DIRT 2.7 - "In Lieu Of Flowers"

Writer: Bart Baker
Director: Chris Long

Cast: Courteney Cox (Lucy), Ian Hart (Don), Alexa Breckenridge (Willa), Josh Stewart (Holt), Will McCormack (Leo Spiller), Ashley Johnson (Sharlee), Ryan Eggold (Farber Kauffman) & Tim Peper (Mitchell Bianchi)

Lucy faces a family tragedy, Don becomes a hero, and Farber tries to protect a friend...

Another casualty of the US writers' strike, Dirt ends its intended 13-episode season with just the seventh episode. To make matters worse, "In Lieu Of Flowers" acts not only as the season finale, but the series ender, too -- as Courteney Cox recently confirmed Dirt has been cancelled. I can't say I'm surprised, as season 2 was a textbook example of a show shooting itself in the foot...

Death is in the air this week, as Lucy (Cox) has to identify the body of publisher Brent Barrow -- who was asphyxiated by fumes from his sports car after arriving home drunk and falling asleep in the garage with the engine running. Now blue-skinned and with an erection, Brent's end is fitting and darkly humorous. Even the slimeball's funeral shows how little people cared, with one man giving a eulogy calling him "Brett". Strangely, only playboy millionaire Adam Proteau (Julian Acosta) seems genuinely upset Brent's gone, despite only knowing him a few weeks. It seems he viewed Brent as a kindred spirit.

Later, Lucy receives news that her mother has died during plastic surgery -- so sets off with brother Leo (Will McCormack) to threaten her incompetent surgeon with exposure for malpractice in DirtNow unless he makes her corpse look beautiful and becomes her new contact for celebrity clientele.

Don (Ian Hart) becomes a hero, as he saves Sharlee's (Ashley Johnson) baby after the harassed pop princess accidentally locks her son inside her SUV and watches helplessly as the vehicle rolls down the street. As gangs of paparazzo take snaps of the unfurling horror, only Don actually does anything to help -- smashing the window and leaping inside to apply the brakes. It's a moment of heroism Lucy chooses to acknowledge by making Don's good deed DirtNow's latest cover-story.

There's also a little subplot for a celebrity based on Kirstie Alley, whose fluctuating weight is the latest hot gossip every magazine wants a piece of. It doesn't really go anywhere very interesting, although the scene where she starts spraying the intrusive paps with pepper spray was amusing.

Lucy and Holt (Josh Stewart) also grow closer, although Lucy is initially reticent to let Holt comfort her over her mother's passing. But still, in the end, he gives her an ultimatum about where their relationship is heading, and she decides to let him into her life -- fully.

Finally, Farber (Ryan Eggold) promises to help a closeted gay friend stay out of the tabloids, after he was caught getting oral sex from a man. Unfortunately, Willa gets hold of the story behind Farber's back and runs with it.

There was enough going on to make this an easy episode to watch, especially compared to the recent clunkers, but Dirt is so full of bad creative decisions it's painful. Despite the fact Lucy's brother made a return, the fact he killed Julia Mallory by hitting her with his car wasn't brought up, or even alluded to. It's like the writers just don't want to go down that route, which is maddening as it would actually be very interesting -- y'know, Lucy's brother killed her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Maybe there were plans for this to be returned to, but the fact it wasn't even mentioned in the first 7 episodes (of an intended 13) makes me think the writers were happy to ignore it.

Still, at least someone remembered Brent Barrow's sex tapes. Julian finds them and gives the one marked "LUCY" to Lucy, who plays it and finds Willa dressed as her (well, in a black wig) ready to insert a wine bottle into Brent's behind. While it was nice to see the Willa/Brent thing returned to, wasn't last year's inference over the "LUCY" tape actually in preparation of Brent bedding Lucy one day? A bit of a ret-con, I reckon.

But really, Dirt's second season is typified by mystifying story decisions: why is Julian's relationship with Lucy so rosy? That's boring. He was introduced as if he was going to be the thorn in Lucy's side -- but that never happened. And why kill Lucy's mother, off-screen? It carried no dramatic weight. Why kill her anyway? Maybe the actress wasn't interested in returning, but it could still have been handled better. Also, despite the fact making Don "normal" marked some progression and development for him, it also took away a lot of the unpredictability and energetic charge Don had in season 1.

Basically, season 2 was a mess. Nothing developed plausibly, or went anywhere interesting. I'm sure problems were exacerbated by the writers' strike, but there was no clear direction or sense of control at any stage whatsoever. The characters all became uninteresting and laborious to watch, while the decision to abandon season 1's edgier style (and just repackage reality with broad parodies of celebs) was a disaster.

What was the point of Don's brother? Why bother killing Lucy's mother? Why didn’t they go with the Leo/Julia hit-and-run story? Why did the writers decide to make Julian an ally of Lucy? Was anyone interested in seeing Lucy and Holt get back together -- really? Why did Lucy fool around with that Ted guy for a few episodes? Was the Don/Sharlee relationship ever going anywhere? Questions, questions, questions. And now, no answers. Dirt is cancelled. I enjoyed season 1 as a guilty pleasure, but season 2 marked a massive downturn in quality. I stuck with it, because I knew it was only 7 episodes long, but if you ever need a reference point for a TV show that failed to capitalize on its momentum in season 2, and destroyed itself by trying to "evolve" -- look no further.

Hopefully Ian Hart, Courteney Cox and Alexa Breckenridge will go onto bigger and better things as actors, but as exec-producer Cox has to share the blame for how awkward and badly-written Dirt became.


9 June 2008
Fiver, 9.00 pm

DIRT 2.6 – "And The Winner Is..."

Writer: Albert Kim
Director: Tricia Brock

Cast: Josh Stewart (Holt), Courteney Cox (Lucy), Ian Hart (Don), Alex Breckenridge (Willa), Julian Acosta (Adam Proteau), Ashley Johnson (Sharlee), Ryan Eggold (Farber), Jeffrey Nordling (Brent Barrow), Rosanna Arquette (Mia), Juli Clair (Holt's Publicist), Morena Baccarin (Claire), Rochelle Aytes (Jasmine Ford), Victor Webster (Trey Paulson) & Richmond Arquette (Collin De Quisto)

Lucy, Willa and Farber mingle at the Hollywood Gold Awards, Don accompanies his celebrity friend to the glitzy event, and Brent receives an indecent proposal...

While mildly entertaining at times, this penultimate episode does very little to turn around the fortunes of a disappointing sophomore season. In terms of slumps, even Heroes' derided second year managed to be dumb entertainment throughout. Dirt has simply forgotten its strengths and, in playing it safe, has wound up looking impotent and unforgivably bland...

The setting for this episode (a vacuous showbiz awards ceremony) would have been fine fettle for Dirt last year, but it's mostly a wasted opportunity in season 2's nervous hands. The love-triangle between Lucy (Courteney Cox), ex-boyfriend Holt (Josh Stewart) and new boyfriend Ted continues – but seeing as Lucy only started seeing Ted a few episodes back, and last week agreed to secretly date Holt on the side, none of it held my attention. I just kept on wondering why Lucy lacks the confidence to break things off with Ted and go public with Holt.

Anyway, at least it all ends and the door is left wide open for a Holt/Lucy romance to blossom. Strange to hear Julia's death mentioned again, while once again ignoring the fact she was the victim of a hit-and-run. It looks like nobody cares, and the writers seem to hope the audience will just forget about the fact Lucy's brother was behind the wheel.

Willa (Alexa Breckenridge) and Farber (Ryan Eggold) sniff around backstage the whole episode, trying to work out who drugged actress Rochelle Aytes (Jasmine Ford) so she'd make an inebriated fool of herself while giving an award. Their investigation eventually leads to backseat sex in a limo afterwards -- sadly nowhere near as steamy as season 1 would have filmed it. Still, interesting to note how Willa succumbs to men: just offer her your personal e-mail address!

The most appealing subplot once again belongs to Don (Ian Hart), who accompanies his celebrity popstar friend Sharlee (Ashley Johnson) to the event – and she helps him smuggle in a secret microphone, too. Sharlee is the Britney Spears stand-in for Dirt, and the episode continues to have fun playing with Don's desire for a normal life and his programmed paparazzi responses.

