As usual, the Brits are hyped to death for weeks before they happen, despite the fact nobody actually treats the awards with any respect. Can you tell me who won "Best British Single" last year? Exactly. At best they deliver a few good performances, and at least the live TV coverage and free-flowing alcohol might cause a few moments of embarrassment or controversy – which everyone hopes for...
The show opened with Mika prancing around in a fake toy theatre (we'd learn later that he collects toy theatres), singing a melodic but incomprehensible medley of his own hits, before being joined by Beth Ditto. The rigging crew missed a trick not having Ditto descend from the theatre roof like that cut-out hot-air balloon -- but I suppose steel cable can only carry so much load.
The Osbournes arrive on stage to host the ceremony (Ozzie, Sharon, Kelly and Jack). I can't believe this ghoulish troupe are still popular, years after their MTV reality show finished. I don't have an issue with Ozzie (who's one of life's genuine eccentric, humorous crackpots), but Sharon is screechy-voiced smugness personified. A woman who clearly believes her own hype, yelling "we're the bloody Osbournes!" as if everyone should bow down and worship -- including Paul McCartney, I suspect. Mind you, I lip-read a teenaged girl in the audience saying "they're so crap". Maybe there's hope.
Kelly is likewise unable to present anything in a natural way, as she's proven on I'm A Celebrity's support show. Jack is better, and at least he's pulled himself together to get in shape and kick drugs.
The first award of the night was for "Best Live Act". It's apparently been supported by Radio 2, so obviously Take That win. Do Radio 2 listeners go to see Arctic Monkeys? No.
Rihanna and The Klaxons perform "Umbrella"; a song she's sung about 187 times in the past 12 months. It's a version that sucks all the life out of it, and Rihanna doesn't even compensate by showing off those wonderful legs of her – instead deciding to dress in a brown tepee. And there are enough lasers on stage to make Goldfinger cream his pants.
Backstage with Fearne Cotton now, for some pointless interviews with winners throughout the night. Take That are there, jabbering on. Fearne throws to the break, making the Osbournes hosting somewhat redundant. It seems Ozzie and his gang are just being paid to walk to the podium three metres from their thrones -- then fumble their way through reading an autocue with misplaced pride in themselves. It's a living.
Back from the break and Will Young arrives. Remember him? He was the talented Pop Idol winner who's had his thunder stolen by the incalculably more talented Leona Lewis. Has Young even releases a record in the past 2 years? Anyway, here he is with a new beard, reading an autocue like a slow learner. He awards something to Adele, who arrives on-stage, declares she doesn't like speeches, then gives a speech...
Jonathan Rhys Meyers (and his scary eyes) arrives to presents "Best British Breakthrough" to Mika.
The next live performance is from Kylie Minogue, who sings her latest song "Wow" with a group of multi-coloured Stigs. She looks as great as every, although I suspect she's wearing heels that high to prevent her vanishing in the 2 foot of dry ice.
Fearne again, backstage with Mika and Adele. Rather amusingly, Adele signs for viewers at home to vote for #3 (Mark Ronson ft. Amy Winehouse) in the "Best British Single" vote, despite option #4 (Mika) being right next to her. Quite funny when she realized.
Kelly Rowland presents "International Male Solo Artist" to Kanye West. That's all I can say about that.
"British Male" is presented by Beth Ditto to Mark Ronson – a producer who doesn't even sing, and who draws attention to the fact he's "not quite British" because he lives in New York all the time, etc. He won't be willing next year, now we know the truth...
Kaiser Chiefs perform "Ruby" live, standing amongst a model city, making them look like giants. It's kind of cool, although "Ruby" sounds like it's been around for years now.
Beth Ditto and Mark Ronson are with Fearne backstage, and Mark reveals this is actually his fourth award of the week. He definitely won't be winning again next year...
"International Female" is presented by David Tennant to Kylie Minogue. It was inevitable, because she's there to pick it up and starred with Tennant in Doctor Who recently. She makes a short and sweet speech, thankfully.
