it was better written, have to say. The trio are very likeable and most of their songs are fun (if getting slightly repetitive in style), but each episode's story and the jokes haven't grabbed me. It's a pleasant diversion, but nothing I'm in a rush to watch.

The Ricky Gervais Show (E4, Wednesdays). I often watch this when I have a half-hour to fill, and it makes me chuckle. Karl Pilkington works better in an audio or animated context than live-action (An Idiot Abroad), although the quality of his anecdotes and left-field thinking has taken a dip this series. You have to wonder how many times they can pick his brains before, well, he runs out of brains worth picking.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (LoveFilm streaming). I was planning to watch Veronica Mars this summer, but then I noticed that LoveFilm have every season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer available on streaming. So rather than fork out for a Mars box-set (which are oddly expensive at £25 each, considering it was a little-known show in the UK), I decided to watch Buffy online. I'm only a few episodes into season 1 and, yeah, it's bringing back memories of why I stopped watching in 1997. The difference now is this: I know it gets a LOT better, or so I've always been told by Whedonites.

Revenge (E4, Mondays). I enjoyed the pilot (but only on second viewing), and thus series-linked this on my TiVo. But to be honest, I'm getting a little bored now. I was about to stop watching recently, but then a good episode gave me pause. I'll persevere, for now. It's alright, just not as juicy and gripping as I was expecting it to be, and Emily Van Camp's becoming so wooden she's starting to grow acorns. Please let her loosen up. I know she's out for revenge, which is a nasty business, but she just looks so damned suspicious all of the time. Learn some misdirection skills, girl.

Line of Duty (BBC1, Tuesdays). This BBC1 cop drama gives Lennie James (Jericho) a chance for Luther-style glory now he's back on home turf, and he's certainly the main reason to watch. The problem with LoD, beyond the usual BBC irritation of episodes being far too long at a full HOUR, is that I find the "good cop" hero a vacuum of charisma. So I'm on the side of "bad cop" James, which I didn't think was intended. But maybe it is, as the plot thickens and we learn more about the characters. I have a feeling my opinion will change once the final episode airs, but as of right now... I just wish this show was a more clear-cut case of Vicky McClure vs Lennie James, because that would be 100x more exciting to me than watching Captain Charisma-less every week.

Big Brother (Channel 5, nightly). Yeah, I'm still watching this show, for my sins. It hasn't been a good year, admittedly. There are no outright monsters (although Caroline comes close at times), a few of the best housemates have been evicted too early, another tedious "bullying" controversy is brewing over nothing, the big "showmance" of Pob-like Ashleigh and Max Beesley clone Luke S is tedious, and nothing has really developed between the housemates that means you want to keep tuning in. It hasn't been particularly funny or cringe-making. I'd rather it be over and we move onto the celebrity version.

The Bachelor (Channel 5, Fridays). I know! It's a very lowbrow show, but this is trash TV done in style. Everything about it makes me giggle, because it's a show where everyone involved is deluded and blissfully unaware the audience is laughing at them. Made In Chelsea prat Spencer Matthews isn't as famous as last year's metrosexual rugby player Gavin Henson, unfortunately, but it helps the show that he's more forthcoming and less shy. The potential girlfriends are the usual mix of bimbos, bitches, and busty wannabes. It's all good fun, capped off with a pitch-perfect faux-serious narration by Hugo Speer. (Yes, that guy from The Full Monty.)

Louie (FX, Thursdays). See, I still find time for quality. Think of Big Brother and The Bachelor as sorbets. I reviewed the season 3 premiere, and have been watching the episodes since. It hasn't really tickled my funnybone much this year, although I enjoyed the Miami episode and episode 2's oral sex scene with Melissa Leo. The recent episode with Parker Posey was also really nice, but it's yet to really hit its stride. I sure hope Louie C.K hasn't used up all his best material for series 1 and 2, meaning this third year's only going to have a few diamonds in the rough.

Continuum (Showcase, Sundays). I surprised myself by really enjoying the first few episodes of this Canadian sci-fi drama, but I've cooled now. (Much like the ratings, which have halved.) It's alright, but it's starting to feel like the concept's too narrow. I think I'd like future-cop Cameron to fight other crimes occasionally, without so much focus on the Liber8 baddies from the future. It kind of makes sense that she's more concerned about them, but from a viewer perspective I'm getting a little bored with that group now. I also wish they'd hurry up and make it clearer that the baddies have principles that aren't crazy-sounding to people in the present, and only Cameron thinks what they believe in is strange (as a brainwashed citizen of a future state run by conglomerates). The show dances around this issue so much that I sometimes think I've misunderstood the subtext.

The Newsroom (Sky Atlantic, Tuesdays). It's split opinion in the US, and I can see the show's flaws regarding its retrospective storytelling and female characters, but the dialogue still has sparkle and the performances are very committed. A fascinating failure in some ways, but I don't think it's fair to write Aaron Sorkin's latest show off just yet. Maybe it's a good sign he's fired all the writing staff? A similar move helped The Walking Dead in series 2, after all.

Dynamo: Magician Impossible (Watch, Thursdays). Series 2 has featured a lot of routine street magic and simple tricks in fancy new clothing, but there has also been some truly mind-boggling moments. Dynamo himself remains the main reason to watch, mainly because he's basically a scrawny geek who's getting away with ripping off David Blaine. His patter even steals the same phrases, like "I want to try something..." But it's glossy to look at, and every episode is almost guaranteed to have three tricks that make you reconsider the existence of witchcraft. He vanished while walking through HMV! He flew over a nightclub crowd! He walked down the side of an L.A building, horizontally!

Falling Skies (FX UK, Tuesdays). I like some of the improvements they've made in season 2, but I'm finding it hard to care about anything at this point. Maybe the whole alien invasion subgenre is just too overplayed? I don't like most of the characters, which doesn't help. It's just hard to see what the point is, because they're obviously not going to defeat the aliens for a long time yet, and watching the daily survival of a group I don't much like isn't fun. Brilliant CGI and alien creatures, though.