There's a great scene where Sharlee gets dressed in their limo as they drive to the event, with Don visualizing the freeze-frame snaps he's missing out on as she strips half-naked. Later, after Sharlee gives an award to Mia (Rosanna Arquette), a clear Madonna-type who french-kisses her in front of the cameras, their dressing room falling out is captured by Don. But, with Sharlee apparently growing closer to twitchy Mr. Konkey, can he hand over the material to Lucy? As it turns out -- no. For once, Don actually makes a decision based on peoples' feelings instead of front page gossip. Hurrah.

There's a mildly involving subplot for Brent Barrow (Jeffrey Nordling), who manages to pull a significant success out of thin air, after DirtNow's new boss Adam (Julian Acosta) challenges him to exchanges dates with him. Brent's worth is rewarded later, when Adam lets him have some of the associated fortune of his DirtNow takeover, which includes a Lamborghini. The drunken Brent drives it home in high spirits, only to fall asleep at the wheel after parking it in a closed garage, with the engine running. It would appear he's unwittingly committed suicide through intoxication (allowing Nordling to play FBI Agent in 24's seventh season?), but we'll have to see what happens in next week's finale.

Yes, the finale is next week. While I understand it must have been a nightmare for Dirt's writers to cope with having their season slashed in half, there have been no signs in any of these episode that anyone had a clear plan for season 2. Every character has been given a perfunctory storyline, but only Don remains moderately intriguing. Even his badly introduced younger brother had a decent scene here. The only thing of intrigue has been Don's blossoming relationship with a much younger girl, who should also be his prey as a tabloid photographer.

Everything else has been utterly forgettable, and the decision to base characters on real-life celebrities has just put Dirt into a strange parallel universe. And none of these parodies offer as much bite as the real thing. If Britney Spears was dating a well-known paparazzo, it would carry more gossip inches than Sharlee/Don seem to be. And how can you seriously fail to poke fun at Madonna using the alter-ego of Mia? But her appearance seemed like a favour to Courteney Cox's real-life sister-in-law Rosanna Arquette.

Even lovely Willa, who I loved last year, has become little more than a motor-mouthed, sarcastic irritation this season. It's all very disappointing, especially given the story possibilities of an awards ceremony, with every character just swimming around in their own uninteresting circles. I don't think anyone is excited about seeing Lucy and Holt back together, Willa and Farber are dry together, and now Brent's time on the show looks to have come to an end. I guess that sex tape he secretly made of himself and Willa was ultimately pointless, then. Remember that, from season 1? It seems a long time ago now.

Overall, I don't expect next week's premature finale to turn things around, so season 2 will hopefully be swept under the red carpet. If Dirt does return, and it doesn't really deserve to based on these half-dozen episodes, I hope they revert to what worked in season 1 – before fans abandon it en masse.


2 June 2008
Fiver, 9.00 pm

DIRT 2.5 – "What Is This Thing Called..."

Writers: Mimi Friedman & Jeanette Collins
Director: David Arquette

Cast: Alex Breckenridge (Willa), Courteney Cox (Lucy), Josh Stewart (Holt), Ian Hart (Don), Ryan Eggold (Farber), Ashley Johnson (Sharlee), Aimee Garcia (Debbie Ann), Vicki Lewis (Cosmetician), Callum Blue (Graham Duncan), Derek Magyar (Roy Toy) & Danny Comden (Ted Rothman)

Don's friendship with a pop icon reaches new levels, Willa and Farber explore the love lives of celebs and reveal juicy secrets, and Lucy makes a serious decisions about Holt...

Holt: I'm just trying to live my life, man.
Don: I'm just trying to take pictures of it.

A slightly smarter episode than usual this week, although I'm still missing the sensational streak that permeated season 1. Dirt just isn't as deliciously perverse as it once was, so I'm having a tough time adjusting to what's clearly a dull attempt to re-imagine the show, at the expense of the stuff most people tuned in for...

In What Is This Thing Called... Don (Ian Hart) finds himself torn three ways between business, friendship and family. His teen popstar friend Sharlee Cate (Ashley Johnson) is going through an acrimonious split with her rapper husband Roy Toy (Derek Magyar), in the glare of the paparazzi after he tipped them off. Don is ideally placed to get the inside scoop for Lucy (Courteney Cox), but finds himself debating whether or not to abuse his friendship for a cover photo and exclusive insight.

Willa (Alex Breckenridge) is also working the same story, and eventually discovers that Roy Toy has been having an affair with ex-wife, and only married Sharlee for the money and career boost. Yes, the real-life antics of pop princess Britney Spears and duff rapper Kevin Federline inform this episode's plot – although, once again, it's all far tamer than reality.

Lucy herself is once again kept on the sidelines, although last week's ham-fisted beginnings of a romance between her and studio exec Ted Rothman (Danny Comden) continue here. But it's clear that Lucy only has feelings for spurned lover Holt (Josh Stewart), as she has Don hounding him on company time just to keep tabs on his love-life. Fortunately, Holt remains infatuated with Lucy, and the episode ends with them deciding to give their love a second chance, now that Holt's girlfriend Julia is out of the picture? Speaking of which; any news on her hit-and-run by Lucy's brother? No, of course not. It seems the writers still have amnesia.

There's also a new character in the suave shape of British hotshot photographer Graham Duncan (Callum Blue), whose cover photo for rival magazine Icon catches Lucy's eye, leading to him being recruited for DirtNow. Blue makes a good first impression here (nice to see a proper English accent on a US show, too), and it'll be interesting to see how Don reacts to having a rival of equal (maybe even better) talent.

Don's hospitalized brother Jason makes a quick recovery after his car accident, although I'm still irritated by his weak introduction last week. There's mild improvement this week, but he's essentially just there to provide Don with another harsh decision – as he turns away the chance to spend quality time with his brother at his ramshackle home, instead putting his DirtNow work ahead of family matters. But, as a clash between personal and private lives happen nearly every episode to Don and Lucy, it's becoming a pretty hollow plot-point.

Farber (Ryan Eggold) also gets a small, undercooked subplot about trying to prove a Hollywood hot couple, kooky Zack Bauer and sex siren Genevieve (ahem, Kate Hudson), are genuinely in love and not faking it to raise their profiles.

As a character-driven piece, it has some merit. As usual, Ian Hart is the most magnetic presence as Don, and his twitchiness over exploiting a friend to earn a living is the episode's most memorable element. The scene where he shamelessly takes photos of Sharlee cutting her hair in turmoil over Roy Toy's affair (Britney, remember?) is handled nicely, and at least the Lucy/Holt story took a proper step forward. I just wish I was excited about seeing human valium Holt snuggle up to Lucy once again.

Of mild interest is the fact this episode was directed by Courteney Cox's husband David Arquette, which probably accounts for the totally unnecessary (but slightly risqué) scene of Lucy getting a bikini wax. Arquette's direction was fine, if a bit choppily edited at times, but there wasn't much going on visually for him to struggle with. This was a mediocre episode with a few nice moments, but nothing to really grab your interest – and certainly nothing to indicate Dirt's second season has anywhere interesting to go in its last 2 episodes.


26 May 2008
Fiver, 9.00 pm

DIRT 2.4 – "The Ties That (Don't) Bind"

Writer: Robert Nathan
Director: John Fortenberry

Cast: Alex Breckenridge (Willa McPherson), Josh Stewart (Holt McLaren), Courteney Cox (Lucy Spiller), Ian Hart (Don Konkey), Ryan Eggold (Farber Kauffman), Julian Acosta (Adam Proteau), Richard Karn (Holt's Dad), Danny Comden (Ted Rothman) & Rochelle Aytes (Jasmine Ford)

Willa and Farber uncover dirty secrets behind a hit TV series. Meanwhile, Holt's racist father gives negative press about him, and Lucy decides to rekindle a relationship with a powerful executive...

Lucy: What the hell is he carrying?
Willa: Teddy bear and a bottle of booze.
Lucy: Well, got to love a paedophile who is a romantic.

If you want proof that Dirt's second season is struggling, look no further. It wasn't high art last year, but there was a punch and pace to everything. The Ties That (Don't) Bind is an unmitigated disaster on many levels, not least the simple fact it's boring and full of frustrations...

One storyline concerned Holt (Josh Stewart), the main squeeze of Lucy (Courteney Cox) last year who's somewhat adrift in season 2. His white supremacist father (Richard Karn) appears on the scene, perhaps inspired by Mel Gibson's anti-semitic remarks to the tabloid press. It's an intriguing layering of Holt, even if does arrive out of nowhere and doesn't really go anywhere interesting. Holt shows his disgust for his dad on national TV, coached by Lucy, and that's about it. And I'm not that interested in seeing Holt get back together with Lucy, as Stewart plays most of his scenes like he's half asleep.