Sharon says she promised she wouldn't mention the X Factor, by mentioning the X Factor, and introducing X Factor winner Leona Lewis to perform "Bleeding Love". Leona's dressed in a long purple dress, surrounded by loads of Milk Tray men body popping. You can't deny her talent and excellent singing voice, but this song really gets on my nerves now...
Denise Van Outen and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber (the worst comedy double act ever assembled) present "Best International Group" after plugging their upcoming BBC show to cast Oliver. The winners are the Foo Fighters, and Dave Grohl gives a pre-recorded acceptance speech.
James Nesbitt updates us on the football scores (Man Utd are losing, apparently) and presents "Best British Female Artist". It goes to Kate Nash – who seems very pleasant and down-to-earth.
After mentioning ITV's upcoming Bionic Woman (cancelled in the States after 9 episodes), the "International Album" is awarded by Bionic star Michelle Ryan. Or "ex-EastEnder Michelle Ryan" as she'll now be known again. The Foo Fighters win again – so it's back to a pre-recorded Dave Grohl.
Now there's a Mark Ronson medley with Adele, Daniel Merriweather, Amy Winehouse (who gets lots of adoration for being a drug user and was recently awarded a Grammy as incentive to stay alive) Harsh, me?
Fearne's with Kate Nash backstage, who really does seem like a very nice young lady, before throwing to the break.
"British Group" is presented by Sir Ian McKellen (who says he came to meet Mika – it was a joke, apparently) and the award goes to the Arctic Monkeys. They're all dressed like country landowners with canes, flat-caps and a fake duck, etc. Those ker-azy guys! They make a shambles of their speech, before moaning "do we have to get off then?" when Kelly Osbourne pushes them away.
Amy Winehouse is on-stage to sing "Love Is A Losing Game". Imagine a negative of Marge Simpson with more artwork than the Tate Modern on her arms. "Make some noise for my husband, my Blake." She implores at the end. Err, why? With him out of the picture you've (allegedly) kicked drugs and won a Grammy.
Alan Carr (a man who actually speaks with the "bad British accent" all Americans do) presents "Best British Single" to Take That for "Shine". Cue another long speech from the man-band.
The "British Album" award is presented by Vic Reeves (the Brits are scraping the barrel now, as he hasn't been funny in 10 years). It seems that Vic has no clue what he's doing. "Get on with it, you pisshead!" screams Sharon as Vic falters at the podium. It's the most intelligent thing she's said so far!
Back from the nominees' clips, Sharon is getting physical with Vic, calling him a "pisshead bastard". It all smacks of trying to be controversial now. Anyway, the Arctic Monkeys win. A disembodied voice (Sharon's?) can be heard saying "come on! We're running out of time! Bloody hell, what have they come as?" when they give their speech.
Fearne cuts the Monkeys off (who were apparently taking the piss out of the "Brit School" crowd in the audience), hyping up Paul McCartney's appearance, then going to a break.
It's the final award. Ozzie introduces the "Outstanding Contribution" award to Paul McCartney, before son Jack stops him for being too premature and they instead go to a 15-second montage of McCartney clips. Then, it's back to the show and Paul McCartney arrives to accept his award with gusto, then heads off to play live...
Kelly says goodbye with her family, then McCartney performs "Love Me Do" with a banjo, "Live & Let Die" on piano, and "Hey Jude" to close. Y'know, like he always does when asked to perform live, on any show. He ends the Brits by dedicating his performance to Heather Mills – ummm, okay, that didn't happen.
Overall, I like the fact the Brits gets on with it, with the 2-hour event flying by -- while the performances from Kylie, Leona, Amy Winehouse and McCartney were worth watching. There were no real controversies, but Sharon's swearing at Vic Reeves spiced things up in the flagging last third -- even if it was exaggerated for entertainment's sake by Mrs O.