Parents (Fridays, Sky1) A very enjoyable family sitcom that's already my favourite Sky comedy. Good performances, regular laughs, and a very pleasant atmosphere. It's nothing radical that I'm desperate for others to discover, but it's a nice half-hour of easygoing laughs and the occasional twist of emotion. Maybe the conceptual joke of a career-minded mum being forced to move back in with her old-fashioned parents, family in tow, will start to flag after awhile... but for now, this is working a treat.

So that's what I've been watching, in addition to Sinbad, True Blood and Breaking Bad--what about you?

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER 2011: Launch Night

For a decade the first night of Big Brother signaled the beginning of summer for fans, but the latest run is premiering in the middle of August on Channel 5 (who've bought the rights to the show after Channel 4 axed it last year). It's a bad time to launch, made worse by the bizarre decision to kick-start BB's return with a celebrity special that will segue into the regular show. This means that the "proper" show won't start till September, when the weather's cooling, and continue throughout autumn!

top-bottom: Amy Childs, Tara Reid,
Jedward, Kerry Katona & Darryn Lyons

People underestimate the power of seasons and weather when scheduling television. Big Brother has been synonymous with summer for over a decade. Housemates sunbathing in the garden was a recurring motif of the show's live-feed (absent this year), while the celebrity version always arrived in January to blow away wintry post-Christmas blues. It seems as crazy as moving Wimbledon to October.

At the very least you'd think Channel 5 would know it makes more sense to do a regular Big Brother first, then extend the run with a celebrity version. The problem with reversing that order is how it risks people becoming bored of the house, and perhaps the whole show, by the time the celebs are all evicted and a rabble of strangers are thrown in.

To be honest, whichever version of BB airs first, the "double bill" is the larger issue. Why not have a normal version in August through October (if they must), leave the celeb version for January-February, and then get the next regular version on-air by June as usual?

Anyway, Celebrity Big Brother returned last night with a 90-minute launch, which was practically identical to those Channel 4 aired for 11 years. If slightly tighter, with a few improvements. The celebs no longer arrived in pointless limousine (which have literally travelled about 50 metres), but instead walk through the opening iris of a giant Big Brother eye-symbol—like something out of Stargate SG1.

Our new host is Brian Dowling (the winner of Big Brother 2, crowned Ultimate Big Brother champion last summer) who replaces Davina McCall. I was braced for a disaster, but Dowling was surprisingly confident and assured. After so many years watching the relative shambles of McCall (tottering around pulling faces and fumbling her words), Dowling struck a calmer, cheeky tone. You could argue he was comparatively boring, which is true to some extent, but as a debut it was a good start. He just needs to reflect some of the show's lunacy—which MCall, love her or hate her, always put across in her own performance. There's room for improvement, but Dowling acquitted himself nicely.

As for the celebrity housemates themselves, well... after weeks being teased about the possibility of Pamela Anderson and Charlie Sheen entering the house, the actual bookings were a disappointment. There were only a handful of housemates you'd refer to as "celebrities", and even those were firmly on the C-list.

The big four were beautician Amy Childs, star of The Only Way Is Essex where she's known for "vajazzling" customers; actress Tara Reid, half-remembered for American Pie, but best-known for falling out of nightclubs drunk; Irish identical twins Jedward, the X Factor novelty act whose sheer lunacy has turned them into cult favourites; and Kerry Katona, the ex-popstar who became famous-for-being-famous thanks to a turbulent love life and public meltdown. The rest were significantly less famous, if you can imagine such a possibility: Darryn Lyons, the egotistical Aussie paparazzo with a pink mohican haircut; Lucien Laviscount, a handsome Coronation Street actor; Sally Bercow, wife of the Speaker of the House who infamously posed in nothing but a towel for a tabloid; Paddy Docherty, the Irish star of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding; Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff, ex-wife of David "The Hoff" Hasselhoff; and Bobby Sabel, a hunky male model nobody's ever heard of.

top-bottom: Lucien Laviscount, Sally
Bercow, Paddy Docherty, Pamela
Bach-Hasselhoff & Bobby Sable

The star-power's dim, but that's usually the way with Celebrity Big Brother. It perhaps didn't help with negotiations that the show's moved to Channel 5, which is seen a low-rent channel, thus eroding the feeling that an appearance will revive a stalling (or non-existent) showbiz career. If this year's show is a big success, expect a better lineup for 2012. Of course, fame has nothing to do with making a great show. It's all about personalities and chemistry. If the housemates are fun, entertaining, shocking, outspoken, and argumentative, who cares if you've never heard of them. In fact, lesser-known celebrities are often a better booking because they're usually less guarded and more willing to stand out from the crowd. I already sense that Sally and Pamela will be bigger personalities than they are celebrities. And that's just as it should be.

You can't judge the success of a reality show on its opening night, especially as nothing has happened in the house yet—beyond Kerry being given a secret task to get herself voted the group's biggest diva. The only thing you can judge Big Brother on from the launch night is the production itself (good, well-paced, no major hiccups), and the performance of host Dowling (who, as I said, was fine).

The only flaw was how the launch offered absolutely nothing we haven't seen before. Channel 5 delivered no big reinvention of the previous launches, just cosmetic changes (like having iconic BB narrator Marcus Bentley describe the housemates as they entered the house instead of the presenter). Even "the twist" of a secret task was something the show's done numerous times before, so it fell rather flat.

But hey, Celebrity Big Brother 2011 not have given us any sweeping changes, but the refinements were decent, and I'm sure most fans are just happy to see the show back on-air. I just hope Channel 5 find ways to improve Big Brother in more noticeable ways, especially as it'll be running into the chillier months (less bikini's for the Daily Star's front pages), while vying for column inches against X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing.

Big Brother usually has the summer all to itself, but now it's swimming with major competition. It doesn’t stand a chance of winning this battle, especially given its new home, but Channel 5 are just after a steady hit. The launch attracted an impressive 5.1 million viewers, making it Channel 5's fourth most-watched show ever (and the most-watched in 12 years), which is fantastic news for them. I just wonder how far those numbers will drop, as they undoubtedly will.

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER, Channel 5

'Big Brother' returns, on Channel 5

After almost a year of speculation, Channel 5 have confirmed that they're reviving Big Brother, which aired its final series on Channel 4 last summer. C5 have thrashed out a £200m two-year deal with Endemol, after months of negotiations, allowing Big Brother to return with a celebrity special in August, ahead of a regular 13-week run from September. The traditional schedule of a January celebrity special, followed by the regular show in summer will come into effect next year.