The best storyline, providing the only semblance of a spine to the episode, concerned Willa (Alex Breckenridge) and Farber (Ryan Eggold) uncovering the identity of a TV vigilante called The Dark Guardian, who goes around exposing paedophiles in an investigative crime entertainment series. And, wouldn't you know it, but he's a paedophile as well! But Willa and Farber need proof, and there's always an incriminating video-tape in the world of Dirt.

At the moment, the pairing of Willa and Farber is a bit drab, primarily because Breckenridge and Eggold have very little sexual chemistry together. It works on a basic mentor/student level, with Farber increasingly finding he actually enjoys working for the "gutter press", and helps that they're the only pro-active characters right now.

Don (Ian Hart) has gone off the boil without a decent recurring subplot, and this episode's decision to have him rush to his brother's bedside in hospital just didn't work. His brother was mentioned last week, but we don’t know enough about their relationship to make any of it work – and it all came down to one rather limp scene anyway. And couldn't they cast someone who actually resembles Don – in looks, or accent?

Another big disappointment was how Adam (Julian Acosta), the weird playboy billionaire who now owns DirtNow, was thrown into the mix. Where was the big scene we were promised last week, with Brent Barrow rubbing Lucy's nose in the fact she's got to contend with Adam and his ideas for massive change? Missing. Maybe it's because Jeffrey Nordling's dividing his time between Dirt and 24's seventh season, but Lucy instead just arrives to chat with Adam – and within the space of minutes she's pretty much tamed him. Cancel the fireworks. It doesn't even look like Lucy's job is going to be threatened. That's the problem with a character that routinely proves they're the best – every money-grabbing character that could potentially screw with them doesn't have a financial reason to.

I'm very, very disappointed. We're 4 episodes into this season and there's still no movement on the murder of Julia Mallory – who was run over by Leo, Lucy's brother. Why not? Leo hasn't even been mentioned yet! There are only 3 episodes left of this strike-shortened year and it's like the writers have forgotten about the only compelling aspect to the season 1 cliffhanger. I had my doubts any Dirt's change of direction, but the sophomore slump is undeniably in evidence here.

It's frustrating because it really didn't have to be this way. The decisions to ditch the serialised nature of season 1, tone down Lucy's bitchiness, and give Don some mental peace shouldn't have had such a negative effect. You could argue that standalone episode suit the tabloid-based series better, Cox will have the chance to show different colours, and Hart won't be just a twitchy conduit for freaky visuals. So what happened? Everything's just gone pale and awkward. There are small moments that remind you of last year's trashy silliness (the paedophile TV investigator), but most of the time it's bland, boring, and has you itching for season 2 to end – so the writers can regroup and give us a third season that holds true to Dirt's rebellious spirit.


19 May 2008
Fiver, 9.00 pm

DIRT 2.3 – "God Bless The Child"

Writer: Dave Flebotte
Director: Chris Long

Cast: Courteney Cox (Lucy Spiller), Ian Hart (Don Konkey), Ryan Eggold (Farber Kauffman), Jeffrey Nordling (Brent Barrow), Rick Fox (Prince Tyreese), Billy Brown (Tweety McDaniels), Julian Acosta (Adam Proteau), Larry Miller (Bill Hope), Evan Peters (Craig Hope) & Sharon Lawrence (Cassie Hope)

Brent decides it's time to prove he's the boss, Lucy tries to take down a music mogul's empire, and Don uncovers a politician's sex dungeon...

An anomalous episode this week; God Bless The Child seems like a leftover season 1 script that's been dusted off, as it takes the show back to its crazier routes with a story that caps a big storyline from last year...

At a fundraiser, Lucy (Courteney Cox) bumps into former-client Prince Tyrese (Rick Fox), who was crippled in a revenge attack by music mogul/gangster Tweety McDaniels (Billy Brown) last year. Tyrese has a philosophical outlook on life now, which surprises and impresses Lucy – but also stirs a desire to take down Tweety's empire. Her investigations reveal evidence that Tweety's a rapist, has fathered illegitimate children, and regularly his artists lip-synch on their tracks (ooh, shocker). But is that enough dirt to destroy McDaniels' business?

Elsewhere, Don (Ian Hart) is tasked to snoop into politician Cassie Hope's (Sharon Lawrence) private life with her husband Bill (Larry Miller), so parks outside their house waiting for scurrilous activity. It's not long before he spots their rebellious teenage son Craig (Evan Peters) and introduces himself. Fortunately, Craig seems eager to spill the beans on his parents to embarrass them, and invites Don inside to show him a secret sex dungeon they use.

Don looks to have hit pay-dirt, but Craig shows his true colours and knocks Don unconscious. Our paparazzo wakes up to find himself half-naked in kinky restraints, unable to escape Craig's torture by cigarette burns. Even the arrival of Craig's parents fails to improve matters, as the Hopes are convinced the situation can't be rectified and will certainly damage their careers when it gets out. Their only way out is to kill Don...

Brent Barrow (Jeffrey Nordling) makes a welcome return after his blink-and-miss-it appearance in the premiere. Here, the seedy publisher aims to impose his superiority on Lucy by masterminding the sale of DirtNow magazine to playboy multi-millionaire Adam Proteau (Julian Acosta) – a man who insists on seeing Brent's penis before he'll talk business.

There's some degree of entertainment to be had here, mainly with the episode's more outrageous moments (Don's S&M capture, Brent's penis initiation, Tweety's fiery comeuppance), but it all sat a bit awkwardly. I don't think we needed to see Prince Tyrese again, while the consequent return of Tweety McDaniels was similarly backwards-looking. Billy Brown makes for a decent villain, but I still have a tough time taking anyone named after a Loony Tune character seriously!

Sharon Lawrence and Larry Miller did well with two underwritten roles, but it's a shame those talented actors weren't utilized better. Their storyline with Don slowly lost its spark, although Don's capture and the debate about killing him were undoubtedly the two moments that stick in the mind with this episode. Even if his survival was never in doubt..

God Bless The Child coasted on fumes and played like a reheated season 1 script, basically. While I hope it signals a return to last year's more ribald attitude, I suspect it's just a blip. Still, it was great to see Brent being a weasel behind Lucy's back again, and his alliance with a womanizing rich kid should provide some fireworks when Lucy realizes "her" magazine is now under new management.

Overall, I'm sensing a slump in season 2. The rude, crude and lewd anything-goes sensibility of season 1 has been watered down a tad too much. There were echoes here in a few scenes, but I miss the recurring storylines that grabbed your interest and kept you watching to see how things developed. The standalone plots haven't been particularly good so far, and Dirt could do with a decent hook to keep you coming back every week. 3 episodes into a 7-episode sophomore year, and still no sign of the season arc...


12 May 2008
Fiver, 9.00 pm

DIRT 2.2 – "Dirty Slutty Whores"

Writer: Joel Fields
Director: Stephen T. Kay

Cast: Courteney Cox (Lucy Spiller), Ian Hart (Don Konkey), Josh Stewart (Holt McLaren), Alex Breckenridge (Willa McPherson), Ryan Eggold (Farber Kauffman), Tom Arnold (Jimmy Darby), Charlie Webber (Ian), Elisabeth Harnois (Milan Carlton), Jordan Hinson (Christa Darby), Richmond Arquette (Collin De Quisto), Josh Clark (Sam Greer), Kendahl King (Tami G), Thomas Silcott (Alien), Jennifer Leigh Warren (Bee), Alexi Wasser (Naomi), Shi Ne Nielson (Emma), Lauren Sanchez (Entertainment Anchor #1), Mark Thompson (Entertainment Anchor #2) & Giuliana Rancic (Entertainment Anchor #3)

A privileged rich girl is released from jail early, with Lucy quick to get the scoop. Meanwhile, Willa and Farber investigate a video an actor's daughter leaked onto the internet...

"I think I figured out why you hate Milan so much.
She's you. She's all of us. See, we're a nation of spoiled
rich people. Milan's just so extreme that it makes us
feel better by comparison. Really, she's just the part
of ourselves we loathe. That's why we need her. To
make us feel better. That's her job."

