BIG BROTHER 10: Hopeful

Big Brother's Live Launch kicked off last night @9pm (although, considering it was broad daylight outside the House, how LIVE was it?), and it went much better than expected. It was a shame the ratings were the lowest for a BB launch ever, at 4.7m viewers. To put that into perspective, BB9 got 5.31m last year and BB5 holds the record with 7.23m...

But it was a decent launch, all said. Davina McCall wasn't half as annoying as she usually is (is middle-age having an effect finally?), her interminable tour of the new house was mercifully short (because the house was reduced to just one locked room), and because there were 16 may housemates (or "hopefuls") to get through the 90-minute opener had to keep pace.

But enough of that. All anyone's interested in are venting snap judgements about this year's contestants; 16 people who aren't "official" housemates yet, as each will have to prove themselves worthy of admission to the BB experience by Sunday.

Freddie
A 23-year-old posh student from Oxford. Looks a little like Derren Brown in a Davy Crockett hat. Derren Crockett? Got booed by the crowd, but that means nothing this early on. They'd boo returning war heroes from Iraq if someone gave them a banner to hold.

Lisa
A 41-year-old Brummie lesbian with a red Mohican haircut. Her video makes her out to be some kind of sexual predator, ruthlessly turning straight girls gay with her... well, it can't be her looks. Does she scare them into it? Rohypnol and hypnotism?

Sophie
The first unquestionable hottie that has Heat's staff making room in their diaries. The 20-year-old Cheshire model claims she's clever, then immediately raves about her 30FF boob job, reveals she's posed for Playboy, and is clichéd enough to have a pet Chihuahua.


Kris
A 24-year-old "visual merchandiser". So, what, he sells televisions and glasses? A dull pretty boy with a whiff of Russell Brand about him.




Noirin
A 25-year-old retail manager from Dublin who says she flashed her lady bits in a club. Classy. Her name sounds like a cough medicine, but she looks a bit like Freema Agyeman. So, quite pretty, and may have something to offer.


Cairon
American 18-year-old from Florida with another silly name; this one is a chemical element, I think. Has a mini-afro, says he'd dress as a pimp to a fancy dress party.



Angel
The first utterly insane housemate is Russian boxer-cum-artist Angel, who has chosen to dress like a schoolgirl Willy Wonka. Insane. And therefore worth keeping in. Funnily enough, she's single.



Karly
Our first bimbo with no redeeming qualities, whose ambition is to marry a footballer and was stupid enough to be tricked into posing nude. Now that's a Real Hustle episode I want to see! The 21-year-old FHM High Street Honey is unemployed.

Marcus
A self-proclaimed Wolverine look-alike (i.e, he has mutton chops and wears a white T-shirt) who's the group's token geek. The 35-year-old seems quite nice, but you can't trust a man with a ponytail. Especially a window-fitter.


Beinazir
Now, I KNOW that's a medicine. Pakistani Muslim woman who says she looks like Amy Winehouse, but is more like the funhouse mirror of Shilpa Shetty. A poetry buff and youth worker who hates reality TV. Right then.

Sophia
Diminutive banking assistant and a more comprehensible version of BB9's Katreya, perhaps? Undid her video's good work by squealing constantly during her walk-in. Ugh.


Rodrigo
23-year-old Italian-Brazilian with a terrible yellow-checked shirt who says England has offered him fantastic opportunities but is turning him gay. He's bisexual currently. The most likeable housemate already, actually.


Charlie
Gay Geordie popstar-wannabe who would consider Botox. A Mr Gay UK heat-winner who faced trauma as a kid when he accidentally left his dog outside to freeze to death and tried to revive his dead pooch with a hair dryer!


Saffia
Nottingham beautician and single mum of two kids who generally dislikes people. Such a great idea to go on BB, then! Believes in cosmic ordering.



Sree
25-year-old Student Union Elected President from Indian with an ambition to be Prime Minister. Bored now. He fancies Beyonce.



Siavash
The Love Guru crossed with Teen Wolf. An events organizer, which is one of those jobs created by dimwits and means they can phone caterers on your behalf. Fashion conscious(!), not well endowed and blows bubbles with his spit. I'm sure all this is on his CV.


So that's everyone. But, as I mentioned, the twist to this opening show was in revealing how the 16 people aren't even housemates yet. Rodrigo volunteered to go into the Diary Room, where he was told how everyone must prove themselves worthy of housemate status. He then had 4 minutes to tell the others, then get someone to shave their eyebrows off and draw a moustache and glasses on their face in permanent marker.

Nairon was the unexpected volunteer wanting to earn her housemate stripes, although she wasn't told she'd have to keep the marker pen scrawling on her face for three whole days. But never mind. She did it. After a lot of effort because Rodrigo didn't really grasp specifics about the task, so it all got a bit messy and confused. A prime example of why BB stopped doing live tasks after BB4; it's just too much of a pain trying to keep things moving on live TV with ad-breaks interrupting, and an uncomfortable experience for the viewers. Another reason why the highlights episodes are preferable to the live-feed -- they streamline very messy, boring content into something half-watchable at least.


4 June 2009
Channel 4, 9pm