It's undoubtedly great news for Channel 5, provided the entirety of Channel 4's dwindled audience accept this new version. It will also help get people to sample 5*, if that's where the Big Brother sister shows like Big Brother's Little Brother and Big Brother's Big Mouth will find themselves. Although it's not known if those formats are part of the deal.

Jeff Ford, Channel 5's Director Of Programmes:

We're hugely excited to have secured the return of Big Brother for Channel 5 which will form a key part of this year's schedule. The series has previously captivated a decade of television viewers and we aim to bring Channel 5's energy, optimism and vibrancy to the series."

Tim Hincks, Endemol Chief Executive:

Big Brother has a passionate and loyal fanbase in the UK and I'm delighted it has found a new home on Channel 5. Ten years on it's as potent and cutting-edge as ever and it's still one of the only truly multi-platform entertainment brands.

But will there be any concessions regarding the quality and content of the show? Can Channel 5 attract the same caliber of famous faces for their celebrity specials? You may scoff at that phrasing, but Channel 4 regularly paid around £250,000 to get a few big names involved. Will C5's pockets be as deep, or should we expect a budget line-up across the board? Whatever happens, surely there won't be a problem finding the usual bunch of crazy, extroverted, fame-hungry wannabes for the regular show.

But there are already a few problems with Channel 5's impatient decision to get the show on-air this year. By launching Big Brother in August with a celebrity special, they'll attract a lot of attention, but will audiences be bored once the celebs are all evicted after a month and the "normal" show begins? Remember how jarring it was last year, when Channel 4 ended Big Brother 11 and went straight into a two-week Ultimate Big Brother send-off with some celebs? It just didn't work. Even for diehard fans, it was overkill. So why are Channel 5 repeating that mistake? It would make more sense to leave the celebrity special for January 2012, a few months after the regular show ends.

Also, if Big Brother 12 starts in September for 13-weeks, that means the series will be airing throughout autumn and into winter. Cold temperatures tend to dictate the kind of outdoor tasks the housemates are given and, to be frank, Channel 4 used to delight in being able to show nubile young men and women sunbathing all day. It sold tabloids and provided something for casual viewers to ogle on the live-stream. There's no chance of much sunscreen being applied from September to November!

Plus, the autumn is a much busier time of the year for TV. Big Brother doesn't have much to compete with much during the summer and post-Christmas, but an autumn broadcast will mean a lot more competition for the show. There's ITV's X Factor, for example, which is bound to steal whatever column inches Big Brother could normally rely on in Heat magazine. Although it helps that Channel 5's new boss Richard Desmond owns a selection of publications, who'll no doubt give Big Brother the kind of coverage it hasn't enjoyed since its early-'00s heyday.

Big Brother will also be returning to its home at Elstree Studios, but Davina McCall is very unlikely to reprise her role as presenter.

What is your reaction to this news? Even if you hate Big Brother, is it great to see a TV show being rescued in this way?

Celebrity Big Brother 2010: Week One

It's the final series of Celebrity Big Brother -- are you watching? I am. It's the perfect show to vent your spleen to on Twitter in the ad breaks, if nothing else. I've always had a soft spot for Big Brother since it started, really. I just find it's good fun if you don't take it too seriously, or obsess too much about what's going on. The winter celebrity version has had its golden moments (politician George Galloway wearing a red leotard, pretending to be a cat by lapping milk from Rula Lenska's open palms, say), but I prefer the main summer show. CBB's a pretty good fix, though, and it helps that it's so short, so we get tasks and twists at a quicker rate. This year's celebs are an odd bunch, as usual...

Stephanie Beacham. The posh ex-Dynasty actress, given to walking around indoors wearing sunglasses and having baths in her nightdress. She's actually the most likeable celeb in the house, fitting in as the "mother hen" and unlikely to ruffle anyone's feathers. A dull matriarch, certainly, but I'm already betting she'll be around until the final.

Stephen Baldwin. CBB's most contentious housemate, for sure. Stephen's one of the lesser-talented Baldwin brothers (i.e, his name's not Alec), and an ex-alcoholic who became a born again Christian to beat the bottle. This means he's allowed to read The Bible for an hour each day, which he insists on doing aloud to his "congregation" of fellow housemates, who are all too polite to tell him to shut up. It bugged me that nobody was willing, or clever enough, to pick holes in Stephen's creationist belief, too -- where he made the ignorant statement that evolution can't be real because why are there still apes around. Answer: humans didn't evolve from chimpanzees, dummy -- we evolved from a different species of "ape"-like creature that now doesn't exist because they're us. The apes we see today are just related to our species.

Vinnie Jones. The most surprising addition to the house this year is undoubtedly "bad boy" footballer-turned-actor Vinnie. As someone with a thriving showbiz career in Hollywood (he's made over 50 films, he claims), it's difficult to see why he's willing to put himself through the BB experience. Maybe he knows he's unlikely to really embarrass himself -- he'll just be himself for a few weeks, then bank the cash. The weird thing is how Vinnie comes across as one of the more intelligent people in the house, which doesn't say much for everyone else.

Sisqó. The Rn'B singer who had a hit with "The Thong Song" about 10 years ago. The most memorable thing he's done so far was reprise said song for a performance before he entered the house (a contractual stipulation?) He seems like a nice enough guy, really -- entertaining the girls by singing in the bedroom -- but he's also very naïve and unexciting.

Heidi Fleiss. The most interesting celebrity, in many ways. She's the ex-Hollywood "Madam" whose prostitution business collapsed, who now resembles a melted wax effigy of Steven Tyler after spending three years in jail, but you have to admire Heidi's morals in refusing to reveal which celebs were on her client list. The bad news is, while Heidi definitely has the most fascinating celebrity life, little of that's coming through on the show. She's shared a few sanitized prison stories, fair enough, but she's mainly just lounged around in bed and bitched about "dork" Stephen behind his back. I'm not sure if she has it in her to become a more extrovert force, but maybe she'll come out of her shell next week.