-- Don Konkey (Ian Hart)

Dirt's new edict of basing its characters on real celebs goes into overdrive in Dirty Slutty Whores, with a snappy storyline that introduces us to Paris Hilton-alike Milan Carlton (Elisabeth Harnois) and a Alec Baldwin/David Hasselhoff hybrid called Jimmy Darby (Tom Arnold). This mirroring of reality is amusing, if simple-minded, but fortunately rises above lazy pastiche with some acidic twists; as reality is taken to imaginative extremes...

Milan Carlton (named after a European city and hotel chain, a la Paris Hilton) is likewise thrown into jail for reckless driving, although Lucy (Courteney Cox) bets Farber (Ryan Eggold) that she'll be out before midnight. Indeed, celebutante Milan is freed within 24 hours on the back of a spurious medical condition relating to her unannounced pregnancy.

Elsewhere, sitcom star Jimmy Darby's daughter Christa (Jordan Hinson) posts a video of her drunken dad eating dog food off the floor, supposedly in an attempt to snap him out of his alcoholism – but actually to get revenge for a nasty voice-mail he left her. The drunken 'net video is clearly based on David Hasselhoff's YouTube embarrassment, while the voice-mail aspect is inspired by Alec Baldwin's recorded phone rant. Here, Willa (Alexandra Breckenridge) and Farber uncover the fact Christa's homemade video was actually a staged publicity stunt, after acquiring the video-camera's original digital hard-drive.

I'm still not convinced aping real people and storylines is the best move for Dirt to make, but I admit it's quite fun. But what really helps this episode is how Joel Fields' script spends half its time rib-poking the audience with its reality-based plot, before taking things a step further. Milan tries to atone for her crime by going to South-East Asia – ostensibly taking part in charity work, but actually working on her suntan. She's later arrested by the less-forgiving Asian authorities for going topless on a beach and, after they discover drugs on her person, she's humiliated in an extreme punishment that echoed Bart Simpson's treatment by the Australian government. Only harsher.

For the Darby's, patriarch Jimmy admits his drunken doggy act was just a scam to get his daughter her own television show ("Parents 911"), where she can build a career by helping youths with problem parents like her own. Even if her TV career is based on a lie, Jimmy just wants Christa to do something constructive with her life. Lucy agrees to bury his understandable deception, in return for access to Milan's PR expert. He agrees to the deal, and Don (Ian Hart) soon smuggles out the PR man's taped recordings of coaching sessions for his clients – including Milan and her boyfriend being instructed on how to answer tough press questions.

The tape also includes footage of Lucy's on/off lover Holt (Josh Stewart), who she's disappointed to see being told how to answer questions about Julia's recent death. However, Holt's comparative humanity hasn't been defeated by the spin of celebrity, as she then watches him brush off the PR guru and leave his office. It's another example of how Holt refuses to be consumed by the lifestyle he's living, and his "naivety" about how the game is played is clearly something Lucy finds endearing, refreshing and rather noble. Her life may deal in deceit, corruption, lies and flakiness, but in Holt she sees someone who can rise above it all.

The emphasis on these celebrity chimeras means the regular cast are somewhat undernourished with material. Lucy gets a nice face-to-face chat with Milan beside her indoor pool, over a Q&A puff piece, but there's not much else that sticks in the mind. Don also takes a backseat, until his idea to create a rat-infestation to gain access to the PR man's video camera -- although I liked his view on why socialites like Paris Hilton (ahem, Milan Carlton) are famous. See this review's opening quote above. It's a sentiment I agree with.

Willa and Barber's relationship seems like it's going to develop, although it's student/teacher at the moment as he learns the ropes – having to "dumb down" to get into the mindset of a tabloid magazine. There's also a nice scene when he mistakes Willa's offer of a Chinese meal as a date and, despite the fact we learn he has a girlfriend and Willa seems uninterested, it's surely a matter of time before they get together. But where's Brent Barrow; Willa's office lover who made a secret sex tape of her? Actor Jeffrey Nordling appeared briefly last week, but it seems that his role in 24's seventh season (now pushed back to 2009) means his character won't be as a prominent. Which is a shame.

Overall, this was an entertaining hour of fluff drama, and the echoes of reality didn’t become as tedious as I'd imagined, thanks to some welcome twists. That said, basing storylines and characters on reality is going to date Dirt very quickly. The Hilton/Hasselhoff riffs are already a year out of date, so how well will they play in a few years' time? Not very well, I expect. Still, if Dirt wants to be as disposable as tabloid magazines: so be it. Just don't expect anyone to be desperate to catch a repeat in 5 years time...


5 May 2008
Fiver, 9.00 pm

DIRT 2.1 – "Welcome To Normal"

Writer & Director: Matthew Carnahan

Cast: Courteney Cox (Lucy Spiller), Ian Hart (Don Konkey), Josh Stewart (Holt McLaren), Alex Breckenridge (Willa McPherson), Ryan Eggold (Farber Kauffman), Laura Allen (Julia Mallory), Will McCormack (Leo Spiller), Jeffrey Nordling (Brent Barrow), Shauna Stoddart (Terry), David Figlioli (Miles), Anne L. Nathan (Dr. Shalba), Tom Schmid (ER Doctor), Saundra McClain (ER Nurse), Anna Khaja (Nurse), Shi Ne Nielson (Emma), Ashley Johnson (Sharlee Cates), Robert Benedict (Keith Straub) & Kiersten Warren (Martina Linn)

Lucy awakens from her coma after the knife attack by Julia, as Don's schizophrenia improves...

"Listen, if I can survive whatever is lurking inside
Don's car, I can survive anything!"

-- Lucy Spiller (Courteney Cox)

Last year I took a chance watching Dirt, fuelled only by a fondness for Courteney Cox (although I detest Friends), and I was glad I took the risk. Dirt was certainly flawed and a bit lazy in its ambitions at times, but it was usually good fun and superficially entertaining – like the gossip rags it revolves around. Cox was good as tabloid editor super-bitch Lucy Spiller, Ian Hart regularly stole the show as ratty schizophrenic paparazzo Don Konkey, and the array of zany storylines across its 13 episodes kept my interest.

The show returns for a second season, sadly cut down to 7 episodes because of the US writers' strike. And there are other tweaks to the show that might cause some upset. All the episodes will be more self-contained (which isn't a bad idea, as the narrative became impenetrable for newcomers last year), there are snazzy new opening credits (a dubious rock n' roll version of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"!), and a few cosmetic changes to things like location legend graphics. But the really notable changes come from the toning down of the characters; which is sure to cause a split amongst fans...

Welcome To Normal is a fitting title, as last year's exaggerated outlook on tabloid journalism is reigned in considerably here. Lucy obviously survives the knife attack by Julia (Laura Allen), who is rather oddly written out in this premiere's teaser – as Lucy's brother Leo (Will McCormack) hits her with his car as she flees the crime scene. Indeed, it's quite irritating how quickly last year's cliffhangers are wrapped up, although I'm sure Leo's hit-and-run incident will come back to bite him. Its a shame Julia's gone, but understandable. Her character had nowhere else to go after a hectic and very eventful role in season 1.

Before too long, Lucy comes out of her coma and starts trying to run her magazine from a hospital bed, much to best-friend Don's utter dismay. But she's clearly needed back at DirtNow, as her staff have failed to capitalize on the Lucy/Julia story that fell into their laps, enabling rival publication Icon magazine to make some headway in sales. After hiring Farber Kauffman (Ryan Eggold), an enterprising reporter from L.A Weekly who manages to sneak into Lucy's room for an exclusive story, Lucy's soon back at work trying to rally her troops and make DirtNow #1 again...

But it's a different Lucy than we're used to. She's still determined, razor-sharp, opinionated and intrepid, but there's less of the overt cynicism and bitchiness. Her brush with death seems to have given a different outlook on life, as she tackles her work for sheer enjoyment – with no hint of the overzealous pursuit of success, power and influence from season 1. It remains to be seen if this tweaking to Lucy's character will work, but it's fine for this post-coma episode at least. One thing Dirt did struggle with last year was how best to write Lucy – as super-bitches are great characters, but can alienate viewers who just find them dislikeable. It seems that creator Matthew Carnahan (writer and director of this premiere) has decided to soften Lucy a bit... but hopefully she won't lose her edge too much.