As always, you won't really care about any of it a month from now, but it was entertaining enough while it lasted, if sadly without any must-see moments to savour.
20 February 2008
ITV1, 8.00 pm
FULL LIST OF WINNERS
The show opened with Mika prancing around in a fake toy theatre (we'd learn later that he collects toy theatres), singing a melodic but incomprehensible medley of his own hits, before being joined by Beth Ditto. The rigging crew missed a trick not having Ditto descend from the theatre roof like that cut-out hot-air balloon -- but I suppose steel cable can only carry so much load.The Osbournes arrive on stage to host the ceremony (Ozzie, Sharon, Kelly and Jack). I can't believe this ghoulish troupe are still popular, years after their MTV reality show finished. I don't have an issue with Ozzie (who's one of life's genuine eccentric, humorous crackpots), but Sharon is screechy-voiced smugness personified. A woman who clearly believes her own hype, yelling "we're the bloody Osbournes!" as if everyone should bow down and worship -- including Paul McCartney, I suspect. Mind you, I lip-read a teenaged girl in the audience saying "they're so crap". Maybe there's hope.
Kelly is likewise unable to present anything in a natural way, as she's proven on I'm A Celebrity's support show. Jack is better, and at least he's pulled himself together to get in shape and kick drugs.
The first award of the night was for "Best Live Act". It's apparently been supported by Radio 2, so obviously Take That win. Do Radio 2 listeners go to see Arctic Monkeys? No.
Rihanna and The Klaxons perform "Umbrella"; a song she's sung about 187 times in the past 12 months. It's a version that sucks all the life out of it, and Rihanna doesn't even compensate by showing off those wonderful legs of her – instead deciding to dress in a brown tepee. And there are enough lasers on stage to make Goldfinger cream his pants.
Backstage with Fearne Cotton now, for some pointless interviews with winners throughout the night. Take That are there, jabbering on. Fearne throws to the break, making the Osbournes hosting somewhat redundant. It seems Ozzie and his gang are just being paid to walk to the podium three metres from their thrones -- then fumble their way through reading an autocue with misplaced pride in themselves. It's a living.
Back from the break and Will Young arrives. Remember him? He was the talented Pop Idol winner who's had his thunder stolen by the incalculably more talented Leona Lewis. Has Young even releases a record in the past 2 years? Anyway, here he is with a new beard, reading an autocue like a slow learner. He awards something to Adele, who arrives on-stage, declares she doesn't like speeches, then gives a speech...
Jonathan Rhys Meyers (and his scary eyes) arrives to presents "Best British Breakthrough" to Mika.
The next live performance is from Kylie Minogue, who sings her latest song "Wow" with a group of multi-coloured Stigs. She looks as great as every, although I suspect she's wearing heels that high to prevent her vanishing in the 2 foot of dry ice.
Fearne again, backstage with Mika and Adele. Rather amusingly, Adele signs for viewers at home to vote for #3 (Mark Ronson ft. Amy Winehouse) in the "Best British Single" vote, despite option #4 (Mika) being right next to her. Quite funny when she realized.
Kelly Rowland presents "International Male Solo Artist" to Kanye West. That's all I can say about that.
"British Male" is presented by Beth Ditto to Mark Ronson – a producer who doesn't even sing, and who draws attention to the fact he's "not quite British" because he lives in New York all the time, etc. He won't be willing next year, now we know the truth...
Kaiser Chiefs perform "Ruby" live, standing amongst a model city, making them look like giants. It's kind of cool, although "Ruby" sounds like it's been around for years now.
Beth Ditto and Mark Ronson are with Fearne backstage, and Mark reveals this is actually his fourth award of the week. He definitely won't be winning again next year...
"International Female" is presented by David Tennant to Kylie Minogue. It was inevitable, because she's there to pick it up and starred with Tennant in Doctor Who recently. She makes a short and sweet speech, thankfully.