Dane Bowers. He's one of those unfairly maligned celebs of British culture, who amassed a public image based on distortion. To me, he comes across as well-adjusted and likeable. He's not likely to rock the boat, which is a shame, as he definitely has opinions on Jonas and Stephen that most people at home share.

Jonas. Or "Basshunter", as he's known to dance music fans. A Scandinavian musician and BB aficionado, he's clearly in there because he couldn't refuse the chance to participate in his favourite show. He's actually become one of the main "characters" in the house, because of his "showmance" with Katia, and cowardly refusal to do a secret challenge (put sand in someone's bed to earn Stephanie some luxury bedclothes.) The latter failure resulted in him being punished alongside Sov, both spending hours in a freezing cold task room with his own thumping music on a loop. I think Jonas is quite a spineless, childish man-boy, basically. Topics of discussion he's started involve farting and his chronic masturbation habits as a teenager. Katia seems to appeal to him because she's not embarrassed to break wind in public. It's a match made in heaven.

Nicola T. The obligatory Page 3 model, whom I've never heard of her. I may have seen her boobs in The Sun at some point, I guess. She doesn't look that attractive to me, either. She's quite plain. And, despite the fact she has the "sweet bimbo, young mum" factor preventing you from hating her outright, she's ultimately just very stupid and boring. As Lucy Pinder learned last year, she's facing a swift exit unless she becomes more interesting or, yes, wins Sun reader votes by going topless.

Lady Sovereign. Another singer whose career peaked in the early-'00s, and even then most people didn't notice. Sov's the "chav" of the group, but quite pleasant, and I like how she's one of the few people who vocally rubbish Stephen's preaching. Will she ever do it to his face, though?

Alex Reid. In some ways it's interesting having him in the house, because up until now he's just been a name in the tabloids for me -- the cross-dressing, cage-fighter rebound boyfriend of Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan). He's not quite what I expected, in that he comes across as an undisruptive himbo with a man-crush on Vinnie. But, there's definitely a fame-hungry streak to him, currently being fed by Stephen's insistence he could be "the next James Bond" if he put his mind to it. Alex is definitely in CBB7 for mass exposure and a chance to become famous in his own right, if everything falls apart with Katie in the outside world - which, let's be honest, it's going to.

Katia. Who? Oh, she's the young Kazakhstani ex of wrinkly rocker Ronnie Wood, who lived with the Rolling Stone for a year and helped destroy his marriage, before they themselves split. A fame-hungry Eastern-European opportunist, really, with no sense of shame, manners, or disceranble intellect. It irritates me that she never mentions Ronnie Wood by name, too. Why? Everyone watching knows who she dated. Most of the house know. And if they don't, they can ask someone who does behind your back. Katia's been flirting with Jonas since the start, too, so I'm predicting she'll be around for awhile so viewers see how that plays out.

Ivana Trump. I find it truly bewildering that Ivana, a multi-millionaire businesswoman, has even agreed to go into the CBB house. I can only assume she hasn't ever seen the show, and has bought into the idea that the experience will provide her with a level of UK fame to exploit in 2010. She's already dropping hints that she plans to write a book about being in the house, which is destined to flop if she ever did. I can't see her being a particularly interesting or amusing housemate, so for now her presence is just very strange. I hope I'm proved wrong about her, but I'm predicting a foreign version of Stephanie Beacham with no common sense. She already had problems entering the Diary Room's sliding door.

Bye-bye, Big Brother!

Big Brother's days are numbered. Channel 4 confirmed today that their long-running reality show will come to an end after its eleventh series next summer. Celebrity Big Brother is also being axed after its next series in January. The channel stand to free up £50 million to spend in other areas, which they'll need to fill a 200-hour gap in its summer schedule...

Kevin Lygo, Channel 4's Director of Television:

"Big Brother is still commercially viable but it's at a level now where the new programmes we commission, if we're optimistic, can do as well. If we were a purely commercial station, we probably wouldn't be axing it, but beating at the heart of C4 is a desire to do new things. We ought to be able to bring a new range of shows in that get 2 to 3 million viewers. The audience is very discerning and we owe it to them to give them new stuff. The channel's always gambled commercially. The creative challenge is more interesting than a sure commercial bland bet."

"Cancelling Big Brother does not solve Channel 4's funding issues, this year we've nearly £125m less to spend on programmes than we did a couple of years ago and budgets for next year may have to be reduced further. However, assuming advertising revenues stop deteriorating at some point, we should have greater flexibility in how we spend our commissioning budget. The significant sums that have been committed to Big Brother in the past should now be available to boost budgets in genres, such as drama, that have had to be cut back sharply during the downturn."

I'm not surprised by this news. I even welcome it, speaking as a loyal Big Brother fan who's still watching the show. Fact is, BB has run its course, even if there's still much to enjoy about it. Anyway, take heart BB anoraks: Big Brother is the kind of malleable format that isn't likely to disappear forever. I wouldn't be surprised if a digital channel pick it up from Endemol for a knock-down price^*, or it's revived in 10 years time.

This is all great news if you hate Big Brother, though. According to Broadcast, Channel 4 are already planning to increase their drama budget as a result of Big Brother's cancellation, from £10m to £20m in 2011.

* Update: Five, Sky1 and ITV2 have now ruled out bidding for Big Brother's format when it becomes available in 2011.

State of the Blog: Big Brother, Virgin+, phones, etc.

Right, so. I'm still watching BIG BROTHER 10 and enjoying it more than the media want me to, so rumours of its demise are a little exaggerated. Last night's suitably insane Alice In Wonderland task was hilarious. David looking like a flabby Mr Incredible in his red leotard, Marcus resembling King Rollo, and Hira going nuts after eating a gigantic cake. And then levelheaded Freddie finally cracked and laid into Lisa and David after they started grouching about the fact Marcus and Siavash's rule-breaking meant the whole house were up for eviction...

While it'll never be the gossip-magnet it was when 24/7 surveillance gave viewers an automatic, voyeuristic thrill, it's still essentially a show about PEOPLE. And people are interesting and funny. Hence, BB still is, too. I could do with more tasks and surprises, but watching men fall at the feet of Noirin (to be devoured and spat out when a more succulant fly got stuck in her web), has been more entertaining than a lot of scripted drama recently. But yes, I hope they give it a rest after next year. Don't axe it outright, but we need a break.