Don is also altered, as he begins to realize his schizophrenia is drying up now he's taking regular medication. This is perhaps a wise move (for the time being, at least), as some of Don's bizarre visions last year became slightly overbearing and often seemed to treat schizophrenia too lightly. Don is definitely one of the most engaging characters on the show (as the only "nice guy"), so hopefully we can look forward to seeing more of him as a three-dimensional person, rather than a lens for weird visuals and abstract kookiness. This episode already has him taking care of Lucy after her trauma (in a nice reversal of their relationship last time), so things look promising...

The actual tabloid-related plots are rather bland here, unfortunately. The edict in season 2 is apparently to have storylines and celebs based on real-life events and people. So here we find Sharlee Cates (Ashley Johnson), a Britney Spears-style pop princess in the midst of a public meltdown, and Martina Linn (Kiersten Warren), clearly based on gold-digger Anna Nicole Smith. Both characters are set-up to be continuing threads for the season, even if each episode is going to reflect the weekly "issue" format of the fictional DirtNow.

But is it wise for a show like Dirt to rip characters straight from reality like this? The show already struggled to outdo real tabloid stories last year, so I don't see the sense in copying them outright. Why should viewers tune in for pale imitations of real people and real lives? I don't need a TV show for that fix, I can pick up Heat magazine.

Overall, I was a bit disappointed by this premiere. Season 1's life-or-death cliffhanger was brushed under the carpet within minutes, and I have a suspicion that the show's change in attitude will lead to weaker episodes. I agree with the decision to ditch the intense serialization, but softening Lucy and journo Willa (Alex Breckenridge) seems like a mistake. I'm personally hoping Lucy gets her groove back soon, and hope the show's quest for reinvention doesn't lead to it becoming a pale, toothless hack...


28 April 2008
Fiver, 9.00 pm

Dirt digs for viewers...

The new season of Dirt got a measly 89,000 viewers last night on Fiver (the cheap and nasty new name for Five Life.) Clearly, that's absolutely terrible. But, speaking as someone who watched Dirt last year, and had every intention of watching season 2, here's what went wrong Five bosses:

1. Advertise the fact Dirt is coming back! Granted I don't spend a lot of time watching Five, Five US or Fiver, but I'm not alone in that fact. I'd have watched Dirt last night if I'd known it was on! Pure and simple. Try advertising on other digital channels, not just your own. Even a small advert in a Monday tabloid would have worked for me!

2. Fiver? Wasn't Dirt on FiveUS last year? Yes, it was. So you've confused people. Consequently, I don't have Fiver (formerly Five Life) favourited on my EPG. So I couldn't accidentally stumble upon it while surfing channels, either. And, with the absence of ITV1's The Fixer in the same timeslot now, Dirt would have filled a gap very nicely. So you missed out there.

Oh well. I now know that Dirt is on Mondays at 9pm because of this marketing mess-up. Fiver has been added to my "favourites" list, so I'll set an alert. I'd love to catch a repeat of Dirt this week, but the online Radio Times only finds "Dirty Sexy Money" when I do a search for "Dirt", and the terrible Fiver website is no help whatsoever.

So, guess what Five: you have a (probably) quite expensive US television show, and now everyone's going to download episode 1 from the internet this week. And I'd intentionally "been a good boy" and tried to avoid doing that. But crap like this is why people are disenchanted with TV channels and are turning to downloads more and more...

Dirt, season 2
Fiver, Mondays @ 9pm (repeated Saturdays @ 8pm)*

* yes, I found out when it was repeated, no thanks to the channel that broadcasts it. But I'm going to download it just to "make a point" this week.

Dan's Top 10 TV Hits Of 2007

I think we're living in a little golden era of TV, particularly for fans of intelligent sci-fi, exciting fantasy and dramas with high-concept twists. Even better, many of them have crossed over into the mainstream, with everyone recognizing their strengths.

It's wonderful to see the types of shows I've always enjoyed being embraced by the masses and 2007 has been a particularly strong year -- with established shows refusing to let the quality slide (despite a few wobbles) and new shows hitting the ground running with intriguing concepts...

There were many TV shows that caught my eye and entertained me this year, but my heart is always captured by scripted drama. Below are 10 shows, that aired in the UK this year, and demanded my blogging commitment, loyalty, admiration and respect...

In ascending order...

10. Robin Hood

season 2, BBC1

The first series was poor, but not irredeemable. The major flaws of Robin Hood were in its youthful casting of the outlaws, irritating anachronisms, cheerful panto violence, slothful storylines and repetitive action.

But, against expectation, series 2 has managed to fix some of the problems (but there was no major recasting, obviously). While it's still flawed, and nowhere near as gritty and complex as I'd like, Robin Hood is now good fun. The storylines are more cohesive, the plots feel fresher, and the tone is more willing to paint with darker colours.

Best Bit: At time of writing (and there's only 1 episode to go), I think the most successful moment in Robin Hood this year was when Marian's father died in Show Me The Money – which was both heartfelt, much darker than usual, and instigated the real blossoming of the Robin and Marian romance (which isn't usually a compelling aspect of the show.)

9. Dirt

season 1, Five US

This Courteney Cox vehicle was a surprisingly enjoyable watch, being slick and often naughty entertainment. I never expected to like it, but thanks to Cox's committed portrayal, Ian Hart's twitchy performance as ratty photo-journo Don, and a few eye-opening scenes of nakedness, violence and personal betrayals, Dirt became a little treasure on Monday evenings. But not one you'd easily admit to watching -- as it's the TV equivalent of a trashy magazine you protest about in polite company, but keep hidden in a drawer...

Best Bit: I could choose a rude bit involving Courteney Cox, but I'll try and refrain from something so obvious. Instead, Dirt really slapped me round the face when slimy publisher Brent Barrow (Jeffrey Nordling) was threatened with castration by two goons in his own home – one played by cheerful Wayne Brady from the US version of Whose Line Is It Anyway?!

8. Prison Break

season 2, Five

I never expected Prison Break to last one season, as the prison escape premise sounded too restrictive. So it was a surprise to see season 2 evolve into a sprawling Fugitive-style adventure, introducing William Fichtner as conflicted manhunter Agent Mahone. The second year became very slapdash after a confident start, but the series has always been able to keep things going at breakneck speed, and is seldom boring.

In many ways, Prison Break is actually a bad show, but it's so ruthless efficient and entertaining you can overlook the meandering subplots, dozy conspiracy, repetitive goings-on, and the fact half the characters just don't work outside of confinement. Even more surprising, season 3's setting in a lawless foreign jail has successfully extended the lifespan of the series once more... although surely a fourth year would be pushing it?

Best Bit: After being captured by the Feds mid-season, escapee brothers Michael (Wentworth Miller) and Lincoln (Dominic Purcell) are being transported through a tunnel, and are allowed to escape by corrupt FBI Agent Mahone (only so he can kill them later), and find they have an unexpected ally in the shape of government hitman Kellerman…

7. Life On Mars

season 2, BBC1

The 70s cop drama with a sci-fi twist returned for its second and, disappointingly, final season. Contemporary cop Sam Tyler (John Simm) was still trapped in 1973, on the beat in Manchester with sexist dinosaur Gene Hunt (Philip Glennister) and trying desperately to get back to the present.

As with the first series, the mysteries themselves were never that taxing (the culprit tends to be the only guest star with a sizable role!), but it certainly ramped up the time-travel/coma mythology, and generally had more fun with its premise. The final episode was very fitting, albeit totally illogical… but that's another debate. We eagerly await Hunt's return in 80s-set spin-off Ashes To Ashes… and brace ourselves for the American remake, with Irish Star Trek actor Colm Meany as their version of Hunt…

Best Bit: I can nit-pick it to death, but the finale's reveal about exactly what happened to Sam after his car crash was still compelling and emotionally done. Great use of the Bowie track "Life On Mars" and "Somewhere Over The Rainbow", too.

6. Battlestar Galactica

season 3, Sky One

Season 3 was the show's weakest year, but that only goes to show how brilliant this revamp of the cheesy 70s sci-fi original is. The new series opened with a run of episodes that had obvious parallels to post-911 events in Iraq, with hints of WWII's French Resistance, as the human residents of New Caprica become enslaved by occupying Cylons.

From there, Battlestar Galactica built its mythology towards a pivotal moment in an ancient temple that pointed the way to Earth, before unfortunately hitting a bad run of standalone Cylon-less episodes. Fortunately, the courtroom drama finale was well-executed and left fans with some jaw-dropping reveals. Whether these brave twists will be the series' undoing, only time will tell...

