Channel 4 still want us to call it "Big Brother 2008", but I prefer the simple numeration of 9 -- it's kind of like how prisoners chalk up their time inside. Yes, British summertime is now heralded by the gurning super-excited face of Davina McCall and ends 13 weeks later by a cacophony of fireworks as some brainless wonder wins £100,000.
As usual, the Live Launch night had Davina giving us a guided tour of the house (demolished and rebuilt from scratch). There's a giant ashtray in the garden for the smokers to puff away in, a luxury bedroom, an uncomfortable bedroom, a bathroom with no privacy, a prison cell in the garden (for troublemakers) and a hidden padded room (for consistent rule breakers). Y'see, there's a "zero tolerance" edict on BB this year. They might even evict people for being naughty – well, unless the offender is popular with viewers. 'Cos that's how BB works.
The housemates themselves arrived in black vans instead of limousines, and are the usual assortment of dumb, affable, controversial, unusual, crazy, irritating, and boring people. It was notable to see nobody over 42 this year – that's age, not IQ. There was a time when putting an old fart into the house was considered funny and interesting, but they usually proved to be unable to cope or became bland mother/father figures for the hellraisers.
So let's take a look at our 16 "summer friends" (as Davina described them) and my first impressions. But, as all BB fans will know, housemates are very rarely accurately described by their pre-show interviews. They all submit CVs that make Lee from "The Apprentice" look like a bastion of truth.
As usual, the Live Launch night had Davina giving us a guided tour of the house (demolished and rebuilt from scratch). There's a giant ashtray in the garden for the smokers to puff away in, a luxury bedroom, an uncomfortable bedroom, a bathroom with no privacy, a prison cell in the garden (for troublemakers) and a hidden padded room (for consistent rule breakers). Y'see, there's a "zero tolerance" edict on BB this year. They might even evict people for being naughty – well, unless the offender is popular with viewers. 'Cos that's how BB works.
The housemates themselves arrived in black vans instead of limousines, and are the usual assortment of dumb, affable, controversial, unusual, crazy, irritating, and boring people. It was notable to see nobody over 42 this year – that's age, not IQ. There was a time when putting an old fart into the house was considered funny and interesting, but they usually proved to be unable to cope or became bland mother/father figures for the hellraisers.
So let's take a look at our 16 "summer friends" (as Davina described them) and my first impressions. But, as all BB fans will know, housemates are very rarely accurately described by their pre-show interviews. They all submit CVs that make Lee from "The Apprentice" look like a bastion of truth.
First up was the first ever couple -- Mario, 42, and his girlfriend Lisa, 40. He's an "Italian Stallian" who's never been to Italy and is really called Shaun. She's a sales rep, former body-builder and fitness fanatic. They actually came across quite well, but it was nice to see their potentially irritating loved-up routine nipped in the bud by a secret task. More on that later...
Second in was Luke, 20, a "model" student from Wigan. His shtick is being hyperactive and very northern, while counteracting his zaniness by wearing grey suits. He was boo'd quite a bit when he entered, which I don't think was deserved.
The first bit of eye-candy for the men was 19-year-old student Stephanie, a failed auditionee on "Popstars: The Rivals". She quite clearly loves herself and entered the house in a little black dress that showed a lot of leg for the paparazzi.After she arrived, the first four housemates were called into the Diary Room and told that Mario and Lisa will have to split up, and Mario pretend to be dating Stephanie. It would make sense for a four-way swap to happen -- but Lisa wasn't paired with Luke, strangely. Maybe they thought it was already a stretch for Mario to be dating someone young enough to be his daughter. Anyway, their "secret mission" is to ensure the subsequent housemates don't guess that Mario and Stephanie aren't really an item.
The fifth housemate was Rachel, 24, a Welsh trainee teacher who recognised Luke from the auditions. Aaaah, maybe Rachel would have known Luke wasn't dating Lisa? Is that why the secret mission only paired Mario with Stephanie? Anyway, Rachel describes herself as chatty and is attractive with half the effort Stephanie's putting in. She was a runner-up in 2003's Miss Wales competition and has appeared in over 20 global commercials.
Dale, 21, is next inside the house; the resident hunk who fancies himself to a disgusting degree. I hated him from the moment he said "if there's fanny in there, I'm gonna nail it." While there's a precedent for a himbo winning BB (Anthony in BB6), I'm not picking up on anything interesting or humorous about (Chippen)Dale.
21-year-old Sylvia was next in; a black, "trendy" devout Catholic with a "sharp tongue". She's the first housemate to leave me totally cold, with nothing particularly good or bad to make her stand out.
It wouldn't be "Big Brother" without a camp gay man, so here comes 23-year-old dance student Dennis. Imagine a gay Edward, the local shopkeeper from "League Of Gentlemen".
The first housemate clearly designed to intrigue viewers is next up; Scotsman Michael, a 33-year-old radio producer who went blind in 1998. Well, that explains his hideous yellow jumper. Mikey apparently enjoys entertaining people by dressing in women's clothes. He's led into the house by a BB helper, and actually seems like a nice guy – despite his loony pre-show video and nutty dress sense.
Alexandra, 23, an accounts exec, is next to enter the house. She's a single mother and recent convert to Islam. She hates to be bored. Zzzz.
Executive chef Rex, 24, a "shy but confident" man, is the eleventh housemate. His back-story is dominated by the tale of his dad revealing he was gay when he was 13 years old.
23-year-old Mohamed goes in next; he's a Muslim who wants to bust a few post-9/11 stereotypes and works as a "toy demonstrator".
Nursery nurse Rebecca, 21, slots into the show as the obligatory loudmouth tart with fake boobs and a voice that can best be described as incoherent and irritating. She's a massive fan of Hanson.
One of the strangest housemates is Darnel, 26, a song writer born in Ipswich, before being raised in America. He moved back to the UK after getting involved in gang culture. What's strange about him? Well, he's an albino. What's stranger? He's never seen "Big Brother" before.
Jennifer, 22, is a "part-time model" and single mother who describes herself as a "bad girl". She once bought a Westwood handbag for £400.
And for a last sting of hilarity, the final housemate is the kookiest: Kathreya, a 30-year-old Thai massage therapist who's obsessed with cookies. The 5ft tall "cookie monster" even wants her gravestone to be made of cookie, and carries a jar of the biscuits around with her. You can guess what she'll be insisting on when the housemates have to draw up their weekly shopping list. Go on "Big Brother", make cookies really expensive...And those are the people some of us will be spending the next 3 months watching. Besides the young age of everyone, it's also interesting to see so many different religions in there: Muslim, Islam, Buddhist, Catholic. Are Endemol hoping for incisive spiritual discussions to take place? No, of course not. And anyway, I'm sure there will be some replacements for likely walkouts or early evictions, and maybe some "secret housemates" again. These days it always seems like half the UK get a walk-on part in "Big Brother".
Very, very early reflections -- Mario seems like a nice guy; Dale's a tool; Rebecca's going to make your teeth itch; Kathreya's a chocolate drop short of a cookie, but it might be bluster to hide insecurities; Rachel's very hot; Sylvia and Jennifer may as well pack their bags now; Mikey seems okay; and everyone else is just sort of there.
Mario, Stephanie, Luke and Lisa's secret mission didn't keep you entertained as the 105-minutes ticked by (and I still think it was a missed opportunity to not partner Lisa with Luke), but the idea for "lovers" Mario and Stephanie to get married (for "real", or so they think) should be fun on Sunday. Will they go through with a sham marriage just to win a reality TV show's task?
5 June 2008
Channel 4, 9.00 pm