After some indecision, I've also decided to get VIRGIN+ now that they have 6 HD channels to their credit, and more to come in the autumn, a little birdie tells me. I was a little astonished to discover that their advertised price of £99 for a V+ box only comes at THAT price if you keep your existing digibox and pay them £9 p/month for the privilege. Obviously, I don't want to do that, so the V+ box price rockets to £150. Something to consider there, if you're debating whether or not to get Virgin or upgrade for their HD content now. It's a bit odd that V+ remains so pricey, when Sky+ are dishing out HD digiboxes for £49. But I guess Sky make back a lot more cash from every subscriber to cover their initial loss.

I'm also searching around for a new MOBILE PHONE. It must be: PAYG, touch-screen, with a camera-phone, network unlocked, and a decent make. I was drawn to the LG Arena, but a few things put me off that one. The Nokia 5800 also looks very good. Both have their pro's and con's, of course, but does anyone have any hands-on experience with these products?

I'm not 100% sure what's on TV for the rest of August, but I'm guessing not a lot. So, I'll be continuing my TWIN PEAKS and CHUCK reviews every week -- although I'm taking a break from Twin Peaks this week, to give readers a chance to catch-up with me. How's it going? Elsewhere, NURSE JACKIE and HUNG reviews have pretty much bitten the dust, because I'm not enthusiastic enough and most readers aren't likely to care.

I'm also slowly getting through season 1 of SIX FEET UNDER, so may have a full review up when I complete that. I'm in no rush, so it could be months away yet. I also purchased season 2 of CARNIVALE from Lovefilm.com (for the bargain price of £18), so I may review that HBO series one day soon. I have no plans to continue my retro reviews of THE PRISONER, despite managing to squeeze one out for "Checkmate" because I was high on the remake's excellent teaser. But who knows, whenever inspiration hits, a few more may filter through from brain to blog.

And that's pretty much it. A quiet day today, so feel free to stir up some discussion about whatever you like, if you feel like it.

Box-Eyed: True Blood, You Have Been Watching & Big Brother 10

In this week's Box-Eyed column over at Newslite.tv, I take a quick look at True Blood on FX, Charlie Brooker's You Have Been Watching and Big Brother 10.

"You can be forgiven for forgetting that BIG BROTHER is on this summer, as the tenth series is being ignored by a media that's decided everyone's bored with the decade-old reality show, has lost its live-feed on E4, and has also been unfortunately overshadowed by news events like the politician's expenses scandal, swine flu and the death of Michael Jackson." Continue reading...

BIG BROTHER 10: Better

See? You just had to give it a few weeks to warm up. Okay, so Big Brother 10's clearly not going to be a classic run, and the absence of a live-feed (while financially understandable) has killed a lot of BB10's "dip in" appeal, but... there are four reasons to stick with it now....

Those are: Noirin, Sree, Marcus and Halfwit, a foursome that are rescuing BB10 from being a BB4-style dud. The first three are part of a bizarre "love-triangle" that makes you feel sorry for object of affection Noirin. She's easily the most likeable girl in the house (as Sophie and Karli are bimbo cartoons), but for some reason the Irish honey's only attracted the attention of Mowgli, Wolverine and a Russian lesbian.

Man-child Sree is besotted with Noirin, but the fact she isn't interested never gets through. He seems obsessed with having reconciliatory "chats" whenever his flirting crosses the line, or he's irritated her into giving him the cold shoulder. He's always there; grinning in denial when faced with her frosty response, dancing with other girls in an effort to make Noirin jealous, following her around like a lovesick puppy, or having tête-à-tête's that are ways for him to get a hug at the end.

Marcus is likewise infatuated with Noirin, but seems determined to keep things on a matter-of-fact level. Or else he's just incapable of pushing the issue into a serious realm. He just likes to remind her that he thinks she's the Sexiest Girl In The House every few hours. I think he half-expects her to ravish him at the slightest compliment, but Noirin has no feelings for Marcus either.

A side problem is the fact Noirin's admirers hate each other's guts. Marcus has a form of Tourettes that makes him say things like "now don't fuck it up, you little shit!" to Sree, immediately after a new task is issued by Big Brother. He then wonders why Sree gets upset and can have an argument about why he's within his rights to speak to him like that.

Admittedly, Sree does have the attention span of a gnat. Marcus gets frustrated when he's forced to work with Sree during a task. Really, I think Marcus is a control-freak who knows he can't exert control over any of the guy's around him beyond boyish Sree, because he's essentially a rather tragic bully. So, Sree bares the full brunt of his beserker outrage.

And now Russian lesbian Angel has apparently fallen head-over-heels for Noirin, after drunkenly snogging her one evening. Suddenly, Sree and Marcus look rather palatable as would-be boyfriends. Angel is crazy but in a dull way. Her most interesting moments have included "starving" herself (with egg-juice and spaghetti sauce her only sustenance), skinny-dipping in the pool, and snogging Halfwit. Mind you, the prospect of her trying to turn Noirin's head has its appeal, as she's bound to be more forthright and experienced when it comes to such things. Noirin can avoid Marcus' flirts and ignore Sree, but how will she cope with an infatuated lesbian eccentric?

Moving on, Halfwit (aka Freddie) is a comedy caricature I can hardly believe is a real person. He must be Sacha Baron Cohen's latest stunt, surely. He's a posh hippy with a face that mixes Derren Brown with James Dreyfuss, and is the biggest tit we've had in the house since... well, last year's tit. He's also harmless, unintentionally amusing and blissfully unaware of his annoying traits (moaning in orgasm while eating, launching into a show tune for no apparent reason.) He's a spaced-out grinning tool, certainly, but he's at least embracing the experience and (in his best moment so far), decided to keep his BB-imposed nickname of "Halfwit" and instead let Noirin remove the glasses and moustache she's been forced to draw on her face. Don't ask.