Best Bit: The show has always had fantastic visual effects to hand, but they never take precedence over plot and character. However, I don’t think anyone will forget the exciting, unpredictable moment when the Galactica jumped into the atmosphere of New Caprica to launch a rescue mission. Big screen spectacle on your TV!

5. Jekyll
BBC1

Steven Moffat, the celebrated Doctor Who writer, was handed his own six-part series by the BBC, and chose to update classic Victorian horror Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde. James Nesbitt took the dual role in this imaginative quasi-sequel, performing the part with infectious enthusiasm and charisma.

This mini-series was one of 2007's weirdest shows, as it constantly teetered on the brink of silliness, lurching from tense horror and playful dumbness every 10 minutes. It was more schizophrenic than its protagonist/antagonist, but never boring. It may not make logical sense by its conclusion, but it was a brave and immensely enjoyable Saturday night treat for summer.

Best Bit: There are plenty of moments to savour, and even chuckle at, but I think the show really surprised in the sequences when Hyde realizes Jekyll has gone and the empty space in his head fills with previously unobtainable memories…

4. Doctor Who
season 3, BBC1

It's now clear the revamp of the series in 2005 has worked a treat, as Doctor Who moved further away from farting aliens and into more grown-up stories. Series 3 took its time to get going, after introducing new companion Martha (Freema Agyeman, immediately consigning Billie Piper to history), but once that second-rate Dalek story concluded, things really got interesting...

Bizarrely, series 3's excellent second-half barely features The Doctor per se -- as he was transformed into a human for the superb Human Nature story, reduced to a cameo in the extraordinary Blink, and aged into a cripple for much of the finale! And, despite the last episode being a damp squib in some respects, the beautifully haunting reveal of nemesis The Master was a TV highlight of the year...

Best Bit: Yes... for pure spine-tingling brilliance, you can't beat the breathlessly-edited sequence when kindly Professor Yana (a superb Derek Jacobi) is transfixed by his fob watch, opens it, and is transformed into The Doctor's sinister nemesis: The Master!

3. Dexter
season 1, The FX Channel

One of the best new shows, Dexter is a slick mix of gruesome procedural and high-concept pulp, as an affable Miami forensics expert moonlights as a serial-killer. The central performance by Michael C. Hall (Six Feet Under) is chiefly responsible for the shows success, as he manages to make Dexter into an engaging anti-hero, who you worryingly begin to really care about...

Indeed, the show's moral grey area is the most appealing aspect of the show, as audiences are made to like a cold-blooded killer purely because he at least only targets criminals and was trained by a legendary lawman.

It's patently absurd on many levels, but the sheer vigour of its storytelling, inherent tensions, and overarching mysteries, neatly off-set initial misgivings. By the time the final batch of episodes arrive, you'll be hard-pressed to find a more compelling TV show. And season 2 is even better in most respects...

Best Bit: Undeniably the moment the Ice Truck Killer's identity is revealed in a slow pan… causing a few gasps.

2. Heroes

season 1, Sci-Fi Channel/BBC2

Undoubtedly the year's most talked-about show, Heroes was also one of the most consistently entertaining. This tale of ordinary people discovering they have superpowers, and slowly coming together to thwart a nuclear bomb in New York, was the dictionary definition of must-see TV. It has a very engaging cast, frothy pace, exciting premise, great production values, and a keen sense of fun.

Of course, it helped enormously that everything about it was new and there was a lot of ground to explore (past, present and future). Unfortunately, season 2 has proved Heroes isn't quite so strong now we're acclimatized to its style and have a handle on all the characters' lives – with the surprises and sense of adventure being mostly absent. But... that first season was magic; even with the duff ending.

Best Bit: The show was very adept at providing jaw-dropping cliffhangers, but I'll always love the moment teleporter Hiro (Masi Oka) realizes he's actually in a future New York… just as a nuclear bomb destroys the city.

1. Lost
season 3, Sky One

After a disappointing six-episode "mini-season" in late-06, Lost fought off growing criticism to produce arguably its most consistent run of episodes since season 1. We learned more about the mysterious Others, met new characters, witnessed the downfall of DHARMA, got a shadowy glimpse of the enigmatic "Jacob", and then the rug-pulling finale set in motion the beginnings of a rescue...

Lost is still the most dense, intelligent and entertaining genre show TV has produced in years, and shows no sign of running out of ideas. It's had a few upsets along the way (with some people abandoning it for being "too slow" – whatever), and the flashbacks are becoming more redundant, but the masterful writers never lose control and make repairs whenever necessary.

The core audience hated two new characters, who were subsequently killed off in one of the season's better episodes; and one that explained their assumed "pointlessness" as something more interesting. That's the way to do it!

Lost is a superb mystery show, with each episode like a beautiful piece of a jigsaw. You may have to put each piece to one side for now... but you know they'll fit together later, now the bigger picture is slowly emerging...

Best Bit: There are dozens to choose from in the second half of season 3, but I particularly liked the creepy reveal of ghostly Others leader Jacob, after Ben leads Locke to that abandoned cabin in the jungle…

DIRT 1.13 - "Ita Missa Est"

Writer & Director: Matthew Carnahan

Cast: Will McCormack (Leo Spiller), Laura Allen (Julia Mallory), Josh Stewart (Holt McLaren), Jeffrey Nordling (Brent Barrow), Ian Hart (Don Konkey), Courteney Cox (Lucy Spiller), Owiso Odera (Gareth Dasilva), Shannyn Sossamon (Kira Klay), Alex Breckenridge (Willa McPherson), Joy Walker (Other woman), Johnny Drocco (Paparazzi), Carly Pope (Garbo), Danielle Sapia (Danielle), Shauna Stoddart (Terry) & Jennifer Aniston (Tina Harrod)

Don grapples with his own psyche, Lucy meets an old "friend", Julia tries to salvage her career -- and the stalker is finally revealed...

It was always going to be difficult, but pulling of a barnstorming season finale after 12 episodes of build-up was sadly beyond Dirt. The problems are obvious -- rushed storylines, disappointing reveals and stunt-casting.

Ita Missa Est starts on an interesting note, as Don's narrated recap goes haywire and he's later seen driving out into the desert to buy a knife from a Native American. All very ominous.

Unfortunately, there's a weak and unnecessary subplot for Willa (Alex Breckenridge) about drugs at a fashion show that's only there for padding. Willa herself ends the season without much further development, as her relationship with sleazy Brent (Jeffrey Nordling) isn't one of the strands writer Matthew Carnahan chooses to tie-up.

What's worse is that the late development of Don (Ian Hart) into a crazed potential murderer is wrapped up early, and is only interesting to watch the hallucinated people who try to persuade Don into doing the dirty deed: laconic Holt, a returning Kira (Shannyn Sossomon) and actor Ian Hart himself, as a British alter-ego of Don -- complete with a thick scouse accent and debauched attitude!

As Don's storyline fizzles to a close, the hope of a decent resolution to the ongoing stalker mystery begins to wane, too. Instead of being the expected emphasis of the season finale, it's pushed into the background too much, particularly when Jennifer Aniston arrives to boost ratings and steal the limelight...

Courteney Cox's former Friends co-star plays Tina Harrod, a magazine rival and former lover(!), who Lucy suspects is sniffing around for her job. Oh yes, despite every episode suggesting DirtNow magazine out-scoops the competition week after week, the tabloid's "numbers are down" for the fourth week running, so the sharks are circling...

To be fair, Aniston makes a good impression here, enjoying an obvious chemistry with Cox. Tina is a more nurturing hotshot, immediately showing an interest in a DirtNow employee's pregnancy and charming her way around everyone. Aniston's kooky fun, but her presence just reeks of stuntcasting -- particularly when a lesbian clinch with Cox is delivered with all the sexiness of a wet fish snogging a stone wall.

Holt (Josh Stewart) and Julia (Laura Allen) are the only characters are given decent resolution in the finale, as Holt dumps Julia because she leaked her own sex tape. The use of a heartbeat sound efefct during their break-up, gently slowing to a stop, was also neat touch.

Julia later tries to rectify the situation on the Tammi G chat show, but finds her lame excuses fall on deaf ears. Allen has been great throughout the season, so it's a pleasure to see her storyline end on a fitting note.