Sharon says she promised she wouldn't mention the X Factor, by mentioning the X Factor, and introducing X Factor winner Leona Lewis to perform "Bleeding Love". Leona's dressed in a long purple dress, surrounded by loads of Milk Tray men body popping. You can't deny her talent and excellent singing voice, but this song really gets on my nerves now...Denise Van Outen and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber (the worst comedy double act ever assembled) present "Best International Group" after plugging their upcoming BBC show to cast Oliver. The winners are the Foo Fighters, and Dave Grohl gives a pre-recorded acceptance speech.
James Nesbitt updates us on the football scores (Man Utd are losing, apparently) and presents "Best British Female Artist". It goes to Kate Nash – who seems very pleasant and down-to-earth.
After mentioning ITV's upcoming Bionic Woman (cancelled in the States after 9 episodes), the "International Album" is awarded by Bionic star Michelle Ryan. Or "ex-EastEnder Michelle Ryan" as she'll now be known again. The Foo Fighters win again – so it's back to a pre-recorded Dave Grohl.
Now there's a Mark Ronson medley with Adele, Daniel Merriweather, Amy Winehouse (who gets lots of adoration for being a drug user and was recently awarded a Grammy as incentive to stay alive) Harsh, me?Fearne's with Kate Nash backstage, who really does seem like a very nice young lady, before throwing to the break.
"British Group" is presented by Sir Ian McKellen (who says he came to meet Mika – it was a joke, apparently) and the award goes to the Arctic Monkeys. They're all dressed like country landowners with canes, flat-caps and a fake duck, etc. Those ker-azy guys! They make a shambles of their speech, before moaning "do we have to get off then?" when Kelly Osbourne pushes them away.
Amy Winehouse is on-stage to sing "Love Is A Losing Game". Imagine a negative of Marge Simpson with more artwork than the Tate Modern on her arms. "Make some noise for my husband, my Blake." She implores at the end. Err, why? With him out of the picture you've (allegedly) kicked drugs and won a Grammy.
Alan Carr (a man who actually speaks with the "bad British accent" all Americans do) presents "Best British Single" to Take That for "Shine". Cue another long speech from the man-band.
The "British Album" award is presented by Vic Reeves (the Brits are scraping the barrel now, as he hasn't been funny in 10 years). It seems that Vic has no clue what he's doing. "Get on with it, you pisshead!" screams Sharon as Vic falters at the podium. It's the most intelligent thing she's said so far!
Back from the nominees' clips, Sharon is getting physical with Vic, calling him a "pisshead bastard". It all smacks of trying to be controversial now. Anyway, the Arctic Monkeys win. A disembodied voice (Sharon's?) can be heard saying "come on! We're running out of time! Bloody hell, what have they come as?" when they give their speech.
Fearne cuts the Monkeys off (who were apparently taking the piss out of the "Brit School" crowd in the audience), hyping up Paul McCartney's appearance, then going to a break.
It's the final award. Ozzie introduces the "Outstanding Contribution" award to Paul McCartney, before son Jack stops him for being too premature and they instead go to a 15-second montage of McCartney clips. Then, it's back to the show and Paul McCartney arrives to accept his award with gusto, then heads off to play live...
Kelly says goodbye with her family, then McCartney performs "Love Me Do" with a banjo, "Live & Let Die" on piano, and "Hey Jude" to close. Y'know, like he always does when asked to perform live, on any show. He ends the Brits by dedicating his performance to Heather Mills – ummm, okay, that didn't happen.
Overall, I like the fact the Brits gets on with it, with the 2-hour event flying by -- while the performances from Kylie, Leona, Amy Winehouse and McCartney were worth watching. There were no real controversies, but Sharon's swearing at Vic Reeves spiced things up in the flagging last third -- even if it was exaggerated for entertainment's sake by Mrs O.
As always, you won't really care about any of it a month from now, but it was entertaining enough while it lasted, if sadly without any must-see moments to savour.
20 February 2008
ITV1, 8.00 pm
FULL LIST OF WINNERS