Everyone else has only made a minor impression on me. Kris is the bland hunky-boy, mightily pleased that he's wooed big-boobed Sophie for poolside smooches; Charlie's likeable and goodhearted, but also an exasperating himbo; Lisa's just a normal Brummie beyond her pink Mohawk; Scottish lassie Karli's unable to pronounce the letter "t" (I particularly cringe when she says the word "any'hing"); Rodrigo seems to have escaped into the real world from a Disney cartoon; Siavash is more amiable than I expected, with a hairier arse than Chewbacca; and Sophie is sweeter than sweetex, if consequently a little tedious. You can see her mentally spending the money she'll make from her inevitable lad's mag photoshoot.


Channel 4, various

BIG BROTHER 10: Hopeful

Big Brother's Live Launch kicked off last night @9pm (although, considering it was broad daylight outside the House, how LIVE was it?), and it went much better than expected. It was a shame the ratings were the lowest for a BB launch ever, at 4.7m viewers. To put that into perspective, BB9 got 5.31m last year and BB5 holds the record with 7.23m...

But it was a decent launch, all said. Davina McCall wasn't half as annoying as she usually is (is middle-age having an effect finally?), her interminable tour of the new house was mercifully short (because the house was reduced to just one locked room), and because there were 16 may housemates (or "hopefuls") to get through the 90-minute opener had to keep pace.

But enough of that. All anyone's interested in are venting snap judgements about this year's contestants; 16 people who aren't "official" housemates yet, as each will have to prove themselves worthy of admission to the BB experience by Sunday.

Freddie
A 23-year-old posh student from Oxford. Looks a little like Derren Brown in a Davy Crockett hat. Derren Crockett? Got booed by the crowd, but that means nothing this early on. They'd boo returning war heroes from Iraq if someone gave them a banner to hold.

Lisa
A 41-year-old Brummie lesbian with a red Mohican haircut. Her video makes her out to be some kind of sexual predator, ruthlessly turning straight girls gay with her... well, it can't be her looks. Does she scare them into it? Rohypnol and hypnotism?

Sophie
The first unquestionable hottie that has Heat's staff making room in their diaries. The 20-year-old Cheshire model claims she's clever, then immediately raves about her 30FF boob job, reveals she's posed for Playboy, and is clichéd enough to have a pet Chihuahua.


Kris
A 24-year-old "visual merchandiser". So, what, he sells televisions and glasses? A dull pretty boy with a whiff of Russell Brand about him.




Noirin
A 25-year-old retail manager from Dublin who says she flashed her lady bits in a club. Classy. Her name sounds like a cough medicine, but she looks a bit like Freema Agyeman. So, quite pretty, and may have something to offer.


Cairon
American 18-year-old from Florida with another silly name; this one is a chemical element, I think. Has a mini-afro, says he'd dress as a pimp to a fancy dress party.



Angel
The first utterly insane housemate is Russian boxer-cum-artist Angel, who has chosen to dress like a schoolgirl Willy Wonka. Insane. And therefore worth keeping in. Funnily enough, she's single.



Karly
Our first bimbo with no redeeming qualities, whose ambition is to marry a footballer and was stupid enough to be tricked into posing nude. Now that's a Real Hustle episode I want to see! The 21-year-old FHM High Street Honey is unemployed.

Marcus
A self-proclaimed Wolverine look-alike (i.e, he has mutton chops and wears a white T-shirt) who's the group's token geek. The 35-year-old seems quite nice, but you can't trust a man with a ponytail. Especially a window-fitter.


Beinazir
Now, I KNOW that's a medicine. Pakistani Muslim woman who says she looks like Amy Winehouse, but is more like the funhouse mirror of Shilpa Shetty. A poetry buff and youth worker who hates reality TV. Right then.

Sophia
Diminutive banking assistant and a more comprehensible version of BB9's Katreya, perhaps? Undid her video's good work by squealing constantly during her walk-in. Ugh.


Rodrigo
23-year-old Italian-Brazilian with a terrible yellow-checked shirt who says England has offered him fantastic opportunities but is turning him gay. He's bisexual currently. The most likeable housemate already, actually.


Charlie
Gay Geordie popstar-wannabe who would consider Botox. A Mr Gay UK heat-winner who faced trauma as a kid when he accidentally left his dog outside to freeze to death and tried to revive his dead pooch with a hair dryer!


Saffia
Nottingham beautician and single mum of two kids who generally dislikes people. Such a great idea to go on BB, then! Believes in cosmic ordering.



Sree
25-year-old Student Union Elected President from Indian with an ambition to be Prime Minister. Bored now. He fancies Beyonce.



Siavash
The Love Guru crossed with Teen Wolf. An events organizer, which is one of those jobs created by dimwits and means they can phone caterers on your behalf. Fashion conscious(!), not well endowed and blows bubbles with his spit. I'm sure all this is on his CV.


So that's everyone. But, as I mentioned, the twist to this opening show was in revealing how the 16 people aren't even housemates yet. Rodrigo volunteered to go into the Diary Room, where he was told how everyone must prove themselves worthy of housemate status. He then had 4 minutes to tell the others, then get someone to shave their eyebrows off and draw a moustache and glasses on their face in permanent marker.

Nairon was the unexpected volunteer wanting to earn her housemate stripes, although she wasn't told she'd have to keep the marker pen scrawling on her face for three whole days. But never mind. She did it. After a lot of effort because Rodrigo didn't really grasp specifics about the task, so it all got a bit messy and confused. A prime example of why BB stopped doing live tasks after BB4; it's just too much of a pain trying to keep things moving on live TV with ad-breaks interrupting, and an uncomfortable experience for the viewers. Another reason why the highlights episodes are preferable to the live-feed -- they streamline very messy, boring content into something half-watchable at least.


4 June 2009
Channel 4, 9pm

Will you be watching Big Brother 10?

It's the tenth anniversary of Big Brother. Yes, for a whole decade our summers have been spent watching strangers live together in a house. Well, for some of us. Time well spent? Probably not. I'm not a gibbering freak who watches the E4 live-feed, Big Mouth and Little Brother, but I do tune into the evening's highlights package quite often. I tend to drift in and out, though (particularly for the first 3 weeks) -- and it only ever becomes regular viewing if something interesting is going on (like watching Rex and Nicole's bizarre relationship last year, say.).