Josh Stewart has been less successful as limp Holt, but there's a nice moment when he's about to finally declare his love for Lucy in her car, only to be interrupted by a high-octane car chase through L.A as Lucy spots some photographers parked behind them! I particularly liked Holt's reaction: "Holy shit, Lucy -- it's not like they have guns!" to which she replies: "no, it's worse -- they have cameras!"

With Don safely hospitalized, no sign of anything interesting happening between Willa and Brent, Holt and Laura definitely over, and Jennifer Aniston intruding on the plot, Ita Missa Est then reveals the identity of Lucy's stalker, who is disappointingly captured off-screen. That's annoying enough, given the stalker's preternatural abilities to evade detection in the past, but when the villain is unmasked as Lucy's brother Leo... well, it's certainly plausible, but very disappointing.

We never got to know Leo (Will McCormack) well enough for his unmasking to be a big shock, meaning Lucy has to monologue the reasons behind why we should be astounded. But we're still not. It would have been better if the stalker had been someone totally unexpected, but instead it's the most likely suspect. I had my fingers crossed for a big sting in the tail with this storyline, but just got an itch.

Fortunately, Dirt manages to rescue itself from total failure in the last 15 minutes. Holt hits the red carpet with a glamorous girl on his arm, making you consider how much sacrifice it's taken the struggling actor of the Pilot to achieve this success... there's a throwaway moment with Brent preparing a "LUCY" sex tape, setting up a direction for season 2... but it's the final moments that provides the biggest reaction...

It's here that a bitter, vengeful, furious Julia has somehow avoided the high-tech (un)security of Lucy's home, after discovering her affair with Holt from snake-like Tina. Julia's armed with a knife and a cat-fight ensues, played out in a series of dreamy fades.

By the end, an injured Lucy staggers out onto her balcony and, in perhaps her dying moments, makes a phone call... to 911? No, don't be silly. She calls Don in his hospital bed, and tells him to get there fast to take the exclusive photos...

That about sums up Lucy's steely determination to get a story, and it also sums up Dirt's fascination with the lengths tabloids will go to for a good story.

Season 1 has been trashy, exaggerated, funny, sleazy and sometimes quite violent; a stylized trip into a warped view of the LA gossip press. The fact it's sometimes quite plausible speaks volumes about the increasingly desperate and scurrilous attitude of real gossip columns. While Dirt's not to be taken seriously, it's as frothy and enjoyable as the showbiz press it parodies. As for Lucy's fate: well, it will take more than a stabbing to put that bitch down...


1 October 2007
FiveUS, 9.00 pm

DIRT 1.12 - "Caught On Tape"

Writer: Joel Fields
Director: Frederick King Keller

Cast: Courteney Cox (Lucy Spiller), Ian Hart (Don Konkey), Will McCormack (Leo Spiller), Laura Allen (Julia Mallory), Josh Stewart (Holt McLaren), Jeffrey Nordling (Brent Barrow), Johann Urb (Johnny Gage), Perez Hilton (Himself), Tony Potts (Himself), Nancy O'Dell (Herself), Shauna Stoddart (Terry), Richmond Arquette (Collin DeQuisto), Lukas Haas (Marqui Jackson) & Alex Breckenridge (Willa McPherson)

Julia's sex tape with Johnny Gage is released on the internet, with Lucy implicated as the leak. Meanwhile, Don gets an unusual assignment...

The penultimate edition of Dirt focuses on a plot that has provided the spine to this season: Julia Mallory's sex tape with Johnny Gage. Last week, Holt (Josh Stewart) destroyed the only copy he was given by secret lover Lucy (Courteney Cox), but now the full x-rated tape is the talk of the internet...

As anyone with an ounce of pop-culture nous can guess, the leaked sex tape energizes Julia's flagging career (more shades of Paris Hilton on this show!) When Julia manipulates the press by claiming she was raped, it's not long before she gets to flex those underused acting muscles as a chat show's star guest -- playing "the victim", lapping up the limelight, while Gage protests his innocence and claims Lucy was behind the leak...

Laura Allen has been wonderful this season as Julia; sexy, desperate, vulnerable and believable. Her performances are in stark contrast to Josh Stewart's, who seems stuck in neutral even during sex scenes with Courteney Cox. His hangdog expressions of bafflement are actually quite endearing, but it's a shame his character wasn't written with more charisma and spark.

As usual, Lucy's job comes under threat for tenuous reasons, this time thanks to an underselling Sexx Issue and, later, Gage's embarrassing reveal of her "you scratch my back" methods. Again, publisher Brent Barrow (Jeffrey Nordling) acts holier-than-thou for a few scenes, before being chewed out by Lucy and forced to eat his words by the episode's end.

Lucy, along with the viewers, is always complacent about everything job-related -- as it's clear she's the best tabloid editor ever to put pen to paper. I mean seriously, if a magazine had the kind of cover stories DirtNow delivers weekly, it would be the best-selling magazine in the world!

Dirt has just never made Lucy's job security look precarious, as every week she achieves the impossible, under tight deadlines. Maybe a few more episodes should have dealt with magazine failures and disappointing sales, but instead we've always had the impression every issue of DirtNow is like ambrosia to the Gods of gossip.

But what about Don Konkey (Ian Hart)? He's the real reason for DirtNow's success, after all. Unfortunately, after last week's brilliance from Hart, Joel Fields' script doesn't have much room for a Don misadventure. Instead, he sets the stage for next week's season finale, as Don is haunted by another hallucination -- in the form of comatose wannabe-pap Marqui, who follows him around wearing a hospital gown and drip...

Marqui (Lukas Haas) has a secret assignment for Don, which he illustrates by having him photograph L.A's homeless community... before a spooky, gothic version of Lucy waltzes out of a nearby alley to shed a blood tear. Ooh, symbolic. Don's clearly facing an internal war because of his mindless loyalty to Lucy; which has given him a dead cat, busted fingers, multiple beatings and hospitalized friends... so can you blame him?

Other subplots exist as moments of calm in the drama, or set up the finale. Lucy's gay brother Leo (Will McCormack) reappares on her doorstep, now with a mute girlfriend. It's a bit confusing, but undoubtedly this episode is just positioning a domino for next week's tumble. Is Leo his own sister's stalker, I wonder?

Ahhh yes, the stalker storyline. Unfortunately it's no longer as scary as it was initially, because Lucy can afford a $2,000-a-day security task force, but the unmasking of the culprit should be fun. I still think it's a toss-up between brother Leo or best friend Don, but there are quite a few others who have every reason to mess with Lucy's head...

Caught In The Act is quite a typical Dirt episode, with most of its success down to 11 episodes of gradual build-up. Laura Allen is great to watch, particularly when she shares the screen with Lucy, who reveals who leaked her sex tape online. The way Lucy monologues her investigation had shades of Hecule Poirot to it; well, if the Belgian detective were a bitchy tabloid editor and he accused people in "The Vault", not The Drawing Room...

I also enjoyed a throwaway Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? joke, with Lucy Spiller's name substituted for Virginia's -- as the Edward Albee play includes commentary about truth and illusion (or fiction and reality) -- which is very much the domain of Lucy's professional life.


24 September 2007
FiveUS, 9.00 pm

DIRT 1.11 - "Pap Smeared"

Writer: Albert Kim
Director: Chris Long

Cast: Laura Allen (Julia Mallory), Jeffrey Nordling (Brent Barrow), Josh Stewart (Holt McLaren), Ian Hart (Don Konkey), Courteney Cox (Lucy Spiller), Alex Breckenridge (Willa McPherson), Shauna Stoddart (Terry), Richmond Arquette (Collin De Quisto) & Lukas Haas (Marqui Jackson)

A young photographer is taken under Don's wing during a dangerous assignment, Lucy's stalker makes a bold move, and Julia struggles to find work...

"Okay, this is our cover; fly my little monkeys..." commands Lucy, alluding to Oz's Wicked Witch; and this episode definitely proves head chimp Don Konkey is under her spell. Even the ratty paparazzo's name bears relation to video-game gorilla Donkey Kong!

Pap Smeared is the first episode entirely devoted to Don (Ian Hart), who's been our comic relief and quirky guide throughout much of Dirt's dog-eat-dog celebrity underworld.

The episode begins in media res, with a blood-stained Don in the DirtNow office, before jumping back 36 hours to slowly discover the reason. We've always known being a pap was a tough job (particularly for a functioning schitzophrenic), but Don really has bad few days -- beginning with a mugging from a gang of L.A hoodlums. Lucy, in typically pragmatic, faintly-maternal way, gives Don her trusty stun-gun...