Anyway, here's a press release about BB10, which sheds some light on what housemates (or "hopefuls"...) can expect in the first three days:

The wait is nearly over. [Tonight] at 9pm live on Channel 4, Big Brother will celebrate a decade on the air with the arrival of 8 men and 8 women who each have a plan to entertain us over the summer months and leave the house victorious (and £100,000 richer).

Those entering the house could potentially spend up to 13 weeks in the Big Brother house but in true Big Brother style they won’t be allowed to get too comfortable. Within minutes of them all arriving, Big Brother will reveal to viewers and those in the house that they are not yet official housemates and will not get access to the full Big Brother house.

All hopeful housemates will have to individually earn their housemate status over the next three days by completing tasks set by Big Brother. Each task has been designed to challenge the hopefuls' fears and pride and some will require them to go head to head against one another in a bid to become a bone fide housemate.

Only once the 'hopefuls' have successfully completed a task and been granted housemate status will they be allowed access to the 'real' Big Brother house. Until then they will only be able to access the living room (void of any creature comforts), a toilet and the garden.

Hopefuls won't get access to their suitcases and will be forced to spend their first night sleeping on the living room floor. Bathing will be a bath in the garden which can only be filled by carrying cold water in a hole-ridden bucket across the garden.

All 16 people entering the house have been in hiding for the past few weeks. All that is being revealed before the launch is that the 16 are the most diverse group yet, with hopeful housemates from a wide range of countries and backgrounds. The eldest is 40 and the youngest is 18.

The show kicks off at 9pm tonight with the excruciatingly terrible Davina McCall, who will no doubt be pulling faces and shrieking into camera with fake enthusiasm.

Are you going to watch? Just out of curiosity? Are you a BB fanatic, or do you hate this show with a passion? Do you detest it, but find yourself sucked in? Or do you think it actually has merit because it sometimes raises issues that causes national debate (like the racism row in the Celebrity edition a few years ago)?

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Ulrika-ka-ka-ka!

What a bizarre decision. Ulrika Jonsson, easily the most miserable celebrity in the Big Brother house, who allegedly negotiated a stellar £170,000 fee to appear, somehow wins the whole thing? To be honest, it was a pretty thin choice on the last day, but surely Terry Christian should have won? Y'know, the guy who actually subverted our expectations that he's an irritating loudmouth, for the most part? I know some people thought Vern Troyer should win, but that was more down to some kind of "sizeist guilt". He actually did very little (no pun intended) in the house, although his drunken scooter moment was one of very few highlights this year.

I mean, come on, beyond her very funny duet with Vern two weeks ago, can you think of anything Ulrika did to deserve a win? Maybe that's just what happens on Big Brother now: the person who least annoys the audience walks away victorious? It worked for inoffensively boring Rachel Rice on BB9 last summer. It just confuses me that voters think the woman being paid a fortune to sit around and grumble about not seeing her kids deserved to win this!

Celebrity Big Brother '09: Get Physical

My apologies to anyone who expected more posts about Celebrity Big Brother 2009, but last week was quite busy (on the blog, and in real life), so I haven't had much time to write anything. The celebs have been in the house for 10 days now, so let's assess 'em -- in ascending order of who should win.

Mutya Buena: Dear, oh dear. She looks like a bundle of fun and street attitude, but she's actually an introverted, sour-faced bore. Has she done or said anything since unpacking?

Tina Malone: The producers wanted a loud, gobby scouser... and they got their wish. She's yet to erupt, but hopefully Mount Malone's lava will flow in Coolio's direction when she does. A strange one, really: sometimes I find her straight-talking and working class cheekiness refreshing and entertaining... sometimes, she's just an irritating old boot.

Tommy Sheridan: The only man willing to stand up to Coolio (about his "ho's, bitches, women" speech), and the Scottish politician hasn't done much to upset anyone. I can tell he's opinionated and could be explosive if angered, but nobody's really pushing him enough yet. He's just a bit deluded about viewers thinking there's a vibe between him and Michelle! As if.

LaToya Jackson: A cross between a chimp and a Pekinese dog, but twice as bewildered by human society. As shy, squeaky-voiced and private as we expected. But... she is slowly defrosting day by day, and seems generally quite nice. Her only failing in BB terms is how boring she is as a housemate. A fact not counteracted by any particularly funny showbiz stories. For a Jackson, she's just not nutty enough -- although her Coolie impression while dressed as a jester was a brief highlight.

Ben Adams: A very nice guy, but a continually boring housemate. Even when he's stung by a comment (usually from Coolio, about him fancying Michelle), he'll let it slide to keep the peace. I can totally understand his attitude and approach to things (the "we're only here for a few weeks, so it's not worth the agro" stance), but it makes for deathly-dull entertainment. A possibility to win, though, because BB winners are usually a normal person we reward for putting up with all the madness.

Coolio: The undisputed star this year, but only because he's the only one ill-mannered enough to annoy everyone just to entertain himself. Fun to watch, but an obvious nightmare to live with. I hope he doesn't win, but I want him to stay for as long as possible. Imagine how boring it would be without Coolio's inappropriate sexual conversations, ghetto tales, flatulence, old lady impressions, loudness, and shit-stirring?

Ulrika Jonsson: Vain, self-critical, and sometimes aloof. But, considering I thought Ulrika had devolved into a trampy non-entity just a few months ago, I'm surprised by how well she's coming across. She's fine, really. A bit bland, but there you go. She also seems to be ageing backwards in the house. Wathergirl Ulrika circa 1993 may be leaving the house in a few weeks.

Verne Troyer: As the few UK fans of The Surreal Life will know, Verne was put into CBB to be the bizarre and outrageous one (he got paralytic and drove his buggy around naked in one infamous episode.) But, nothing like that has has happened on CBB. No, he's just very likeable and giggly guy. His incredibly small stature hasn't dominated how he's perceived, and he's a real possibility to win. I wish he'd actually do more, though, but I understand he's physically limited and a bit overawed by it all.

Michelle Heaton: Surprisingly, I really like her. She was the least talented member of Liberty X and has spent her post-X career getting married on reality TV and appearing in lad's mags. I had a preconception about her, but she's actually incredibly sweet and down-to-earth. She's a bit too sensitive, and turns on the waterworks too much, but I think she'd be great fun if she had livelier housemates in there with her. But Ulrika, Tina and Mutya are wet blankets, really -- and the evicted Lucy Pinder proved to be disappointingly prim and posh for a glamour model. Oh, and I will admit to looking at Michelle's firm bum during the "Call On Me" '80s dance task.

Terry Christian: I suspected it when he first entered the house, and Terry's proving me spot-on correct: he's actually a nice, trustworthy, funny bloke. Even Terry believes he's an irritating and dislikeable person after being described that way by the press since his his '90s heyday... but it's just not true. Okay, he was a cocky git on The Word, but that was over 15 years ago! In the house, he's pretty normal, mannered, and knowledgeable. A history lesson he gave to Coolio and Verne at 1am (covering European conflicts from the 1500s and the discovery of America) was a surprisingly good listen. See, BB can be informative and educational! He's still my pick to win, as I can't think of anyone who could defeat him in a public vote. And I still can't believe he's 48 years old! He looks about 36.

Celebrity Big Brother 2009: Live Launch

That's it; Christmas is officially over. I know this because Celebrity Big Brother's back, so peace on earth and goodwill to all men just can't co-exist. I'm not sure there's a huge audience for Big Brother-related posts here at DMD, as previous ones rarely inspire many comments. But, I quite enjoy writing them, so expect occasionally commentary on CBB09 over the next three weeks...

The Live Launch was introduced by an errant Cybershade from Doctor Who's Christmas Special. Oh no, it's Davina McCall. Silly me. An easy mistake to make with that shaggy top she was wearing, but the facial gurning and disingenuous statements are the give-away. Davina accrued street cred with her fabulous turn as a zombie in Dead Set last October, but all that's forgotten within two-minutes of her half-drunk, hip auntie routine. Awful.

First into the house was LaToya Jackson, older sister of Michael Jackson. It's enough to justify using Jacko hits at the backing track to her entrance VT, anyway. I guess her brother Germaine (a previous CBB occupant) must have recommended this as a great experience? What a sense of humour! Amusingly, LaToya heads straight to the Private Bedroom and marks her territory by putting a bag on the bed. Like Germaine, she'll probably surprise and disappoint us by being the quiet and only slightly eccentric. The producers seem to believe everyone related to Wacko Jacko's going to be a total fruitcake, but that's never really been the case.

Second in was Mutya Buena -- which sounds like a German brand of chocolates, but is actually a former-Sugababe. She's boo'd by the crowd as she enters, weirdly. I mean, how dare she choose to focus on bringing up her young daughter instead of cough-up albums with the other 'babes! Mutya has a rather alarming look (covered in studs and tattoo's), but she seems okay. I think her attitude will be entertaining.

Third up is Verne Troyer (a.k.a Mini Me from the Austin Powers films), who engenders lots of cheers from the crowd because nobody wants to "boo" a midget, do they? Or whatever the PC term is these days. Little person? Is dwarf back in favour? Amusingly, Verne has to enter the house via a cat-flap sized door on ground level, before being handed a suitcase that threatened to squash him. So far, with his toothy grin and tendency to giggle, he's the most likeable celeb. Not sure I'd label him "cute", as many people do, though.

Tommy Sheridan is the first housemate whose celebrity status is probably even lost on his mother, too. Apparently he's a Scottish politician who became "infamous" for leading a few riots against the Poll Tax in the early-'90s. He's clearly intended to be the George Galloway of CBB09, but it doesn't help that nobody knows who he is. Still, he seems decent enough on first impressions. I sense he'll be after the Alpha Male status, which is sure to cause some aggro.

It's time for the obligatory saucepot, in the form of Page 3 model Lucy Pinder and her inflatable chest. Predictably, Lucy tells us she's going to shatter preconceptions about bimbo models. That's why she's on CBB, y'see -- it's not for the money! She supposedly has 11 GCSE's (all graded F?) Oh well, despite a mildly irritating and slightly posh voice, she's great to look at. But with no chance of any sunbathing in sub-zero January, I'm not sure how long she'll last as a pretty face.

Ben Adams is up next. You might not know the name, but... oh, okay, you won't know the face either! He was the lead singer of late-'90s boy-band A1 -- you remember. The pretty-boy with the hair curtains. He actually comes across very well on his VT and gets lots of cheers from the crowd to prove that. A down-to-earth guy, it would seem. An early contender to win? The nice ones always win BB, don't they?

Okay, what we need is battleaxe to cause some arguments and counteract the feminine loveliness of Ms. Pinder. Hey presto, here comes Tina Malone – a self-described "fat scouser" best known from acting in Brookside and Shameless -- unless you don't watch Brookside or Shameless. Like me. A battleaxe, then.

Coolio is the third American to have been persuaded to participate in this TV circus. The mid-'90s rapper who gave us Gangsta's Paradise earns applause as he exits his car, and entered the house in a generally agreeable manner. These tough-looking gangsters are often pussycats underneath the bravado and bling, so expect him to become a favourite to make the final, too. Unless he's an arse.

Ninth into the house is Michelle Heaton, formerly of Liberty X. Her career since the group split has mainly involved reality shows (like marrying Andy Scott-Lee on MTV), so she knows the drill. She's quite attractive and agreeable, but doesn't look likely to make a big impact. She'll probably just sit back and get voted out when we've grown tired of her.

Housemate number ten is early-'90s TV presenter Terry Christian of The Word fame, who now revels in his reputation as a northern twat. Weird thing is, he's always come across as quite a funny and humble bloke to me. I wouldn't be surprised if CBB actually does his career some good, when people realize he's just a self-deprecating, slightly cocky bloke trying to earn a crust. Good luck to him, I say. He's already become the first Head Of House, so we'll be seeing him until week 2 at least.

And the final celeb to the showbiz slaughter is Swede Ulrika Jonsson; trying to resurrect her '90s TV career after starring in that Shooting Stars anniversary special at Christmas. She looks a lot less trampy than she did there, but the crowd could sense the last-ditch desperation in Ulrika's presence, so she was roundly boo'd. But she's my pick for the celeb most likely to change your opinion of her, though.

So there you have it. Let the bickering, tantrums, fights, sulkiness and embarassment commence. Do you have an early favourite? Who's first for the chop? Will you even be watching?


2 January 2009
Channel 4, 9pm