This week's story concerns a celeb (a Paris Hilton type), whose boyfriend (a Justin Timberlake type), is cheating on her with her best friend, unbeknownst to her. Well, until she reads the next issue of DirtNow, if Lucy has heer way!

Don is on the case (isn't he on every case?) -- sniffing out the "story", not mindless snapshots --although his loyalty and principles apparently don't endear him to his peers. Interestingly, rival photographers view him as "Lucy's lapdog", although Don can silence their jealous bitching with explicit reminders of his amazing success.

It's great to get some insight into how Don is perceived by his peers, although it begs the question why he drives a crappy car and lives in a hovel if he's paid so handsomely by DirtNow. Mind you, I can't see Don swanning around in a luxury apartment, can you?

Back at the office, Willa (Alex Breckenridge) is being forced to research 18 seasons of The Real Life for a frivolous page-filler, as punishment for her unprofessional relationship with publisher Brent (Jeffrey Nordling). Ambitious Willa isn't happy, leading her to dump Brent, who mistakenly thinks the way to woo her back is to simply shave off his facial hair!

It's interesting how Willa's the one wearing the trousers in their relationship -- quite literally one Brent is seen shuffling around his office with his pants round his ankles, begging for sex in his sleazy way. But has her brush-off pushed him too far? Surely Brent's sex tape will be used to blackmail her soon.

Speaking of sex tapes, Holt (a bearded Josh Stewart) and Julia (Laura Allen) burn their own together, destroying the strangleold DirtNow had over their relationship. Is it just me, or does it seem like you're nobody in the world of Dirt unless you have a sex tape to worry about!

Anyway, exorcising that demon doesn't help Julia in her search for acting work. She's denied a starring role in a Guy Ritchie project and won't lower herself to become the weekly corpse on CSI.. resulting in a return to self-mutilation with shards from a broken mirror.

Sadly, it seems the writers are going in circles with Julia now, having recently taking away the things that made Holt and Julia's pairing so interesting (the car crash secret, the drugs, the rehab), and leaving Allen with nothing fresh to work with!

Willa, Julia and Holt are just mild diversions this week, as the crux of the episode revolves around Don's assignment. It's not long before he's snared himself "a fan"; wide-eyed young photographer Marqui Jackson (Lukas Haas, the kid from Witness, all grown up), and the decision to give Don an inexperienced apprentice proves to be a clever one. It allows insight into how Don's professional mind works. I particularly enjoyed their conversation in a car during a stakeout, with Don extolling the virtues of The Three P's ("patience, persistence, point of view. Three P's, like the three R's, but they're P's.")

Marqui helps Don with a gang of rival "photographers", intent on scaring Don away so their leader, gangbanger Ozzie Romero, can take the prized snaps himself and sell them to DirtNow for a hefty sum. There are a number of violent moments throughout this episode, as getting a relatively straight-forward picture turns into a nightmare for Don -- one that genuinely make you fear for his safety... and sanity!

More development is also given to Don's past, building on last week's revelation that he was abused by his stepmother. It seems Don left home for college as a teen, allowing his younger brother Jason (who appears in visions) to face the same sexual abuse...

Don is cursed to relive the same pain, as Pap Smeared builds to a similar situation; as puppydog apprentice Marqui is viciously beaten up and electrocuted by Romero's gang, and Don chooses to get his prized shots, instead of help the poor boy.

Don's peers were right: he really is a brainwashed "lapdog", focusing exclusively on his work and repressing any human decency to help a friend in need. It seems no lessons were learned by Jason's situation all those years ago, sadly...

Pap Smeared concludes with Lucy's stalker making a bold move, by sending all the DirtNow staff embarassing snaps of Lucy half-naked with Holt! There's an escalating tension over the stalker's identity, although it must be a character we already know, surely! The final scene is one of regret, as Don stands at the bedside of the hospitalized Marqui...

Overall, this is one of the best episodes of Dirt, despite repetitive subplots and lack of development with the week's cover story. But none of that matters, because it's just such fun to see events solely from Don's angle.

His mentor/pupil relationship with Marqui (the great Haas) was genuinely involving and, by the end, culminates in one of Dirt's most tragic, violent and heartbreaking sequences. It's rare to have a character as sympathetic as Don make such an awful decision -- you find very yourself severely disappointed by Don... but, to be honest, not convinced you'd have done the right thing in his position either!


17 September 2007
FiveUS, 9.00 pm

DIRT 1.10 - "The Sexxx Issue"

Writer: Matthew Carnahan
Director: Lev L. Spiro

Cast: Courteney Cox (Lucy Spiller), Ian Hart (Don Konkey), Jeffrey Nordling (Brent Barrow), Josh Stewart (Holt McLaren), Laura Allen (Julia Mallory), Alex Breckenridge (Willa McPherson), Glen Badyna (Elliott), Shauna Stoddart (Terry), Johann Urb (Johnny Gage), John Burke (Ray Patterson), Alexi Wasser (Naomi), Ankur Bhatt (Kenny), Carly Pope (Garbo), Channon Roe (Jeff Stagliano), David Newsom (Jimmy Ray Banheart) & Tara Summers (Abby)

Lucy proposes a sex-themed issue to relax her staff following the hostage situation, Brent and Willa are caught in a compromising position, and Don faces his intimacy problem...

Love might make the world go round, but it's sex that sells magazines; especially if it's spelt "sexxx", wrapped in a foil bag and features celebrity camel toes. The idea to create a naughty issue comes to Lucy (Courteney Cox) after it's suggested DirtNow's staff may be suffering mild trauma, after last week's hostage crisis. I guess a paintballing afternoon is just out of the question for L.A's gutter press.

Dirt creator Matthew Carnahan returns to write his first episode since episode 2's Blogan, essentially giving viewers a "sexxx episode", as all of the plotlines have hanky-panky in mind...

Most amusingly, Brent and Willa have a threesome with a stunning blonde they pick up in a bar, only to discover she's the underage sister of teen star Rebecca Banheart, and now her furious father is threatening legal action unless DirtNow give his daughter three covers. But don't worry, because Lucy is blackmailed like this every other week, so the usual plan to dig dirt on their blackmailer is trotted out...

Don's character is deepened slightly, when it's revealed he was abused by his stepmother as a 14-year-old boy, leading to current intimacy issues with the opposite sex. His relationship with waitress Abby (Tara Summers) is returned to after weeks of neglect, while Don's bizarre visions reappear; in a funny moment with an angry doppleganger of Abby, and when porn stars on TV morph into his stepmom and dead journalist Kenny (Ankur Bhatt). These surreal scenes are always entertaining diversions, but it remains slightly offputting to see a serious mental condition like schitzophrenia used for cheap visual thrills.

The increasingly strained relationship (and storyline) of rising star Holt and falling star Julia rumbles on, with Julia (the wonderful Laura Allen) making a real go of life after rehab, while Holt (Josh Stewart) sits around playing XBOX and pining for Lucy. However, by the episode's end, there are signs this love triangle may be building to a big finish, as Holt's guilt and obsession reaches a climax (er, literally).

Julia also has a dalliance with drug dealer Garbo (Carly Pope), who announces her love, but unfortunately Julia only returns those feelings when high on heroine. Hmmm, the love triangle is now squared. Anyway, I didn't buy Julia's swift return to her dealer's bosom, particularly as she seems to be resolutely straightened-out. It didn't make much sense to me.

The Sexxx Issue is designed to be a bit of cheeky fun after the "dramatic tension" of last week, and achieves this aim well enough. Of course, as last week's episode was a letdown, it does mean two episodes have aired without much development to the major ongoing plots!

The engine of Dirt has definitely slowed recently, losing its manic energy and relying on old tricks and quirks to maintain interest. There's enough sparky humour and sexy scenes to keep most people glued to the screen, but Dirt has been clicking its heels. It needs to start digging its claws in again.

Overall, The Sexxx Issue is mostly interesting for Brent and Willa's compromising situation, while Don (Ian Hart) is always entertaining and has some good scenes with Abby (especially when he has his cake and eats it, gulp!), but Lucy herself is increasingly superfluous to events and swimming in circles -- grieving for dad, fuming over her stalker, and shagging Holt. Ad nauseum.

It's a fun episode, enlivened by its saucy scenes, but ultimately exxxtremely lazy.


10 September 2007
FiveUS, 9.00 pm